Dear Melania Trump,

I am a poor boy from a poor family in Illinois. It has become remarkably clear that I have developed an affection for you. Look, I know you are married to a billionaire and potentially the most powerful person in the United States. However, I think you would agree with me that money can't buy you everything you need to be happy in love. I am here to offer you an alternative.

I would always let you get a word in. I do love to talk, but I'd love to hear what you had to say. I would never cut you off mid-conversation to get my own point across. I'd listen to your thoughts and discuss them with you. I really do believe you have a lot of interesting stuff to say, and I would never dream of letting you bottle all that up.

I am also not a racist. I know that is an odd thing to bring up when discussing love. However, in this rare situation I feel as if it is worth bringing up. I don't claim that an entire race of people are rapists and murderers. It's 2016, that line of thinking is so old fashioned that it has cob webs on its cob webs. You won't be embarrassed by what I have to say when the topic of race is brought up.

I also have a hair problem like your current husband. The difference is I don't try to hide my insecurities, I own up to them like everybody should. Also, you can pat me on the head without fear of taking some of my fake hair with you.

If we have children I would never, and I mean never, think, "If she wasn't my daughter, I'd date her." Once again, this should be common sense. However, we are dealing with some very special set of circumstances. Our children would be beautiful because we are beautiful.

Speaking of beauty, I know I may have the body shaped like a Diary Queen Ice Cream cone but I feel as if far better looking than your current husband. I look like a human and not a puffy Cheeto. I mean, I like Cheeto's as much as the next person, but Dairy Queen Ice Creams cones are clearly better.

Basically, we would be great together. You are one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever laid my eyes on. We may have never met, but I know you have dreamt of having a better relationship partner. I feel as if I am the answer to all your dreams. You could cuddle up next to me as we watch John Cena matches. You could be the Lana to my Rusev (If you get that reference already we can just skip the proposal and head straight to the wedding). I would treat you with respect, care and love. You may have stolen Michelle Obama's speech, but you also stole my heart.

Let's make love great again,

Justin Gordon.

P.S. My dick has to be way bigger than Donald's, right?