10 Things You Never Thought You'd Say As A Parent

10 Things You Never Thought You'd Say As A Parent

Do NOT lick.....
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Parenting is wonderful and tiring all at once. The joys of parenting often outweigh the ridiculous moments that pop up at any given time. Sometimes these ridiculous moments lead to situations you never thought that you'd be in, and leave you saying things that you never thought you would. I asked around and the following are ten things that we came up with.

1. Don't eat (fill-in-the-blank)

Nearly all parents have had to have this conversation with their kids. Whether it be glue, food off of the ground, their boogers, or crayons, kids seem to put the darnedest things in their mouths. While we inwardly cringe as they chomp away on the chip that they found god knows where, they couldn't be happier.

2. Where are your pants?

Seriously? I mean you were wearing them less than two minutes ago? Where could they have gone? Somehow pants always seem to go missing and the rest of the clothes shortly after. This is especially fun when you're rushing around trying to get ready to leave and the minute you turn your back another piece of clothing is missing.

3. Underwear does NOT go on your head!

This seems to be more common with little boys. For some reason, they feel that underwear makes an excellent hat. Generally this exclamation is met by a fit of giggles as they run away with the underwear still on their head.

4. Why is there (fill-in-the-blank) in your hair?

You name it and at some point it's been in their hair. Play-Doh, candy, ranch dressing, peanut butter, lotion, and everything else. Kids get into EVERYTHING and somehow they manage to only transfer the sticky or gooey into their hair.

5. Chew your food!

Again, this one seems to be mostly for boys. They want to inhale their food so they can get back to playing quicker. Seems silly having to remind someone to chew before they swallow right?

6. Why are you painting pictures with (fill-in-the-blank)?

Kids get into everything and often times they use whatever they've gotten into to make a small mess into a much bigger problem. One of my favorites is smearing chocolate syrup all over the fridge in order to make a "rocket picture." Another is using lotion to draw all over the floor to make a "rainbow."

7. Let me get that (fill-in-the-blank).

Whatever happens to be on your kid, you don't squirm away from getting it off. Using spit on your thumb to wipe off a smudge of ketchup is second nature. Having to chase around your child to wipe their snotty nose is something you don't even think about anymore.

8. You CANNOT pull down your pants in public!

Seems like common knowledge right? Most people know that there are rules in public. Kids don't care about any of those. They only care that their pants are scratchy or that they're too hot. Pants come right off.

9. You CANNOT fart on people and laugh about it

Again, this seems to be more common with boys. They love fart noises, so why wouldn't they think actual farting is funny? This one comes with a lot of apologizing to others as you try to explain why this isn't okay.

10. Do NOT lick (fill-in-the-blank)

Every variation of this has to have been said at some point. Don't lick the wall. Don't lick the dog. Do NOT lick your sister's foot! What is it with kids and licking things?


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To My Little Brother

Six things I want you to know.
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I am not your mother, but I am your big sister.

I cannot even apologize for it, I am always going to act like your second mom. I am going to keep yelling at you to (please) put down the toilet seat and to clean up the mess you made in the kitchen. It doesn't matter to me how often you say "I am not your mother," because you're my little brother and I'm always going to be the boss.

I never mean it when I tell you to grow up.

I hope that you have taken, and continue to take, full advantage of your childhood. As often as I complain about your maturity level, my wish for you is to put off growing up for as long as possible. The closer I get to real adult life, the more I miss home and all of the worries I didn't have. You shouldn't rush through the years you have left at home, you are doing just fine the way you are.

No, I didn't tell Mom.

All of our secrets will always stay secrets. I may have ratted you out to Mom about being the one to break her new vase, but I hope you know that our brother-sister bond protects all of the private things we share. Please, never forget that I'll always be here to listen to you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for giving you your first bloody nose, and for laughing at you afterward. I'm sorry for every time I have blown you off for plans with a guy, or to get an extra hour of sleep. I'm sorry for yelling at you to leave me alone and for slamming the door in your face. I'm sorry for all of the times you asked me to play outside that I didn't. I'm sorry for all of my broken promises.

I forgive you.

I forgive you for all of the “little brother" insults you have used. I forgive you for using all of my paints and letting them dry out. I forgive you for embarrassing me in front of every guy I ever brought home. I even forgive you for cutting off that piece of my hair in fourth grade.

I am so proud of you.

It isn't said nearly enough, but I am so proud of you, little brother. I am envious of the passions that you have and the way that you pursue them with no fear! I am excited to see where you go in life (but don't go anywhere too quickly). Keep working hard and doing what you love, no one can fault you for following your heart. I love you so much, and I will always be your biggest supporter and fan!

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Friendly Reminder To Give Your Parents A Break, Because They Make Mistakes Just Like Us

As far as I was concerned, the birth of my parents coincided with my own.

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As children, there is a very obvious fact concerning our parents that we either consciously ignore or, in most cases, are completely oblivious to. And this fact is that our parents are, like everyone else, only human.

Up until recently, I never thought about who my parents were before they became "Mom" and "Dad." As far as I was concerned, the birth of my parents coincided with my own. And in becoming parents, I thought they were immediately bestowed with all of the powers that came with that grandiose title: unparalleled bravery and wisdom, unwavering patience and confidence, unrivaled strength and leadership.

Throughout my whole life, I have unfairly and unreasonably held them to these impossible standards of perfection, and when they failed to meet them, I blamed them for their shortcomings: whenever they would raise their voice at me, I blamed them for being mean. Whenever they refused to let me go out with my friends at night, I blamed them for being unfair. Whenever they couldn't offer me the "right" advice for my petty pre-teen problems, I blamed them for being unhelpful and even useless.

What I failed to acknowledge was the fact that my parents were not always parents. They were, and still are, the children of their own parents, meaning they hold within themselves all of the traits that come with that title: fear and naivete, impatience and uncertainty, weakness and inexperience. And so, it turns out that my parents are just children who are taking care of other children. Whenever they yelled at me, it is because they were capable of losing their patience.

Whenever they refused to let me stay out too late at night, it is because they were capable of being afraid; whenever they couldn't offer me the solution to all of my problems, it is because they were capable of simply not having all the answers.

And so we must remember that just like us, our parents are doing the best they can do, and just as they accept our best effort, perhaps we should learn to theirs as well.

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