To My Roommate

To My Roommate

I owe you my life and then some.
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One of the scariest parts about coming to college (at least for me) was the thought of sharing my bedroom with another person. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with family and friends, however the fact that I would not have a safe haven to escape to that I could call only mine sounded less than inviting. Little did I know how different the reality would be.

Coming to college is an experience unlike any other, and despite all my dread, I truly cannot imagine surviving this year without my roommate by my side. Through all the ups and downs, highs and lows, good and bad, a roommate is there to listen to you vent about (whether she wants to or not) and experience it all with you.

So, to my roommate: there are a laundry list of things you deserve to be thanked for, and if I tried to name them all I would likely be typing this until we return in August (well that is an idea of some possible way to occupy myself for the next four months). However, as we embark on our last week in this 4x4 room and I am searching for any possible means of procrastination, I will attempt to tackle a few of the things I owe you thanks for.

Thank you for turning a blind eye to the non-stop flow of tears the first week of school. We were just getting to know each other, and still embarrassed to own up to the fact that college felt a little bit like what I would imagine hell feels like (chest pains, overwhelmingly high temperatures, non-stop sweat [courtesy of Syracuse University’s lack of fans ANYWHERE], and isolation). But thank you for acting like you didn’t know I was crying and not judging me for it.

Thank you for accompanying me to the dining hall when we could barely even find it, and not judging when all I could bring myself to eat was cereal, but never skipping out on the warm dining hall cookies.

Thank you for sitting in the library with me, and giving me a distraction from work that was full of too many laughs to even feel guilty about the procrastination. Thank you for not kicking me out after the thousand-and-tenth time I recited the first amendment and not judging when I spent the hours I should have been studying singing Hamilton and crying over Derek Shepherd’s death for the 100th time.

Thank you for encouraging me to go out, even when I didn't want to. In the moment I probably yelled at you, but in the end the memories are irreplaceable. These are the best days of our lives, and they are numbered: thank you for helping me embrace them.

Thank you for not judging when I chose to stay in, but rather joining me. The pajama sets, popcorn, and Netflix marathons are just what I needed on those cold and snowy nights in the middle of the winter when the thought of moving from under the covers sounded about as appealing as calculus (that is: entirely unappealing).

Thank you for crafting all my texts, listening to me reread them 20 times, then forcing me to send them despite extreme protest. I literally do not know how you put up with this for an entire year because I even annoy myself, so to this I simply thank you for your patience and lack of murderous tendencies.

Thank you for not kicking me out after I have so much laundry the closet door can't close and then again not kicking me out when the drying rack completely overtakes the room and then again when not kicking me out when I run out of tide pods and have to borrow yours.

Thank you for talking me out of buying a room in a hotel when the walk home at night was too long and cold, and talking me out of eating two calzones at 2 in the morning, and talking me out of texting him back, and talking me out of wearing that outfit, and applying my make-up for every important event ever I need to attend, and all the trillers, and for endless photoshoots, and listening (or at least pretending to) when I tell you all about how "unfair my teachers are" and "annoying this class is."

Thank you for being my friend, mother, doctor, teacher, psychologist, sister, and best friend. Thank you for making our cubicle of a room feel like home. Thank you for making the thought of coming home for the summer to a room in which I need to inhabit alone feel so sad. Thank you for making saying goodbye for the summer so hard.

I miss you already.

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To The Boy Who Will Love Me Next

If you can't understand these few things, leave before things get too involved
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To the boy that will love me next, I need you to know and understand things about me and my past. The things I have been though not only have shaped the person I’ve become, but also sometimes controls my life. In the past I’ve been used, abused, and taken for granted, and I want something real this time. The guys before you were just boys; they didn’t know how to treat me until it was too late. They didn’t understand how to love me, until I broke my own heart. Before you truly decide to love me I want you to understand these things.

When I tell you something, please listen.

I’m my own person, I want to be loved a certain way. If I ask you to come over and watch movies with me please do it, if I ask for you to leave me alone for a few hours because it’s a girl’s night please do it. I don’t just say things to hear my own voice, I say things to you because it’s important to my life and the way I want to be loved. I’m not a needy person when it comes to being loved and cared for, but I do ask for you to do the small things that I am say.

Forgive my past.

My past is not a pretty brick road, it is a highway that has a bunch of potholes and cracks in it. I have a lot of baggage, and most of it you won’t understand. But don’t let my past decided whether you want to love me or not. My past has helped form who I am today, but it does not define who I am. My past experiences might try and make an appearance every once in a while, but I will not go back to that person I once was, I will not return to all that hurt I once went though. When I say those things, I’m telling the complete and honest truth. I relive my past every day, somethings haunt me and somethings are good reminds. But for you to love me, I need you to accept my past, present and future.

I’m just another bro to the other guys.

I have always hung out with boys, I don’t fit in with the girl groups. I have 10 close girlfriends, but the majority of my friends are guy, but don’t let this scare you. If I wanted to be with one of my guy friends I would already be with him, and if you haven’t noticed I don’t want them because I’m with you. I will not lose my friendships with all my guy friends to be able to stay with you. I will not cut off ties because you don’t like my guy friends. I have lost too many buddies because of my ex-boyfriends and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again. If you don’t like how many guy friends I have you can leave now. Don’t bother trying to date me if you can accept the fact I’m just another bro.

I might be a badass, but I actually have a big heart.

To a lot of people I come off to be a very crazy and wild girl. I will agree I can be crazy and wild, but I’m more than that. I’m independent, caring, responsible, understanding, forgiving, and so such more type of woman. Many people think that I’m a badass because I don’t take any negatively from anyone. Just like we learned when we were younger, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Most people can’t do that in today’s world, so I stick up for myself and my friends. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, or their option on how I live my life. The only thing I care about is being able to make myself happy. Even though I’m an independent woman, understand that I do have a big heart. Honesty when I truly care for someone I will do just about anything they ask, but don’t take advantage of this. Once you take advantage of this part of me, all respect will be lost for you.

I’m hard to love.

Sometimes I want to be cuddle and get attention, and sometimes I don’t want you to talk to me for a couple hours. Sometimes I want you to take me out for a nice meal, but sometimes I want a home cooked meal. Every day is different for me, sometimes I change my mind every hour. My mood swings are terrible on certain days, and on those days you should probably just ignore me. I’m not easy to love, so you’ll either be willing to find a way to love me, or you’ll walk out like so many others have.

I’m scared.

I’m scared to love someone again. I’ve been hurt, heartbroken, and beat to the ground in my past relationships. I want to believe you are different, I want to hope things will truly work out, but every relationship has always ended up the same way. I’m scared to trust someone, put my whole heart into them, just to be left and heartbroken again. I sick and tired of putting my whole body and soul into someone for them to just leave when it is convenient for them. If you want to love me, understand it won’t be easy for me to love you back.

When “I’m done.”

When I say “I’m done” I honestly don’t mean that I’m done. When I say that it means I need and want you to fight for me, show me why you want to be with me. I need you to prove that I’m worth it and there’s no one else but me. If I was truly done, I would just walk away, and not come back. So if I ever tell you, “I’m done,” tell me all the reasons why I’m truly not done.

For the boy who will love me next, the work is cut out for you, you just have to be willing to do it. I’m not like other girls, I am my own person, and I will need to be treated as such. For the boy that will love me next, don’t bother with me unless you really want to be with me. I don’t have time to waste on you if you aren’t going to try and make something out of us. To the boy who will love me next, the last thing I would like to say is good luck, I have faith in you.

Cover Image Credit: Danielle Balint

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Here's To You, Sophomore Year, And The Memories And Friends You Brought Me

All I can say now is "thank u, next."

Andi Cox
Andi Cox
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Sophomore year is finally over and I am not sure how I feel about it. We are over the hill of some of the best years of our lives, am I the only one who is kind of afraid by that? We are done building the foundation for the rest of our college years. Those boring prerequisite classes are finally out of our way and we get to anticipate the real classes for our major.

The best part of sophomore year is saying hello to new friends and staying faithful to the true ones. We found new places to hang because the frat parties are now overrated. We wish for the days that we finally get to hit "the Ville" but realize we still have some time.

We had some good times and some crazy, but sophomore year taught me a lot about life than I could have expected. I take in the small moments because memories of it are all we have now. I learned from the hard ones and became better. I grew this year into a different person it feels like- academically I am better, more focused. Socially, I learned not everyone is going to be in your life forever and knowing the ones that are is comforting.

With junior year approaching, it brings in anticipation of freedom and a taste of adulthood. If you are like me then you are finally done sharing 130 square feet with one, maybe two other people. We get to move into our own houses, that we rented ourselves, with our friends. The feeling of having my own room again is warming, and the thought of being able to make my own food is making me lose weight already.

In reflection, I am happy it happened but I am glad it's over.

Cheers to sophomore year, you weren't all bad.

Andi Cox
Andi Cox

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