Sometimes, most of the time actually, I forget that I'm human and put myself into a box. A box of perfection. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in trying to be perfect that I leave myself (mental health included) in the dust. I constantly find myself trying to be the best: the best Christian, the best fiancée, the best friend, the best student, the most physically fit, the list goes on and on. The funny thing is, I'm not even really comparing myself to others. It's just me, myself and I in a competition of trying-to-be-perfect, and then beating myself up for not achieving the perfectionism I so badly crave.
I wonder if you've done the same.
If you've ever had just a touch of perfectionism you know the feeling. That constant feeling of not being 'good enough.' Maybe you set goals that are unrealistic for the time and season that you're currently in. Or, maybe achieving a 3.9 GPA instead of a 4.0 still isn't good enough to you, no matter what circumstances and trials you may have faced throughout that semester. That GPA of 3.9 still is not a 4.0, and, if it's not a 4.0, it's not good enough.
I feel you. I've been there, and, honestly, most days I am still there. Stuck in the world of 'not being good enough,' no matter what. It's a hard place to be in, to live in. But, quite honestly, it is really, really hard for me to not live in this world. I am afraid of failing and afraid of not being good enough. So, in turn, I will sacrifice anything, mental health included, to be 'good enough.' I am afraid that if people see my imperfections, they will leave. But I think the biggest role that plays into me wanting to be perfect is God.
I feel that if I am not perfect, God will leave me in the dust. I'm scared He will forsake me. That He will forget about me and leave me behind, fighting on my own against the world and all of its hardships. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect before I come to God (and most people) with any of my problems. I like to put on a facade that makes it appear as though I have everything under control, because I don't want people to see that I'm human, and that I make mistakes. I'm scared that I will be rejected, not only by God, but by others if I am not perfect. And that thought hurts me to my very core.
I struggle with perfectionism, and the thought of not constantly striving for it leaves me with a lot of unknowns. But here's one thing I have learned: constantly beating myself up for being human will leave me (and you) with a lot more scars than failing to be perfect ever will. God loves us just as we are. He knows we are human and that we are bound to make mistakes, because He created us, and He will NOT forsake us. Did you hear that? No?
God loves you just as you are. And I'm willing to bet your friends and family do as well, imperfections included.
I'm still learning how to allow myself to be human, and how to love myself just as I am. Letting go of my perfectionism is a battle that I will continue to fight. Luckily, I have a loving God and support system who continue to show me nothing but mercy and patience, even when I fail. And we are all bound to fail at some time in our lives.
We are human after all. Perfectly imperfect humans.