I don’t know why I feel the way I do about you. It’s like toxic twisted rush coursing through me. No matter what I do, I can never get you out of my mind. Your sleek dark black hair that cascades down in waves down to your hips, your emerald eyes that brightened up whenever I managed to make you laugh. That one dimple on your right cheek that you hate, but I think is precious. Your thin face shape that looks like it was sketched by the world's most prestigious artists and your nose that I loved to place kisses upon. Your lips…They fit perfectly on top of mine like they were made just for me. I didn’t just fall in love with your beauty but I fell deep for who you really are. Not only are you beautiful on the outside, but on the inside. You are one of the most benevolent souls I have ever met in my short time on this earth. You never judged me by my scars or my past but accepted me for who I am now, not judging me for who I once was. You always told me you would be there for me when I needed you, and you always were. I always thanked God for you every night because you were nothing but a blessing. That’s why I always called you angel- you were my personal god send. I didn’t deserve you, I told you to leave, and I told you I would destroy you from the inside out, but you stayed anyway. Now I have to live with the guilt that I was the reason that you’re not here with me. You are the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I’m struggling desperately to forget you. To rid my mind that you never existed. That you were nothing but the figment of my imagination, but you and I know that isn’t true. Now, in my desperate struggle to forget you, here I am trapped by myself in a cold dark basement of the house I used to share with you. The same place where I used to wake up next to you, the same place where I smelt the scent lavender from your silky locks as we rose in the mornings together. Instead of being surrounded by you, I am surrounded by wisps of smoke so thick I can barley see my hands in front of me. I slowly fill my lungs, and my mind starts taking a joyride to anywhere that isn’t here, to forget the impossible knife of a memory that is you.
It is not working though. The ride can only get so high before it comes crashing down. My body is getting used to the smoke I constantly inhale. The memories are slowing filling my head, drowning me. I stumble up the stairs and into the room across the hall. I collapse in front of my bedside table. Trembling I reach for the drawer and open it grabbing the cold hard monster that slept there. I load it's mouth with one single silver pellet. I lift it to my forehead, I’m sweating and trembling. I want to see you...so badly that it hurts. To touch you, and love you, like I used to, but I won’t be able to. While you, my angel, are in paradise, I will be burning in the depths of hell. I deserve it anyway, I am the reason why you are gone. I apply pressure to where my index finger rests.
Then I am gone.