*Trigger Warning*
My shadow
Casting itself upon the brightness of others
At least
It comes back
I found it difficult to remember a moment
Where I was held by someone
Held with the idea of love in mind
Held.
Sleeping in the same Cinderella nightgown every night
Dreaming one day I would get away from my evil
Only I am the evil.
I dreamed of arms wrapped around me
Moments later I was raped
So I stopped asking for hugs
For fear it'd be another "game" he'd play
Another room I'd be locked in
Another nightmare.
I stopped dreaming
I stopped thinking
I stopped
I
I am still the little girl begging my "parents" to help me
I am still the little girl begging God to take my life
Needing a hug
Crying from moments of bruising
Leaving more lesions than love
I am still
Still in the solemn presence of my own self
Hearing nothing but the echo of my own heart beating
The sound of my breath leaving my otherwise lifeless lungs
It hurts
The movement of my eyes
Fluttering, blinking
Searching for a visual other than my own reflection
I am tired of seeing "that"
When I look at "it"
All I see is her hands striking my face
His secret parts, kept from the world
Not kept from his sister
I see pain
Pain
The feeling of the blade
The one moment where the word "feeling" makes most sense
Where I think I've felt it for the first time
The first time I held it
Close to me
I was at peace.
Peace for myself, not for others
Questions
I don't answer
I nod
And leave.
I've gotten pretty good at that
Leaving
It's the only thing I learned from my father
To be physically present but otherwise absent
To be numb
I've made a habit of leaving.
People always ask me why I complain about loneliness
When I am the cause
I tell them I am not at home in my skin
I have no place to invite them.
Them
The ones I thought would answer a text
A call
Declined.
My sister
The younger version of myself
The girl I used to be
Part of who I still am.
My sister
My whole heart
Heartbroken.
I tell myself and others I am over losing her
I am not
I keep her picture next to my bed
Under a sheet
Next to my hand while I sleep
For the comfort that maybe someday she will know
Just how much I've loved her
How much I still love her.
But just as I go to sleep every night
I am reminded...
My mother
One part abused, one part abuser
A contradiction
Caring? Never
Hopeless.
I ignore her.
My sister
A part of my mother
Myself
A part of nothing.
Nothing
A black wall of nothingness
Hopeless in all ways
Dark.
My hands have touched many suicide "notes"
Many letters to others
Many papers.
But I do not end it
Because in a way
It ended awhile ago.
I am a skeleton
A lifeless body without will to live
The will they stole
They stole my life.
They
My abusers
Doubling as family
Depression.
I walk to class every morning
With nothing by my side but my shadow
Because no one really loves me
Hell, I don't even love me.
My shadow keeps me company
Watches my every move
Stays by my side
Sure, my shadow may leave when I enter darkness
But at least it comes back
The next day.
- Amazon.com: Double Shadow: Poems (Los Angeles Times Book ... ›
- Shadow Poetry | LinkedIn ›
- Shadow Poetry - Poetry Types - Diamante ›
- My Shadow by Robert Louis Stevenson | Poetry Foundation ›
- Shadow Poetry - Poetry Types Introduction ›
- 'Shadow' poems - Hello Poetry ›
- Shadow Poetry - A Poet's Writing Resource ›