Open Letter To My First Love

Open Letter To My First Love

You taught me how toxic I can be, without knowing it.

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views

The last day of 7th grade was the day I remember talking to you and liking you. We were playing basketball at the gym of the Boys & Girls Club.

Later that day, you slid into my Facebook messenger DMs. We talked about our summer plans, and per usual I was going to Colombia, so it would be a while before I saw you again.

Fast forward a year later, you walked into gym class as the new student. I never thought you would circle back into my life, let alone to Gulfview. You hit puberty and grew 5 feet. My heart was beating so fast, I thought I was going to pass out. My whole body got warm and idk if that's what liking someone feels like, but I was freaking out.

You were the hot new kid, so everyone was all over you. Like I usually do when something or someone is popular, I try to ignore it until everyone's obsession has faded.

Then high school happened. Freshmen year was great. I would come over and watch you play "Grand Theft Auto."

End of my freshmen year you started getting in trouble. You stopped playing sports and replaced it with bad habits. While this was happening I had no idea of other girls. I was so naïve in thinking that since I wasn't doing anything sketch, you weren't either.

Then when we started going to the same high school, and shit really hit the fan. We would argue all the time. We never saw each other, you were always "busy." That time was a blur, I just remember crying myself to sleep just to wake up at 4:30 a.m. to do my hair and makeup, just to get your attention. I walked into school feeling numb.

Then Christmas happened, and you got into a fight, and I came running to you, making sure you were okay. You were still bleeding when I saw you. I tried so hard to hold you, but I knew we were going down different paths. At that moment I wanted you to see all the greatness I saw in you. I wanted to tell you that everything was going to be okay, even though it wasn't.

Not sure when we started talking again, or how it happened. Puberty at it's finest. I could not stop thinking about you. All I did was think about you. All I wanted to do was spend time with you. You consumed my every thought. You were a lot of my first. The first time a guy made me food. First time dancing to "Lost" by Chance the Rapper. First time going to school together, as you sat on the passenger seat while Gary drove, and you would put your hand behind the seat signaling me to hold it. The first guy my mom met. First 4th of July. First heartbreak.

Fast forward to my freshmen year at college - the first time I made an effort to get over you.

I knew it was over because I would fly back to Naples, and I didn't put effort to see you. Last time I saw you in Naples, you were wearing your salmon cargo pants, dark brown Sperry's, and you cried to me.

You finally opened up.

I've given you so much of me, and you finally were giving me some of you...

And.

I.

Felt.

Nothing.

To be fair, you did put me through a lot of shit. You ruined many 'friendships'. You made me think that love was supposed to feel this toxic. You f*cked me up mentally. I thought guys were supposed to treat me like this. There was a moment I thought cheating was acceptable. I took so much of your mental games, and genuinely thought it was okay.

I still can't explain that moment or the moments that followed. I guess part of you broke me. It's not something crazy like what novels describe, it's more like nothingness.

You looked so good when I saw you in NYC, I love your sleeve. Just when I started to warm up to you, I had to go catch my flight. I cried so hard that night because I missed you. You're one of the few people that actually sees through my bullshit.

You're such a big part of who I was, and how much I've changed. A reminder of how vulnerable I can be when I care about someone. We brought out each other's best and worse qualities. At the end of the day, I'm thankful it happened the way it did.

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To My Boyfriend's Mom

He loves you more than you could ever imagine...
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Without you, there would not be a him, so first things first, thank you.

1. Thank you for teaching him to love a woman the right way, to put God first, and YOU before me always, the respect he shows you is so attractive, and you deserve it.

He talks about you like you hung the moon, I don't doubt for a second that he will be an amazing father one day, I owe all of that to you.

2. Thank you for giving me a chance, learning to love me when you knew your son was doing the same.

I can't speak for my own first impressions, but hopefully mine was not THAT bad...when we both slapped him on the arms for his rude remark at the same time, I knew our relationship was already blossoming.

SEE ALSO: Finding A Husband In College

3. Thank you for every meal you have ever purchased me.

And chocolate, and candy...you know just as well as your son does that food is the way to my heart. Especially Taco Bell and cheesecake ;)

4. Thank you for your advice, suggestions, and opinions...and asking for mine

Whether it's telling me to slap him for being a smart a$$, or you're asking me about color swabs for your kitchen makeover, you come to me as if I am your own, and I am so honored to give you my own input.

5. Thank you for including me

You never fail to leave a spot for me, and I love family dinners/outings with you guys just as much as I love my own!

6. Thank you for teaching your son to never give up, and that if he does it is only to better himself, or it's the only choice he has left.

He is so focused on his future, he wants the best for himself, and he is constantly reminding me that these are things that YOU taught him, you deserve to be so proud.

7. Thank you for letting him love my family, and allowing me to love yours.

He is so loyal and loving to my family, and I don't even have to ask myself why because I see him with you and yours. Thank you for letting us double up on holidays when we can, and making sure we get the most out of our time with you!

8. Thank you for being his best friend.

I think of him as mine too, but I couldn't think of a better person to also hold that title, you know him better than anyone else and you always will.

9. Thank you for teaching him how to treat a woman

He is constantly telling me "You sound like my mother." Thankfully earlier in our relationship, he told me that the woman he wants to be with, should do just that. He always tells people who try, "No, no one calls me by my full name except my mom and my girlfriend."

10. Thank you for your honesty

We all know that he and I can drive you crazy sometimes, thank you for telling us like it is, and making sure we know you still love us anyways.

SEE ALSO: 8 Tiny Lies Every Young Woman Has Told Their Best Friend

11. Thank you for teaching him to work as hard as possible in anything and everything he does.

I have never met anyone with such a desire for success, he and I are constantly discussing how we can better our futures, and I know exactly where his drive comes from.

12. Thank you for teaching him to clean up after himself

Even though sometimes, it takes him a minute to do so.

13. Thank you for teaching him how to love, and letting him love me.

I have never felt so loved by a man, probably because anyone else who came into my life was just a boy. Thank you for your unconditional love for him, he is your entire heart and that is so easy to see, I am happy to share his with you.

You and I both know that even years from now we will both occasionally probably be closing the fridge that he left open, cleaning the crumbs he dropped, demanding he take a shower after playing soccer, or reminding him 20 times about plans we made weeks ago, we both share such a great love for such an amazing man. I could never be more thankful that you brought forth into this world such a comforting, supportive, protective, steadfast, driven, handsome, and hilarious guy. Thank you for everything you do for him, for me, and for us, I love you a lot!

Cover Image Credit: casey

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To The Guy Who Told Me Not To Be Me, Nice Try

He will not silence me.

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views

He told me to never cut my hair short because it would make me look too masculine.

So, I sent him pictures of three different pixie cuts and asked him which one I should get.


He told me not to wear red lipstick because it made me look like a slut.

So, I bought every shade from blush rose to maroon.


He told me not to buy heels taller than one and a half inches tall because it's unattractive for a girl to be taller then the guy she is with.

My favorite shop was having a sell on a beautiful pair of three-inch stilettos. I bought them.


He told me that I was putting on a few extra pounds and that I shouldn't order dessert on our next dinner date.

Did he honestly think I would say no to the red velvet cake that our waitress offered?


He flirted with the waitress, saying that I should "look more like her."

I wrote down his number on our receipt before we left the restaurant.


He told me not to leave my "feminine products" on the counter because it's embarrassing.

When his friends came over for guys night, I organized my tampons and pads nicely on the bathroom shelf.


He told me that I couldn't talk to my best friend of 12 years because he was a guy.

I invited him to watch a movie with us at the local cinema the following week.


He told me not to order wine at the bar with him and his work friends because he didn't want me to seem "trashy."

I ordered jack and coke instead.


He told me not to be a feminist because it meant that I thought I was better than him.

My new "GIRL PWR" shirt is my favorite.


He told me to be silent.

He told me that I think too much and that I speak what I think too often.

He told me nobody cares about what I have to say.

He told me that the things I say don't matter.


So, I wrote a poem about him.

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