I used to think I was an open book. My friends knew everything about me and I wouldn't hesitate to reply to questions directed at me. I thought my actions and expressions revealed enough about who I was and it wasn't until this year that I discovered that my friends knew a lot about me, but they didn't know the deep-down-to-the-heart things. Those I reserved for my mom and maybe one other friend.
It's very hard for me to be emotionally open with people. It has taken me three years just to fully open up to the friends I have made in college. I am that surface-level girl who loves to talk about 'you,' but when it comes to questions pointed at her, she freezes up and mutters a one-word response.
"Why do you want to be a writer?"
"What do you want to do after you graduate?"
"What is your deepest fear?"
"How are you doing?"
"Are you alright?"
Questions like those make me uncomfortable and I will usually spout off whatever sounds good in my head and change the subject quickly. I don't like talking about myself or getting vulnerable. It's scary and freaks me out and makes me awkward. Which is kind of the point of dating and getting to know people. It's almost a requirement to be open and honest and yourself. How else are you going to meet your future spouse or best friends?
I'm a better listener than I am a speaker. If you have a problem and need to talk about it, I am your girl. I will listen, listen, and listen and won't speak unless you want me to. Which is great, I love to listen, but it's unhealthy to keep everything bottled up inside, waiting to burst. I keep it pushed down though because I'm afraid of people's reactions when I do burst at the seams and need to speak. I'm afraid to lay out my heart and ask someone to take care of it.
Maybe it's the control freak in me, but it's often hard for me to hand the reigns over to someone else. In fact, it scares me to death. Maybe it's due to my personality, friends who broke my trust, or maybe I was just born to be a reserved person. It takes time for me to open up, and that's okay. I will work as hard as I can on being more vulnerable and I will know they are the right person when they deal with that wild ride with me.
Some people struggle with this more than others, and that's okay. We will just take it step-by-step, and word-by-word.