Dear Mom,

I went and saw "Love, Simon" recently.

Do you know about that movie and what it represents? The Big C - Coming Out.

I won't spoil the movie for anyone, but I do want to mention that I didn't officially come out to you. Even in the 21st Century, even in a time where people are more accepting... it's still terrifying to think that your parent/guardian wouldn't accept you for all of your LGBTQIA+ glory. That's where I'm at, mom - a rock and a hard place.

Growing up, I guess I didn't really notice you basking in your prejudice until I was out on my own and recognizing that I needed to check myself. So I suppose, in a twisted sort of way, you helped me come out to myself - to be more accepting, and most importantly supportive to all of the people within the community itself. That's the thing about coming out to your parents though... it's still scary. I think you know - I think you've always known, but you ignore it because I am that terribly annoying society placed normality - I am Passably Straight.

Passably Straight (this is my own working definition) is identifying with the gender you were assigned (cis-gender) at birth and being in a partnership/relationship with someone of the opposite gender who also identifies as cis. This in no way means there are only 2 Genders or that you have to identify with anything (got a problem?) - the confines of who we are is immortalized by what people assume to be the "right" way. My partner and I look like a Straight couple. This can be annoying in either community as Straight people and LGBTQIA+ people think we're also Straight.

In Love, Simon - he says "P.S. It doesn't seem fair that only gay people have to come out. Why is straight the default?" I am right there with that - WHY IS STRAIGHT THE DEFAULT? Instead of making assumptions about another person, why don't we just inquire if we are that interested? Why does it matter what my personal sexual preferences are? Or anyone's for that matter? I find it enraging that as people, we assume these things and don't actually do a follow-up to see if A. We're wrong and should correct ourselves or B. We're right. This - in my opinion - isn't a terribly difficult task. Ask and ye shall be informed. Unless of course, you fall into category C. NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, then most definitely walk away and leave well enough alone.

This is all very exhausting, mom.

I have to basically prove myself to not be straight just because that's the society-based default of preference. I don’t appear queer enough to be what I am, but I also don’t appear queer enough to be what I'm not. It’s... I am just so tired of working this hard to be in my own damn community.

Have you ever thought about that?

Having to work your ass off just to appear what you undoubtedly are? Being told that I couldn't possibly be Queer because I don't "look" like it. Or that I just need to "pick a side." ... Pick a side? Are you kidding me? There are no sides here. Again, this is exhausting.

So here I am, mom, a QUEER.

I am a proud Queer. I know you will probably never accept this part of me - I wish you would, but that's why I just can't physically tell you. I don't want to believe that as my mother, you wouldn't accept me. Out of all of the people in this world, I think knowing you wouldn't accept me hurts the most. I... It's something I deal with often. I hope someday you'll come to terms with it, with me being Queer or at least look around it, just not blatantly ignoring me because of it. Yes, being Queer is an important aspect of me and my psyche, but it's most definitely not the most interesting thing about me.

I want to believe that there are so many amazing people in this world, that coming out isn't a chore for us - one where we are in constant fear of losing family, friends, and respect of other people. You don't have to be like us, you just have to literally treat us as human beings. I really feel like this isn't the hardest thing to do, mom. I'm sorry that maybe this isn't what you wanted, but this is who I am. I will always love you, no matter what.

Maybe one day mom, you and I will be better.

With Love,

Your Little Queer