Pain is usually considered a physical thing that many people deal with. This can be caused by a simple paper cut or a punch to the gut in a fight, but pain is more than just physical. Pain can be an emotional and mental thing as well. In particular, I want to draw special attention to emotional pain. For years, we have heard the sayings when this topic has been brought up of "It's going to be ok." or "You'll get over it." There is something completely wrong with saying these things to someone dealing with emotional pain.
Now, I'm not trying to point fingers or call out anyone. I'm simply wanting to talk about this topic from a relatable perspective. My own perspective. I've been struggling with emotional pain for years due to several events that have occurred in my life. I will not divulge these events because they are very personal matters, but I would like to talk about the effects they had on my well-being.
First, I have become very self-conscious of my appearance because I was once called ugly and humiliated by people who I trusted. I will look in the mirror sometimes and pick apart every little thing that is wrong with me. I will stare at my reflection until I can't stand the idea of even looking at myself. Then, I go on to criticize the way I am. The way I act, think, talk and so much more. I try to validate why I even exist or what my purpose is, yet I find no real reason. These are just a few of the struggles I face every day as I wake up.
Every day, I deal with the idea of whether or not I am good enough. The thought of whether I'm going to be a continuous disappointment to those around me. I struggle with getting up every day and finding hope that I will be more than I thought I could be. Yet, there is always the doubt in the back of my mind that I will screw something up. The doubt that if I make one wrong move, then everyone is going to hate me. I'm constantly going back and forth on this endless seesaw with no visible way out.
Constantly, I'm having to hold back the pain of not feeling good enough behind a smile that everyone sees. However, I'm slowly falling further and further into this dark abyss. It's filled with nothing, but silence and emptiness. Something I'm scared to constantly feel. My mind is like a tornado that whirls with self-hatred and dislike for every little thing I am. A tornado I can never escape from because it is a silent storm inside my own mind.
I struggle with severe anxiety to where some moments are so bad I will have a panic attack. I am unable to think or feel as my heart speeds up and my breathing becomes rapid. I feel like I'm drowning in nothingness until I'm numb to my core. These moments where I feel nothing scare me the most because they make me feel like I'm nothing, but an empty void of space.
I will admit I have good moments in my life and am so grateful for them. These moments allow me to escape from the constant blur of emotional pain and anxiety I have to deal with. Moments where I can actually form a real smile on my face and not the fake mask many see. I feel free and alive in these moments whether that's writing down all my thoughts or simply talking with the people I love. Speaking of which, these people in my life are blessings in disguise. They give me the strength to carry on each day and actually breathe. Even when I don't want to.
You never know what someone's personal struggles can be nor the hidden battles they fight every day and night. I wanted to share some of my personal struggles to show how real this topic of emotional pain is. I struggle every day to wake up and get out of bed.
I sometimes want to just disappear, but I push forward with the help of the people who love me in my life. If you ever need to talk or simply want to not be alone, reach out and talk to someone. Without any of these people in my life, I know I would not be here.