I wrote this recently after having an anxiety attack. I have struggled for years with anxiety and depression and I told myself that 2019 was going to be the year that I don't let my anxiety or depression control me. I have grown a lot since moving hours away to college and found that writing has helped more than anything.
When I was a little girl, I thought I owned the world.
Yes, little ole me though that the world I lived in was perfect...
Life was going to be easy,
Growing up would be a dream,
But reality overthrew those dreams,
Making the world around me dark, and not so perfect.
When I was in my last couple years of middle school,
I realized that the world was not perfect in the slightest.
It was a constant grey and blue surrounding me.
Mixes of sadness and emptiness filled my insides.
I began to crumble, deteriorating while others seemed to go on.
I clawed, screamed, and cried but the echoes of my pain vanished in the air.
I knew that life had to go on.
The demons inside me were taking over, the tight feeling inside hurt.
I would constantly ask when this nightmare would end.
When the red rivers along my body would dry...
When the voice in my head would soon take my side.
When would it all just end?
Before I could say I grew, I had to hit my low.
I was weak, anxious, and depressed.
I could only see the grey clouds in my future,
The Sun was gone forever.
I didn't think dreams could come true,
Because all of mine turned to nightmares.
When I started high school, I thought things were looking up.
The Sun would shine on some days, overthrowing the clouds.
I felt myself returning...
I was beginning to dream again.
Dream of a world where there was no more pain,
No more crying,
No more nightmares.
But, unfortunately, it didn't last long.
The battle between Good and Bad was just beginning.
It felt like a never-ending war.
Year after year, my thoughts constantly fighting against one another.
I would find myself crying during the happiest times-
Because even though around me was good, inside it was bad.
I began to give up again,
Letting the bad win.
I didn't see a point in trying anymore.
I went on with life as a puppet,
Tormented by the one pulling my strings.
I had officially given up.
What point was there to try and fight?
Things were changing around me,
I moved miles and miles away.
Away from family, friends, everything I knew.
I was alone with my demons.
They say you must hit rock bottom before things get better.
And college, my dear friends, was when I got better.
It took time, yes, but as the months went on, I began to fight back.
I told the thoughts in my head that were only there to break me to go away.
Go away, back to the nightmares where you belong.
The clouds in my life were going away, the sun was coming back.
I make it out as though it was easy, but it wasn't.
To this day I am still struggling to stay up,
To not let those bad things pull me back down.
Some days are harder than others,
But that is normal.
What matters the most is that by the end of it all,
I can say that I won.