When we first talked, there was this voice in my head that whispered: "You're going to marry this man, whoever he is." I called myself crazy--it was something I did; I always doubted my own intuition. I hadn't even seen your face, how could I be certain you were who you said you were? As time went on, I knew I was in deep. Falling in love was something I never wanted to deal with. It was messy and it hurt--why would I allow myself to go through that sort of thing? In the end I had no choice--the heart wants what the heart wants, and as horrible as it was, all my heart wanted was you.
You said all the things any girl would want to hear. While that is probably both a red flag and a good thing to some extent, it terrified me. Anything good I've ever had never lasted. My anxiety told me we wouldn't last, even though I loved you more than I loved myself at that point. I knew what I wanted, and I wanted you.
However, there were one too many things that held us back. Our fundamental beliefs and core values were far too different for us to be able to work, even though we tried to make it work. In the end, though, I was the one doing all the work. I was putting in 500% for both of us. I made sure you did your half, and I made sure I did mine, and took care of myself and my family--speaking of family, I never met yours. You knew mine, and you left me as I was facing the possibility of losing my family. You were my family. Now I know that I did love you, and maybe you felt something you thought was love for me at some point--but you didn't.
So thank you for cheating. Thank you for lying about it, and lying to me. Thank you for making me question and bury my spirituality and my own relationship with God, Jesus and the world. Thank you for when my world was falling apart--partially because of you--you moved to Austin without telling me, and I woke up after a text-storm argument with you not giving me one reason to stay.
That is the only good thing you did. That is the only human thing you did. You said to me, "I don't want to hold you back, and I am." I was angry. Mostly because I allowed it and I didn't care about putting myself on the back burner if it was for the greater good. Hell--if we had been put in a room with a gun man, and he asked me: "Him, or you?" I'd to this day still tell them to shoot me. You don't deserve it--you never have--but that's how much I love you. That's how much I wanted you to be happy.
So thank you for breaking my heart, my trust, and for setting me free.
Also, the writing is going well.
I'm Editor in Chief now.
I have plenty of questions to ask, but for the same reason I never once responded to your messages since you broke things off I won't ask them here.
I am not wasting a single breath, thought, or word on you. Not anymore, and not ever.
I hope and pray the next girl you find is more to your liking. I hope she is all you could have ever wanted. And for the love of God, I hope you aren't lying to yourself, or to her, when you say those things.
Much love,
VAF.