It was in high school, and I thought I met that friend that would stick by me forever or even for a very long time. She was charismatic, understanding, empathetic, kind and genuine, or at least that's what I thought she was. We talked about everything and everyone including those girls at school that thought they were "all that," and thought they could run the school and have the influence over all the teachers and students. We talked about boys that were annoying, boys that seemed cool, boys that could have existed in our school, but didn't. We had inside jokes, we had code names for people so that we could talk about them in front of them without them ever finding out. We had a secret meetup stop outside the school right next to our favorite restaurants or snack places, where we can be completely honest with each other without outside eyes nosing into our conversations.

I considered her my first real best friend in that school. I confided in her with my problems, and she was right there with me, most of the time. She offered her advice: sometimes blunt, sometimes understanding, sometimes a mixture of both, but I never doubted her loyalty or her kindness. I had never thought of her other than my closest friend, someone who would never betray me or hurt me. Someone who understood where I came from, and the pain and past experiences I've had went through with old friendships. And she knew this. When we had deep conversations, I would tell her that I cared about her so much, that I wish that we can stay this close even after high school. She would tell me that I was really genuine and honest, but never that I was her best friend. She called me her "close" friend, but she never used the word "best." At times, I would keep asking her why, or whether she had another best friend in the school, but she didn't. She would tell me that I was the only person in the school that she really trusted.

Our friendship lasted for a year, not a full year, but more like a "school year." She had cut me out of her life, without explaining anything or giving me the right amount of closure. This was the first time she fully cut me out. What do I mean by fully? I mean over the period of our friendship, she wanted to take "breaks" from me, as if it was another episode between Ross and Rachel in Friends. I felt like I was in some sort of fake friendship where she wanted to avoid me on certain days, but on other days, she acted as if nothing ever happened. When I would ask her why she would want to take breaks from me, she would keep telling me that she was "tired." But what was she tired of? Of me? Why would someone who considered me her "close" friend get tired of me? Especially if I was the only person she trusted? Those words kept ringing in my brain, and I never fully understood her. She would leave me in tears or extreme sadness in school when she would ignore me and hang out with other people, but when she finally asked me to hang out with her, I didn't confront her about it. I was just happy she came back to me, that maybe just maybe, she'll just stay for once.

But she didn't.

She kept on leaving. She kept on dodging me. Until one day I exploded. I asked her to meet me at our "secret spot." And when she arrived, I confronted her about the days in which she ignored me. And she finally gave me an answer. But it wasn't the answer I wanted. It wasn't "oh I wasn't trying to ignore you, I'm sorry that it seemed that way," or something like that. It was "I wanted a break from you. I want to help you obtain your own independence." In my head, I was like what the fuck did that mean? I immediately started thinking about all the times we hung out, and all the time she laughed and joked around with me. The late-night calls where we talked for hours. The hangouts, the secrets... everything. Did that mean nothing to her?

I remembered staring at her, trying not to cry, trying not to start yelling at her. I remembered sitting in silence, and just nodding, pretending to understand. I remembered saying the words "I get that," as she smiled. I remembered her telling me that she wasn't taking a permanent break, that it was just going to be a temporary thing.

Flash forward to the day when she decided to cut me out of her life, I remembered feeling disposable. I remembered feeling like a used up toy, rusty and broken, waiting for her to cradle me again. When she began the process of fully cutting me out, I remembered begging, I remembered me apologizing to her so many times, I remembered me spamming her with calls and texts until my number was blocked. Until I had no way of communicating with her. But what really hurt was that I still saw her in school. But this time, instead of us walking side by side, she was in front of me, running to a destination that I can never catch her on. Because she didn't want me to go after her. Not this time.

She was the first person that I cared about, whom I prioritized, and when she left, she broke a piece of me that could never be healed. She broke my trust, and she left me alone when I told her that was my biggest fear. She did what I told her that hurt me the most, and I can never forgive her for that. This friendship may be in the back of my mind because so many years had passed, but I will remember her. Not because I miss her, but because she taught me a lesson.

There were so many red flags, but I chose to ignore them because I really cared about her.

Too bad she had to cut me out.

I would have been there for her as long as she needed me.