The past month, I have been losing myself... and I didn't even know it. I was drowning in work, throwing myself into casual relationships, not feeling appreciated by my closest friend, worrying about quitting a newspaper I wrote for because I thought I'd lose a part of me by quitting— but spending a week away in the outdoors, being a counselor to fifth graders and teaching them about loving and appreciating nature and their surroundings and fellow peers, I realized I'm here.

I'm all here. I can never lose me in something. Ever.

The following is a poem that I feel encapsulates the full experience.

Constellation

I forgot who I was for a month.

Submitted my body

Like an offering.

To work, to lust, to loveless love

Like a ragged sweater

No one wants

But I’m warm and worn, all the same.

I forgot what it was like to just smile

Full teeth, with no lip stick on

With no blackness on my lashes

Weighing them down so the tears had

No room to breathe

So they had to choose to evaporate.

I forgot what it was like to just breathe

A deep, deep breath that takes in everything

The gold sun, the blue moonlight

The laughter and love that makes love with the night

Seeing you, near the fire, your brown eyes so there

I forgot what it was like to be loved

By those who love kindly

Who make soft tears fall but never put out the fire

Of jokes and of mud that stains cabin floors

So we must leave all our shoes, outside

I forgot what it was like to forget

To leave behind all the traces of dirt

That don’t come from trees or from flowers

To put away the old sweaters

That don’t need to be worn anymore

Whose holes leave you more cold

Than the stream that we stood in

The stream we all fell in

And walked off with….

Frozen skin but fire eyes

And I love seeing the bend of your skin

When you smile

And I love feeling the side glances

And cold nature romances

My hands interlocked

With only yours

In the court yard dances…

Oh and seeing them all look at me

Like I’m something worth looking at

Seeing them all love me

Like I’m something worth loving

Seeing them all want to show me

What makes their worlds set to fire

It’s like I’m important enough

To know all these things

That became important to me.

And so the stars all shone down on me

Constellations glistering, glimmering

All clusters of stars simply shivering

In these moments where heat is trapped

Only in hearts and hands put together

In wizards that don’t have to travel too far

To find the magic of the world

At their feet

I glistened in these bright lights

Of love and of laughter

I moved on from the chapter

Of forgotten sweaters and dreams

That no longer fit me

And I awoke to a beauty

So fresh it was born under stars

Constellations, will you look after me?

From now on?

Will you remember me, when I let

These old sweaters fade

Once and for good

Let bygones be bygones

That I merely forgot.