My EQ level is higher than my IQ. For those who do not know what EQ is, its Emotional quota/intelligence.
Since I am more emotional than most, I tend to take things more seriously than you would. I empathize constantly and I am overwhelmed with feelings all the time. The feelings could range from love, affection or adornment to depression, destructive and agitation.
Taking things closely to heart means I let things in. I do not mean to, nor do I really want to. It just happens. I attract the feelings even though they disrupt me. Even though, they destroy me, and I let them. I let all the world’s problems fall on me and I cannot hold it. I know I can’t, and yet, I still sit in my room at 2am on a Tuesday balling my eyes out about how much I drown on a daily basis.
Even after I wipe my tears, put on a smile and step out in the world, I edge everything in my brain. I edge everything in stone. My hardships never really leave me. They follow me wherever I go. Even if I try to erase them from my brain, they don’t go away.
Whenever I am in a situation, where I even think it could possibly be my fault, I actually think it is. It takes me a while to come to terms that is not true. What needs to be understood is that some people are like this. Some people are extremely caring and they are actually a lot more harder on themselves than you are to them. They constantly think about what is happening around them and they do not forget about the mistakes they made. Even years in their past. The feelings never go away either.
I would be sitting in class and someone would comment about my outfit and then I instantly think about everything wrong with it, and how I decided to step out in the world dressed the way I am. A person with anxiety is always going to say they are fine. Of course they are, they do not want to burden you with what they are truly feeling. If they do that, then they will feel as if you are judging them behind their backs. (You probably are not, but they do not see it that way). So they try to make everything seem perfect or great in their lives and by faking the bright smile, we are just digging even deeper in this whole that we cannot get out of.
If we answered honestly, no one knows what to say.
If we answered honestly, no one knows what to do and sometimes,
If we answer honestly, some might not even care.
Which would bring us back to edging things in our brains. The mind that holds millions of things and if you have anxiety, it holds a billion more, constantly moving. Do not doubt us when we are saying “Oh I’m fine”, because on some level, we are. There is just a large part to some of us where the not so fine part takes over. We hide it well, we try to blend in. But by blendling, we disappear and some of us do not want to background trapped with the edged stones.