Having Your Mother Accept Your Partner As A Queer Person Is An Amazing Feeling

Having Your Mother Accept Your Partner As A Queer Person Is An Amazing Feeling

It doesn't always happen, but when it does, it's huge.

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I am the only child of a single, hardworking, and overprotective mother. All of my life it has just been my mom and I, my parents divorced when I was seven but even before then it was just momma and I. As you can imagine with any nasty divorce, the main parent becomes EXTREMELY overprotective. My mom worries about me nonstop; I'm the only person that she has to worry about because I am her only kid. At times her over-protectiveness turns into her being overbearing and she knows that. She also knows that even when she goes overboard and we argue that I still love her and I know she just wants to make sure that I'm okay. About two years ago I hit the "I'm 17 mom, I'm an adult" stage. Well, now I'm 19 and it still hasn't hit her that her little kid is a big kid now.

Before I really start this, let me just say that my mom loves me and always does everything to take care of me. Mom and I laugh, cry, fight, and sit in silence together. She's my PIC (partner in crime) and I wouldn't want another one to take her place. Even though I'm 19 now, I still have to ask my mom for permission to do some things. Yes, this is a thing that I'm sure any parent reading it would agree with. However kids, are ya with me? Sometimes I hate having to ask her for permission because I know that I'm not going to get the answer that I want or I'm going to have to answer a lot of questions before I can do the thing that I want. Again, I know I'm her only thing and that she does this because she loves me and I don't blame her. I worry about my mom constantly just like she does me.

After thinking about how and when to ask my mom, I finally asked her a week in advance if I could go to Knoxville, TN by myself to see a girl. That sentence has so many red flags in it. I have never been to Knoxville, nor to Tennessee; this was an immediate concern of hers. The drive is about four hours and some change and that made her worry instantly even though my drive home to see her is an hour less. Going alone to a place I have never been before scared my mom because what if I "ended up dead in a ditch somewhere". Lastly, going to see a girl was not high on mom's priority list. I could have gone home to see my family instead, and she is right.

My mom contemplated my trip a lot. I also asked her if I could go a day early and she thought about it a lot and finally said yes. The one condition was that I turn on my location services so she could see where I was and if I did end up dead in a ditch, she knew which one to dig me out of. I agreed and departed on my four hour trip Thursday around lunch. I'm sure that my mom was freaking out the entire time, but once I got to Knoxville she could breath easy and so could I.

I was looking forward to this trip so much. The girl I was going to see is in Knoxville for Grad School and is someone that really matters to me. Even though she is not my partner (we're not dating mom!), Ciara is someone that I want in my life and that makes me really happy and safe feeling. Ciara and I spent most of the summer together before she moved and I promised her that I would go see her once she moved. At the time of that promise, I didn't really know how my mom would feel about it for several reasons, but the biggest one being because she is a girl that I like.

Momma Grace is overprotective, I have already said that. But Momma Grace hasn't liked anyone that I have dated before. My last real girlfriend was someone that mom felt was not right for me and she made that clear during and after our relationship. I have never really dated someone that my mom liked. My mom liking the person that I'm with is really important to me because she matters to me and if I have someone in my life as a partner, I want them to get along with my mom.

My mom loves Ciara. She loves her and she hasn't even met her yet. The whole time I was in Knoxville, they were texting each other and would talk on the phone when I was talking to my mom. Several times mom told me that she could tell that I was happy and at peace with Ciara. Once she even said that she had a good feeling about Ciara that she hasn't had about others.

Hearing my mom talk about Ciara the way she does makes me even happier with Ciara. I feel like I don't have to worry about if they will get along or not or if one of them is going to say something negative about the other to me. I have never felt the way that I do right now. Granted, I have not had a lot of relationships but the ones that I have, my mom hasn't liked the person or had a bad feeling about our relationship. I see so many heterosexual couples who have such a close relationship with the their partners family and I have always wanted that. My mom finally accepts the person that I'm not with, but the person that I care about. They are both so excited to meet each other and I'm really excited for that moment too.

I know that my mom may not let me go to Knoxville that often in the future, but I do know that she really likes Ciara. The feeling of my mom liking the person that I like is such an amazing feeling. I already knew that Ciara was a great person and that she was genuine, I just had to let my mom see it. I'll always be thankful for this feeling and to my mom for letting me go to Knoxville. Had I not gone to Knoxville, mom might not have realized the person that I like is this amazing.

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To The Dad Who Didn't Want Me, It's Mutual Now

Thank you for leaving me because I am happy.
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Thank you, for leaving me.

Thank you, for leaving me when I was little.

Thank you, for not putting me through the pain of watching you leave.

Thank you, for leaving me with the best mother a daughter could ask for.

I no longer resent you. I no longer feel anger towards you. I wondered for so long who I was. I thought that because I didn't know half of my blood that I was somehow missing something. I thought that who you were defined me. I was wrong. I am my own person. I am strong and capable and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

In my most vulnerable of times, I struggled with the fact that you didn't want me. You could have watched me grow into the person that I have become, but you didn't. You had a choice to be in my life. I thought that the fact that my own father didn't want me spoke to my own worth. I was wrong. I am so worthy. I am deserving, and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

You have missed so much. From my first dance to my first day of college, and you'll continue to miss everything. You won't see me graduate, you won't walk me down the aisle, and you won't get to see me follow my dreams. You'll never get that back, but I don't care anymore. What I have been through, and the struggles that I have faced have brought me to where I am today, and I can't complain. I go to a beautiful school, I have the best of friends, I have an amazing family, and that's all I really need.

Whoever you are, I hope you read this. I hope you understand that you have missed out on one of the best opportunities in your life. I could've been your daughter. I could have been your little girl. Now I am neither, nor will I ever be.

So thank you for leaving me because I am happy. I understand my self-worth, and I understand that you don't define me. You have made me stronger. You have helped make me who I am without even knowing it.

So, thank you for leaving me.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Mom And Dad, Your Differences Made Me Who I Am

They are two halves of the person I aspire to be — a thoughtful person, committed to excellence in each of her areas of passion, who is hungry to build upon the extensive base of experiences that she has acquired to date.

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My parents, the most important factors in shaping who I am, are a mosaic of juxtaposed perspectives, a tribute to the notion that "opposites attract." Dad once tried to explain their differences in the language of the Myers-Briggs personality inventory; his introversion versus Mom's extraversion, his thinking to her feeling, etc. Labels aside, the consequence of living with their differences was balance and an ability to place equal value on both breadth and depth in any aspect of life.

Nothing underscored competing for parental influences in our household better than the typical dinner conversation around the events of the school day. I'd usually lead with news of some test result. Mom would be quick to congratulate my good work while deflecting the conversation toward upcoming social events or some drama involving my friends. Dad preferred to discuss the specific problems I missed, even if 97% were correct.

Over time, I came to realize that Mom's seemingly dismissive attitude toward academic achievement was not meant to minimize its importance. To her, what went on in the world of human relationships beyond the classroom, was equally important. Similarly, Dad's insistence on reviewing every incorrect problem was not indicative of some ridiculously high standard of achievement. Instead, it was his way of communicating the value of always striving to be better and the importance of treating every mistake as an opportunity to learn.

Extracurriculars, like sports, were also illustrative of this household dichotomy. Mom would encourage me to join as many different activities as possible, just to give them a try. In the heart of the club spring soccer season, she'd sign me up for golf lessons, a charity 5K run, or volunteer my time to tutor a neighbor's friend. Dad cared more about mastery of specific sports. Quick to point out areas for improvement, he pushed me to excel through relentless practice and total commitment.

It was often difficult to reconcile Mom's push for diversification and Dad's push for focus, but I eventually realized that each was acting in what they perceived to be in my best interests. Mom wasn't tired of sitting on wet, soggy sidelines, she wanted me to have a broad range of experiences so I could find my true passions. Her mantra was that you couldn't know unless you try. Dad didn't push me to constantly practice because he expected me to get a soccer scholarship. Rather he wanted me to understand the work that it takes to achieve excellence.

Much to Dad's vexation, Mom often scheduled activities that interfered with practice times. We'd routinely go on vacation a few days early or to take a night off to see a play. Summer vacations were sacred and trumped any other commitments. The day school was out we would leave for the east coast and not return until just before school began. Lengthy absences meant leaving all commitments behind, including summer training seasons.

Dad never overtly opposed Mom's summer plans, but I knew he was troubled by them. Excellence required a commitment that was not compatible with being absent for several months each year. Mom was not against sports or the commitment they required, but she placed supreme value on the exposures and experiences that a summer of travel could offer.

Over time, I learned to live fully in each of my parents' worlds. When it was time to study or practice, I gave everything I had. Equally, I joined Mom's adventures, with eager eyes and a full heart. I learned that there is not just one way to be raised or a single way to approach a situation. I was never made to choose between competing views in my household, I was challenged to fully embrace each. My parents' perspectives are less conflicting and more complimentary.

They are two halves of the person I aspire to be — a thoughtful person, committed to excellence in each of her areas of passion, who is hungry to build upon the extensive base of experiences that she has acquired to date. I hope to be as deep as I am broad, to be extremely flexible, and to be comfortable in the gray areas between the black and the white. Like my Mom, I engage the world around me and am fed by its energy, and like my Dad, I am introspective and fully at home in the world of ideas.

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