Where I come from, most families raise their boys like warriors. We are taught masculine things before we can even speak; such as playing with action figures, toy guns and all kinds of sports equipment. These masculine features also include our mentality. We are taught that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, a feminine trait, which is no good. All of these practices that take place within the first eight years of human life ultimately shape the majority of who we become as individuals, in my opinion. This then leads to our perception of what a “man” is. I know growing up in my city, you were the man if you knew how to dress nicely, started on a varsity sport team, and got with a lot of chicks. This is what we saw on television and listened to on our iPhones, so it must be true, right?

The older I get the more I am understanding that this entire time I was being brainwashed like the rest of us by men who are most likely married, and definitely wealthy. Men who don’t really care about how they dress, have been devoted to one woman for a majority of their life, and don’t flaunt their riches. The men who run this country want us, young black men like myself, to see the glamour and glory that comes with dressing nice and being a womanizer.

Not too long ago, the “cool” thing to do was be happily married at a young age with three to four children and raise a family in a house that you own. These days, the cool thing to do is flaunt a life that you really do not live on social media, and do everything you possibly can to maintain that image. The most frightening part is, it gets worse year after year. Now it’s not even “cool” to be in a relationship, or have a family. We rarely give people a fair shot either because of trust issues from bad experiences or following the advice of memes on Twitter.

One of the many problems that I have is being able to express how I really feel to the people that I really care about. I have a hard time with it because I was trained into thinking that you should always keep those kinds of things to yourself. Show a sense of pride and not look weak. In turn, this is what caused numerous relationships to end. Time after time I’ve lost great people in my life, and people have lost me, because the cool thing to do is be prideful and not express your gratitude and love for someone. Now, not every person that you encounter belongs in your life forever. In fact, most people that we meet, unfortunately, are temporary. But after many experiences I have become a firm believer in the idea that you should give people their flowers while they can still smell them. A lot of us tend to take many little things in life for granted because many of us live on routine schedules. In my mind, tomorrow I’m going to go to class, then go to work, handle whatever else I need to do, take a shower, go to bed and do it all over again the next day. But as we all know, life many times has other plans for us. Tomorrow is not promised, and neither are our relationships with any single human being on this earth. That’s why I’ve been training myself to think differently than what I see, what I’ve been taught by society. It’s never too late to turn your way of thinking around.

I’ll be the first one to admit that I have indeed practiced the methods of what it means to be “the man” in the eyes of my culture and young community. I thought it was cool to wear clothes that I could barely afford. But in reality, after buying those outfits I didn’t even have enough money in my pocket to take care of an emergency had one occurred. I thought it was cool to be involved with a handful of women at the same time. It’s crazy how people praise you for it as if it’s a talent. When in reality, a huge reason why I toyed with the emotions of the women I was involved with was because I was emotionless. I thought I was protecting myself by forcing myself to NOT get attached. But all that does is numb whatever baggage you have in the unhealthiest way.

Over the last year or so I’ve been observing and doing my own research. Most successful men in this country don’t even have social media. If they do, they barely even pay attention to it, and definitely don’t flaunt their lifestyle on their timeline. They are also married, and have been with the same woman for years. Notice I wrote woman (singular). Some of your favorite rappers are happily married and have been for years, they just rap about spending money and getting girls because that’s what the majority of my people love to hear.

I want more of us to be more open minded. I want us to think on our own and do our own research instead of listening to the same outside sources that have brainwashed us enough as it is. Don’t be scared to tell someone you appreciate them. Just because your favorite rapper has on Balenciaga’s, doesn’t mean that you have to wear Balenciaga’s. And just because one person hurt you a long time ago doesn’t mean that you have to make it difficult for the next one. The first step towards changing your frame of mind for the better is taking responsibility for your wrong doings, regardless of circumstances or influences. I admit that my old way of thinking was tremendously wrong. The materialistic things that I prioritized, my treatment of women, and my frame of mind overall. There are many who most likely feel the same way I do, but will never say it. So on their behalf, please forgive us. It is never too late to let go of all former burdens and start fresh. There is no better time than now.