To my Eating Disorder:

You and I met by accident. I never intended to get so close to you, but somehow I let you into my life deeper than I thought I ever would. You told me you could help me lose a few pounds, and I believed you. I was in a desperate state of mind, and I thought that we could work together to turn me into the person I wanted to be. I truly thought that happiness would come to me the lighter I was. What I wish I had realized sooner is that you and I were not teammates.

You were looking to take complete control of my mind and body, and I was just a victim to your ruthless and manipulative ways. I avoided calories like the plague, and this caused me to lose friends. But according to you, this was okay because the less I went out with my friends, the less likely I was to eat, so I was closer to my goal. My friends didn’t understand this, and ended up giving up on me. I thought that I was the one in control still. I felt stronger and stronger with every pound I dropped, when in reality, I was getting weaker and weaker.

A common misconception with eating disorders is that if you just “start eating again” or “stop throwing up,” you are cured. This is not the case. You had me wrapped around your finger, and as much as I wanted to stop restricting calories, and spending all of my money on binge food, only to purge it up and hour later, I couldn’t stop. I woke up every morning promising myself that I would never give into you again. But you were my drug, and being empty was my high. I couldn’t picture my life without you at one point, and I just accepted the fact that I would have to live my life with you as a part of it forever.

I was lucky enough my freshman year of college to meet an incredible group of girls who found out about you, and urged me to reach out and get the help I need to start the process of recovery. It broke my heart to see some of my best friends crying, telling me how afraid they were to lose me. That was the moment where I realized I needed to let you out of my life. I started the process of recovery, and with the support of my friends and family, I allowed myself to heal. After years of abuse that my eating disorder put me through, I finally stopped letting the scale control my life. Because it was never worth it, and recovery is the most incredible thing I have ever allowed myself to feel.

So to you, my eating disorder, please don’t ever come back. I still think about you sometimes, but my life is fantastic without you. I am doing so well on my own, and I don’t know why I ever thought I needed you. I am beautiful in my own skin, and I always have been. I now realize that the number on the scale does not determine my self-worth, and it is such a liberating feeling. To anyone out there who is struggling with an eating disorder: recovery is possible, and recovery is amazing. You got this!

Signed,

Me.