As a pansexual woman, there are few things more annoying than Tinder-matching with a cute girl, sending a few messages back and forth...and then discovering that Emma, 22, has actually never been with a woman, and is really just looking for a “third” to spice things up in the bedroom with her hairy boyfriend Mike. Like, don’t wait until we’ve started talking to announce that if I’m trying to eat you out, I have to also put up with some random straight dude sitting there watching me do it.
Pansexuality refers to the sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction to another person regardless of their gender, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. For me personally, the term “bisexual” sounds limiting, like I’m into one or the other. In my case, I’m into someone if I’m into someone, regardless of gender. My Tinder is set to both men and women - sometimes only women when I get annoyed at all the 3 a.m. “hey u up?” messages from dudes named Josh who work in tech.
I’m a proponent of threesomes, and Tinder is a resourceful way to look for them. The problem arises when people aren’t upfront in their profiles. If you’re looking for a threesome, explicitly state that in your profile. Like, that should be your first sentence. Start your bio with “laid back couple looking for a third” and then go on to state your personality type, your height, your Instagram handle, your misassigned Marilyn Monroe quotes or anything else you feel randos need to know when swiping through your Tinder bio. It would also be good to have a picture of the two of you, but if you’re into discretion (which is 1000 percent understandable), still make sure to mention exactly what you’re looking for.
That way, if people are interested, they can swipe right and send a message, and nobody’s time gets wasted. But if Emma, 22, doesn’t write on her profile that Mike, 38, is also involved, and we send flirty messages back and forth and then I stop replying once I hear that Mike is in the picture, everyone’s time gets wasted: mine, Emma’s, and Mike’s. I mean, even if I don’t want to have a threesome with Mike, I’m sure there is someone out there who does, and Mike deserves an awesome consensual threesome as much as the next guy.
I’m all for threesomes, but I’m also all for honesty. Not divulging that you’re part of a package deal is dishonest. Just because I want to meet up with a cute Tinder girl does not mean I’d also like her boyfriend to be involved - but I might be into that if everyone’s upfront about everything.