Panic Attacks Are My New Best Friends
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Panic Attacks Are My New Best Friends

Yup, we've gotten to know each other really well.

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Panic Attacks Are My New Best Friends
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I'm a strong believer in the idea that everyone experiences some level of anxiety regularly in their lives. No matter how "easy going" and "chill" you are, there are things that completely destabilize you. Things that make you have to take and moment and remind your body how to maintain its composition.

Since 2013, I have had about five panic attacks. Each one has a reasonable backstory for why it was induced. But all of them were the worst experiences I have ever felt.

Panic attack number one happened in New York City. It was my first time in the Big Apple and we had just gotten off the subway and entered a mall to do some light shopping. I was about 13 at the time, so eighth grade me was excited to stunt on my non-traveler friends with some great "I *heart* NY" merch. I already had snagged a nice grey mesh bag with the New York City skyline on it, so that's what I was toting around as we explored the city. All of a sudden, I couldn't find my phone. My precious smart phone. It was my first touch screen, and I suddenly couldn't find it. I did what any thirteen year old would do and tried to play it cool with my parents while completely losing my mind. I made my family stop at the food court tables so I could literally dump everything out of my bag and search every thread of that bag for any clue of my phone. After about a thirty second attempt, I sat down and started hyperventilating. My lovely mother saw this as the perfect opportunity to start lecturing me about how irresponsible I was for not taking care of something I was trusted with and how I wouldn't get another phone for a while. Basically, she was informing my whole social life had just been lost with that phone.

Turns out, it was in that stupid secret pouch that bag manufacturers think is so important to have. It is in some cases, but I haven't used that bag since that day. It's somewhere in my junk closet now. I think I broke the zipper because I was so angry. But the point of this anecdote isn't to show you how attached I was to my phone since the beginning, but to detail my panic attack. It started with the hyperventilation. And then my body started shaking, vibrating almost. If I could perfectly describe it, it was like my whole body was filled with static, but not the electric stuff. No I mean the static you feel when your foot falls asleep and then all you feel is pins and needles. That's how my whole body felt. And I couldn't stop sobbing. My body adapted this non-voluntary motion of making me rub my palms against my legs- it was like I was trying to soothe myself. The back and forth motion was meant to give a rhythmic reassurance that all would be fine. The panic attack lasted for about 10 minutes, but back then, that was too long to feel unstable for me.

Since that first one, I've had about five other panic attacks. Most of them were reactions to life changing events or moments, so they were definitely not unprovoked. Usually, those life changing events are super emotional and sensitive things. They are super personal, so I won't share those here- at least, not yet.

But I wanted to share my experiences with panic attacks to connect with other people. I know to some people, five panic attacks or so in the span of seven years doesn't seem like a lot. But it's not the frequency that matters- it's the fact that my body has them at all. It's like a fight or flight instinct, but the only choice I have is to freeze and flail. Panic attacks are my go-to response. And I keep saying I've only had five, but that's five major ones. Five that have last more than an hour (other than the first one). I'm sure I've have more frequent mini ones where I just temporarily lose my mind.

I want to get better at stabilizing my mind when life changing moments happen. Unfortunately, I'm a Pisces and we're some emotional people. Ridiculously emotional. And to top it all off, of course I have to be an angry crier; if you don't know what that is, it's basically someone who cries when they're super angry. You would think crying is the last thing an angry person would want to do, you know, so we can maintain the tension and facade. But no. At the first sign of aggression, tears just start rolling down my face. Love that. My parents don't really understand it because both of them are actually stable. But of course, they couldn't pass the alleles for that trait down (ooh, Biology 2 making an appearance).

Anyways, this is more of a mental health awareness post than anything. If you're prone to panic attacks as a immediate response to emotional-traumatizing events, I don't really have any tips for you. I'm just hoping to share that you know, we will be okay. It may be ten minutes, or thirty minutes, or a couple of hours. But that feeling will subside and your mind will come back down from space. It takes a lot...A LOT...of deep breaths and probably some contact with a furry animal.

Here's to being emotionally stable for the rest of 2019!

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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