Out of nowhere my chest vibrates - it feels like my heart can only quiver, not pump blood. I feel a head-to-toe rush of warmth and paralyzing fear. I can hear my heart racing in my ears, my face goes blood red, a cold clammy sweat grips my body and soaks right through my shirt. I'm dizzy and extremely nauseous. My ears start to ring, roar really, while my vision tunnels, and my hands and feet go numb. My heart feels like it is racing beyond compatibility with life. My vision goes black, my hearing leaves me, and I hear a *SMACK* but feel no pain. Several minutes later I open my eyes and I'm lying on the floor. People are standing over me as I lay in a pool of my own blood. I'm unable to speak, I can't move my body for several more moments, I sit up and retch all over myself. 911 is called, an ambulance takes me to the hospital. All of my medical tests are inconclusive and I am sent home with a diagnosis of, and I quote, "Sometimes, this shit just happens."

What I have described is my body's misinterpretation of its Nervous Systems, an issue with the Fight-or-Flight response, also known as a Panic Attack. And while I was not always passing out, I was experiencing all of the other symptoms multiple times a day. In the shower, driving to work, teaching lessons, out with my friends and family. The issue became severe when I could no longer do my work. As a performing artist I was becoming a liability in rehearsals and in the wings of the stage. I was too at risk for injuring myself or jeopardizing the work of my colleagues. Finally, I knew I needed help beyond what I could give myself.

There are a lot of people who suffer from Anxiety, and in the performing world there are plenty of us who experience Performance Anxiety. For some of us, it fuels our stage presence and allows for a more expressive presentation of our work. And this was me, for longer than my anxiety has been an issue. My pre-show jitters were just a thirst for an audiences energy and it gave my art life that I couldn't do on my own.

But what happens when those jitters become out of control, an attack on the mind and body that doesn't actually exist? What do we do when it gets in our way? This is how I managed to get my performance anxiety under control, how I overcame it, and I how I handle it when it comes up now. For the record, I am not a medical professional; just a Beatnik Baritone sharing what worked for me and hoping that it can help you too.

In Spring of 2016 I was diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, and a generalized Panic Disorder. Before that, the scenario I described above was a very normal, albeit terrifying part of my life. I had to quit my day job, stop teaching my high school students, and reduce my private studio. My diagnoses were controlling my life but I didn't have any treatments or therapies that were working. Finally, after a breaking point, I found the help I needed and began to recover. My recovery is isolated here into three pillars. Just to to clear, I'm over-simplifying my experience to the bare bones of how I accomplished it. But, it is very much a practice that requires trial-and-error, mistakes, and a lot of self-awareness.

1. KNOW YOUR TRIGGERS.

For me, I needed to understand exactly what it was that was affecting my body so I could get it under control. My body was reacting so instinctually to literally nothing that it made it hard to predict when and how it would manifest. My therapist worked hard to establish my daily habits and analyze them in a constructive way.

The number one trigger for all of us is stress. We experience and handle stress differently and sometimes what someone would consider incredibly stressful is of no bother to someone else. Empathy for yourself and others will open the doors to more self-awareness. My stress was coming from performing: I had insecurities about my technical abilities and my vocal progress. (As a Classical Singer my entire professional merit is based on these.) I was becoming lost in my own spiraling thoughts about the terror of an impending attack. I was afraid of hyperventilating in front of my students, of my vision tunneling while I was performing, or even feinting while I was driving, which had almost occurred more than once. In essence, my fear of having a Panic Attack was giving me Panic Attacks!

A strange trigger for me is drastic changes in light (which is tough to manage when you're on the theatrical stage). Have you ever been in a room on an overcast day and out of nowhere the sun peaks through and fills the room with light but then immediately goes behind a cloud and is dark again? That is almost a guarantee to make my adrenaline spike and start the chain of symptoms for a Panic Attack. Why? Because my body sometimes interprets non-threatening situations, like changes in light, as dire situations in which I might not survive. It's a chemical imbalance, which we have theorized is an issue with how I process Serotonin, but being aware of scenarios like this make it very helpful to anticipate what could cause an attack.

2. COPING SKILLS.

Now that my Behavioral Health Team and I had identified what was happening, it was time to address how to fix it. First thing first: The Power of Breath. After a bit of a meltdown in a session, my therapist identified that I was holding my breath. This was, frankly, really odd: I'm a trained and tried Opera singer. Breathing was literally the entirety of my training. But in times of anxiety and panic I was inhaling but not exhaling. The trick was to identify it and break the cycle as soon as I became aware of it. So while I taught my students I made sure to take deep controlled breaths. In line at the store, pumping gas, out with friends (when I felt brave enough to do it), etc. I was constantly reminding myself to take concentrated breaths. And it helped! My attacks were fewer and fewer.

Additionally, I needed to remind my body that I cared for it. Fitness and Wellness became the next phase of my recovery. I joined a gym and threw my energy into the weight room. Letting out the excess stress created a positive outlet and it also gave me some positive feelings about my body for the first time in my life. Additionally, I began to focus more on my breathing through Yoga and Meditation. A Youtube channel that changed my life is Yoga With Adriene - a channel for beginner to advanced yogis at any point in their journey. Her vinyasa worked perfectly and she has hundreds of videos tailored to whatever you are trying to work through (depression, anxiety, meditation, strengthening, insomnia, etc.) This is an ever-evolving practice that, if you choose to embark on it, you will never fully master - which is great because it means you will always have room to improve and get better at it. Just a month ago a dear friend and collaborator of mine, Megan Adrielle, reminded me "The inhale will always happen naturally, focus on controlling the exhale." This added yet another layer to my coping skills of dealing with my Anxiety.

3. Medications

I left this one for last because I get the impression that a lot of people would like to save this as a last resort, which is completely acceptable. I knew from the moment my problems were out of control that I needed a pharmacological response to help - so it became my first response. This is the trickiest to get right because it requires a lot of faith in your medical team. I originally started my early 20s with a background in Nursing, so I can almost always tell when I'm being fed bullshit or not. My first psychiatrist was a nutcase and, frankly, has no business prescribing medications to people. So I switched doctors when I moved to Boston and got myself back on track. I trust my physician and we have finally found a balance of medications that keeps my diagnoses under control. But even as I write this I am in the process of getting my 'cocktail' right.

Since I have been on medication, which is Spring 2016, my panic attacks have gone from dozens of times a day to virtually none. I still experience anxiety and the occasional onset of an attack but it is remedied immediately with a little breathing practice. I needed both forms of therapies to get my life back under control. But once I did, I finally has a semblance of my old self. I found confidence and renewed energy in my performances and a restored ease on stage.

So what happens now? Yes, I do get very intense pre-show nerves but I've learned to focus that energy into my performance. If my anxiety grips and paralyzes me in a moment, I simply remind myself that I'm not paralyzed and I'll make an impromptu movement on stage - this simple step breaks my anxiety and puts me right back in the action. When I'm not singing but still on stage, I focus very carefully on my breaths and movement. And when all else fails I my therapist tells me to recite the Serenity Prayer, which I now say to my brain every time I am about to step out from the wings: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

This is a dialogue I have with my mind, not necessarily a higher power, and it's very helpful - Accept what I cannot change: 'I'm having a very real panic attack and my body is responding to a threatening situation that isn't real.' Change what I can: 'I am not in any danger, there is no physical change in the environment around me, the change of light is for the benefit of my art not an impediment to my abilities', and in my panic to check to see if I'm holding my breath and to break the cycle. And in thewisdom to know the difference? If I pass out on stage, then I pass out. No one is going to be mad at me or think less of me. My colleagues are going to love and support me and make sure I'm safe. In a way you just have to Let Go and Let "God"

I wish you all the luck in the world as you overcome your anxieties. I hope my experiences can help yours and that all of your attempts in life become accomplishments. Please follow, share, and comment with your own tricks and therapies - you never know who you can reach!

In bocca al lupo!