As a Christian, ironically, I used to judge people a lot. I judged anyone who I believed was not following God, who was living in sin, or even Christians who I deemed as not passionate enough. I judged almost everyone except those few fervent preachers and evangelists I listened to who appeared to have it all together, living their lives dedicated to God.

I believed I had it all together, that I knew the truth. I knew my Bible, I knew what I believed to be sound doctrine. I faithfully went to church every week, read my Bible every day, and lived a good Christian life. But the more I thought I had it all together and was living passionately for God, the more I judged people outside my little religious box I was living in.

I judged gay people, I judged people who did drugs, I judged people who I thought were too worldly. I judged people for not being spiritual enough or for listening to secular music instead of worshiping God all the time. I judged people for swearing or for being a part of any other religion, including atheists. And I saw it as my great and high calling to try to save them and bring them to believe in God, or my understanding of God.

I know all of this probably sounds ridiculous. But sadly, it was all I knew, it is the mindset so many Christians are raised to believe. I was so accustomed to judging that I did not even realize I was doing it, I thought it was out of love that I saw people the way I did. I believed God wanted them to be free from their sins and live a holy life and I thought that all those people who were different than me must be deliberately running from God. I was ignorant.

To all the people I judged, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I saw you as lesser or sinful. I’m sorry I was so blind to how beautiful each person is. It took me questioning all my previous beliefs and being brought to my lowest point. It took me feeling fallen away from God, feeling judged by other Christians, and even doubting God to see at least a little bit where the people I once judged were coming from. I began to see how real their struggles were. When their struggles became real to me, I realized how much I had judged people before and it broke my heart.

In my doubting, I still felt love and grace, probably more than ever before. Love and grace became tangible because I needed it. I realized I knew nothing, I didn’t have it all together, I didn’t know what the truth was anymore, but suddenly none of that mattered because I was still loved. It was a humbling but beautiful experience. I no longer see people as sinner or saved, they are all just people, real people with real feelings and experiences, and beliefs that are all beautiful. None of us have it all figured out, we are all growing and learning, but that’s the beauty of it. Life isn’t about having it all together and looking perfect, it’s about love, and growth, and acceptance. It’s grace. If God is anything like Jesus, I know He is a lot more gracious than we ever expected Him to be. Much more accepting and understanding and humble towards people.

It is a relief to not have to judge people, to realize I am no better than anyone else. More judgment will not get this world anywhere. Everyone has felt judged enough and that has not solved anything, only created more pain and division. This world needs understanding and acceptance.

One experience I had that drastically changed my perspective on homosexuals, people I once judged a lot, is when a close friend and Christian brother told me he was gay. It wrecked my world hearing about his struggle reconciling his faith with his feelings. He tried everything to get rid of his attraction towards other men, but nothing worked. I guess I had always just assumed that gay people were deliberately living in sin and disobeying God, but hearing from my friend, I realized this was not the case. I knew he loved God and had a very personal relationship with Him. I had no words to say. I simply listened and told him he will always be my brother in Christ and that I love him no matter what, and I meant it. I did not care if he ever changed, I was happy he finally felt free to be himself and stop hating that part of himself and I was honored that he chose to share it with me.

It is sad that a religion that is meant to be based on acceptance and unconditional love has often been so focused on sin and judgment that its own members feel judged and unable to express themselves. All I know is I have seen how harmful judgment is. It destroys relationships and people, it causes self-harm and depression. When I judged it not only hurt people around me, but it hurt myself. I probably judged myself more than anyone, any parts of me that I deemed as wrong or sinful, I would judge, and hate, and hide. Self-judgment left me hurting and miserable inside and it made it hard for me to give and receive love.

It is such a relief now to know that I am loved no matter what and so is everyone else, no matter how they act or what they believe. When people express their feelings and beliefs it is beautiful and healing. To everyone I once judged, or whoever felt judged by anyone, especially Christians, I apologize, that’s not the way it is meant to be. Know that you are loved and you are beautiful as you are. Be yourself, and express yourself, because you are beautiful.