This is probably the hardest thing I have ever written, so bear with me as I explain myself.
I know that in the hall at school or passing by, you see me smile and wave, and you do the same. What you don’t know is that sometimes it’s hard to even do that.
My whole life I’ve always tried to get people to like me. I’m a people pleaser. When I was a kid, I would wear clothes that my biological mom bought for me proudly because I thought she would one day let me pick out something for myself, or just like me. I let her push me around like a doll.
When I was in elementary school, I was mean. I wasn’t nice to certain girls because the popular girls weren’t. I lost one of my best friends in 4th grade because a certain girl didn’t like her. I wanted everyone to like me, but I made the wrong choice. I left elementary with bad memories and torn friendships that I haven’t spoken to them since then. I made a mistake when I was 9 and that kind of set me on a path until now. I traded the meanness for ignorance and chose not to care about anything. I didn't care if no one liked me because I wouldn't put forth an effort. That could’ve been the mistake that made my life. My then ignorance turned into lots of social anxiety.
As I have said in a previous article, I came from a strict society and from there, is where I began my path to decency. I got dragged back down in high school by making the wrong friends at first, getting involved in the petty drama that shouldn’t have even happened, and not caring what happened after.
Being nice to everyone can be hard when you started out mean. The influence you have growing up establishs everything. I had a very negative birth mother, I was born into the depression I have now and I am still working hard to get a balance.
And you must think, “Mari, it takes two seconds to be nice to someone and make their day…” I’m aware of this fact, and I do take more than two seconds to make someone’s day now, but it’s more about the friendships.
I have a hard time making friends now because I don't know how to be a friend. This isn't a pity party sentence, but don't make the same mistake I did. The only reason I have my boyfriend is that I refused to let myself give up on him, and I'm still fighting my nonchalant attitude that I've grown to adapt my whole life.
Everyone has flaws and mistakes they’ve made, and this is mine. If I could go back and redo all of it, I would. I want to be a nice person that everyone knows, but I’m still struggling with it. I’m kind, but I don’t show it. I care but I say I don’t. It’s tricky, but patience is something that is needed with me.
It’s work that gets exhausting at time, but I still push.