2 years ago, I experienced some severe trauma. I know many people who have been sexually assaulted, and because I was just harassed, I felt that I wasn’t allowed to be affected by it. But your story is yours no matter what; if thinking about it makes you upset, nobody can tell you that your feelings are invalid. Don’t ever forget that. Just because they didn’t touch you, that doesn’t mean they did not leave a psychological would in you. Don’t bottle these things up. For a long time, I would have nightmares of men breaking into my room in the middle of the night. I was scared to be alone. I stayed isolated for a couple months, but then I met someone who was able to help me out of the place I was in, and I guess the rest is history.

I have never felt more trapped than I did that night.

What I once called home, had walls so thin you could only tiptoe.

I was alone and watched TV to calm my nerves.

Jumping out of windows with your hood on, and driving away from this terrible place.

You aren't allowed to cry, because he'll hear you.

He'll scream your name as he bangs on your door in the middle of the night.

I was sexually harassed.

From that moment,

I no longer felt comfortable in my own skin,

and I hid away from anyone who dared to touch me.

That was the night I wanted my life to end.

I wasn't okay on the inside,

and it began to show on the outside.

This was a girl I didn't like.

She was closed off from the world,

and tattooed with toxic memories.

She was afraid of every man in sight,

but worst of all she feared her own body after that one night.

Any exposure of skin would put her in danger instead of empowering her.

I didn't want anything to do with men ever again,

and I was absolutely fine with never letting anyone in again.

But one day I knew our paths would cross.

I woke up that morning with my stomach in a knot,

thinking of all things that could go wrong when I meet you for the first time.

You kicked your foot in the door,

when you first touched me.

I got scared as I looked at you.

Why do men gotta be so assertive? I asked myself.

But I had to put my past behind, to realize you're not like him.

The unknown happened.

Despite all the damage, I immediately felt safe around you.

Like an abused dog when their shown love and compassion for the very first time.

You came at just the right time.

Your gentle soul slowly made me feel like me again.

I was slowly becoming less afraid of the world.

Despite everything trauma has put me through, I was finally able to fully trust again.

Never again, I will be afraid of own body.

I asked one day if we could talk,

And the only fear I had was that you wouldn’t care,

But you held me tight, after finding out what I've been through.

What I call a safe space has arms as strong as the waves, and wisdom like the sea.

I'll float away with you as long as you need me to.

Nobody holds me the way you did, and that was when I no longer identified as a victim.

It was a brand new start,

and those days of hiding in warm clothes during hot summer days were far behind me.

For the first time, my mind is quiet,

I've never been more content than I am with my head on your chest.

That was the day I wanted to live.

Today I’ve got a drawer full of new short-shorts,

And I’m excited the sun is out and it’s warm enough to wear them.

It’s been two years now and I take being able to wear what I want for granted,

But that’s something you should take for granted anyway.

Slip on those shorts and go,

We shouldn’t stand in the mirror for an hour feeling afraid to show some leg.

I’ve got another drawer of new swimsuits that I wouldn’t have touched back in the day,

I quickly stick one in my bikini bag and not think twice about it.

And I’m out the door.

I went to a bar the other night,

And got hit on a couple times.

One sat with me at the bar and tried to chat with me,

I stayed polite but tried to show no interest at the same time.

I’m not panicking, but I’m annoyed because I want him to leave.

Yeah, it sucks when men keep coming up to you,

But I’m getting stronger every day.

Despite all that, I still had a good time with my friends.

One day I’ll bluntly tell those boys to go away,

But not today, and that’s okay.

I had a dream about you last night,

And you hugged me the same way you did nearly 2 years ago.

I don’t think much about how I recovered from that mess,

But it was nice to look back.

The old memories coming back may overwhelm me,

But know I’ve got you to keep me grounded.

You are strong,

Keep moving forward,

You said to me during the Me Too campaign.

I will read that message again if I have trouble getting my shorts on one day.

Resources:

National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673

National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255