The Meaning Of My Shadow
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Poetry On Odyssey: My Shadow

*Trigger Warning*

770
Poetry On Odyssey: My Shadow

*Trigger Warning*


My shadow

Casting itself upon the brightness of others

At least

It comes back


I found it difficult to remember a moment

Where I was held by someone

Held with the idea of love in mind

Held.


Sleeping in the same Cinderella nightgown every night

Dreaming one day I would get away from my evil

Only I am the evil.


I dreamed of arms wrapped around me

Moments later I was raped

So I stopped asking for hugs

For fear it'd be another "game" he'd play

Another room I'd be locked in

Another nightmare.

I stopped dreaming

I stopped thinking

I stopped


I


I am still the little girl begging my "parents" to help me

I am still the little girl begging God to take my life

Needing a hug

Crying from moments of bruising

Leaving more lesions than love

I am still


Still in the solemn presence of my own self

Hearing nothing but the echo of my own heart beating

The sound of my breath leaving my otherwise lifeless lungs


It hurts


The movement of my eyes

Fluttering, blinking

Searching for a visual other than my own reflection

I am tired of seeing "that"

When I look at "it"

All I see is her hands striking my face

His secret parts, kept from the world

Not kept from his sister

I see pain


Pain


The feeling of the blade

The one moment where the word "feeling" makes most sense

Where I think I've felt it for the first time

The first time I held it

Close to me

I was at peace.


Peace for myself, not for others

Questions

I don't answer

I nod

And leave.


I've gotten pretty good at that

Leaving

It's the only thing I learned from my father

To be physically present but otherwise absent

To be numb

I've made a habit of leaving.


People always ask me why I complain about loneliness

When I am the cause

I tell them I am not at home in my skin

I have no place to invite them.


Them


The ones I thought would answer a text

A call

Declined.


My sister

The younger version of myself

The girl I used to be

Part of who I still am.


My sister

My whole heart

Heartbroken.


I tell myself and others I am over losing her

I am not

I keep her picture next to my bed

Under a sheet

Next to my hand while I sleep

For the comfort that maybe someday she will know

Just how much I've loved her

How much I still love her.


But just as I go to sleep every night

I am reminded...


My mother

One part abused, one part abuser

A contradiction

Caring? Never

Hopeless.

I ignore her.


My sister

A part of my mother

Myself

A part of nothing.


Nothing


A black wall of nothingness

Hopeless in all ways

Dark.


My hands have touched many suicide "notes"

Many letters to others

Many papers.

But I do not end it

Because in a way

It ended awhile ago.


I am a skeleton

A lifeless body without will to live

The will they stole

They stole my life.


They

My abusers

Doubling as family


Depression.


I walk to class every morning

With nothing by my side but my shadow

Because no one really loves me


Hell, I don't even love me.


My shadow keeps me company

Watches my every move

Stays by my side

Sure, my shadow may leave when I enter darkness


But at least it comes back

The next day.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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