Learning to gain your life back after hitting rock bottom.

Poetry On Odyssey: Internal Growth

When anxiety and depression run wild, You can still win.


I wrote this recently after having an anxiety attack. I have struggled for years with anxiety and depression and I told myself that 2019 was going to be the year that I don't let my anxiety or depression control me. I have grown a lot since moving hours away to college and found that writing has helped more than anything.

When I was a little girl, I thought I owned the world.

Yes, little ole me though that the world I lived in was perfect...

Life was going to be easy,

Growing up would be a dream,

But reality overthrew those dreams,

Making the world around me dark, and not so perfect.

When I was in my last couple years of middle school,

I realized that the world was not perfect in the slightest.

It was a constant grey and blue surrounding me.

Mixes of sadness and emptiness filled my insides.

I began to crumble, deteriorating while others seemed to go on.

I clawed, screamed, and cried but the echoes of my pain vanished in the air.

I knew that life had to go on.

The demons inside me were taking over, the tight feeling inside hurt.

I would constantly ask when this nightmare would end.

When the red rivers along my body would dry...

When the voice in my head would soon take my side.

When would it all just end?

Before I could say I grew, I had to hit my low.

I was weak, anxious, and depressed.

I could only see the grey clouds in my future,

The Sun was gone forever.

I didn't think dreams could come true,

Because all of mine turned to nightmares.

When I started high school, I thought things were looking up.

The Sun would shine on some days, overthrowing the clouds.

I felt myself returning...

I was beginning to dream again.

Yes, dream.

Dream of a world where there was no more pain,

No more crying,

No more nightmares.

But, unfortunately, it didn't last long.

The battle between Good and Bad was just beginning.

It felt like a never-ending war.

Year after year, my thoughts constantly fighting against one another.

I would find myself crying during the happiest times-

Because even though around me was good, inside it was bad.

I began to give up again,

Letting the bad win.

I didn't see a point in trying anymore.

I went on with life as a puppet,

Tormented by the one pulling my strings.

I had officially given up.

What point was there to try and fight?

Things were changing around me,

And fast.

I moved miles and miles away.

Away from family, friends, everything I knew.

I was alone with my demons.

They say you must hit rock bottom before things get better.

And college, my dear friends, was when I got better.

It took time, yes, but as the months went on, I began to fight back.

I told the thoughts in my head that were only there to break me to go away.

Go away, back to the nightmares where you belong.

The clouds in my life were going away, the sun was coming back.

I make it out as though it was easy, but it wasn't.

To this day I am still struggling to stay up,

To not let those bad things pull me back down.

Some days are harder than others,

But that is normal.

What matters the most is that by the end of it all,

I can say that I won.

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50 Things To Be Happy About

It's the little things in life.

It is always easier to pick out the negatives in life. We tend to dwell on them and drown out the happy moments. I asked a friend to tell me something that made them happy. They sarcastically laughed at my question then thought about it for a minute. Nothing. But they could easily come up with things that made them unhappy. Then I read them my list, and they were smiling and laughing in agreement the whole time. There are so many more things to be happy and laugh about than we realize. After all- it's the little things in life that can mean the most! Here are 50 things that make me happy. What are your 50?

  1. The first warm day of the year
  2. Laughing so hard your abs ache
  3. Freshly washed sheets
  4. Looking through old pictures
  5. The smell of a coffee shop
  6. Eating cookie dough
  7. Reading a bible verse that perfectly fits your current situation
  8. Seeing someone open a gift you got them
  9. Eating birthday cake
  10. A shower after a long day
  11. Marking something off your to-do list
  12. Drinking ice cold water on a really hot day
  13. Dressing up for no reason
  14. Breakfast food
  15. Being able to lay in bed in the morning
  16. Finding something you love at the store
  17. And it’s on sale
  18. Cute elderly couples
  19. When a stranger compliments you
  20. Getting butterflies in your stomach
  21. Taking a nap
  22. Cooking something delicious
  23. Being lost for words
  24. Receiving a birthday card in the mail
  25. And there's money in it
  26. Finally cleaning your room
  27. Realizing how fortunate you are
  28. Waking up from a nightmare and realizing it wasn't real
  29. Fresh fruit
  30. Walking barefoot in the grass
  31. Singing along to a song in the car
  32. Sunrises
  33. Sunsets
  34. Freshly baked cookies with a glass of milk
  35. Summertime cookouts
  36. Feeling pretty
  37. Looking forward to something
  38. Lemonade
  39. Comfortable silences
  40. Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you have more time to sleep
  41. Surviving another school year
  42. The cold side of the pillow
  43. The smell of popcorn
  44. Remembering something funny that happened
  45. Laughing to yourself about it
  46. Feeling weird about laughing to yourself
  47. Printed photographs
  48. Wearing a new outfit
  49. The sound of an ice cream truck
  50. Feeling confident
Cover Image Credit: Tumblr

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13 Thoughts About Transferring To A New College

I have been asking myself if I should stay or go to a different school.


I have asked myself the question, "Should I transfer?", so many times. Don't get me wrong, I like NC State and all. However, I'm not entirely in love with it. In some ways, I don't really feel like I belong here because of the environment I'm in. Everything is 'go, go, go' and there's never a time to breathe and take in everything. Maybe it's because of my personality and all but I have tried to give it my all into trying to partake in the college experience. I mean, I have been justifying why I should just stick to NC State out for the entire four years. Then, I have those thoughts that I should transfer.

1.  College applications round two.

2. It's a hassle getting everything organized to transfer to a different school.

3. Money.

4. Will I even like the school that I transfer to? 

5. You have to start over and make new friends.

6. Maybe I'll grow to love NC State.

7. It feels so lonely here even though there are over 30,000 students.

8. I work better in a small environment.

9. I don't have a lot of friends.

10. It's so much harder to get opportunities here.

11. NC State doesn't have the major that I want.

12. My sister is going to be even farther away from me when she goes to college.

13. I feel like a freak sometimes because of my introverted self.

I might not be able to change my thoughts and the way I am but these two semesters has given me the opportunity to see if I want to stay. I don't have an answer yet but give me next year and I'll give you one.

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