Earlier this week, I had written an article on the tragic suicide of 12-year old Katelyn Nichole Davis. The story has been unfolding for the past two weeks and I thought by writing the article I could hopefully do Katelyn justice. Even though the article has gone live, more and more evidence has surfaced about Katelyn's personal life, some of which I was unable to include in the article. I hope that what I've written was enough to contribute to the justice that must come to Katelyn. I touched slightly on my experience with suicidal thoughts but I don't think it was enough. So this is my open letter to anyone who has or is struggling with suicidal thoughts.
I know exactly where you come from. I knew the dark places Katelyn was in as well.
I was thirteen years old when I came close to making the same decision. I was bullied relentlessly by half my grade and the grade below me. Every time I walked in the halls I could hear other students shouting names at me. I remember hiding out in the restrooms during certain parts of the day. I remember I had to stay after each class and wait for the halls to clear just to go to the next one, and I couldn't even take the bus to school anymore. In ninth grade after being sexually assaulted by a girl who was dating one of the bullies, who never got in trouble because apparently, I provoked it by calling her a "slut." Keyword: apparently.
I just wanted them to stop. I just wanted them to leave me alone. Nobody should have to wake up in the morning knowing I'm going to go through another day in hell by these students. I was also a wimp, I couldn't throw a punch to save my life!! I still can't hurt a fly. I was receiving messages that the world was better off without me from multiple people, and they even said I can try to ignore them but it would never stop! I never wanted to die so much in my life.
But i couldn't do it... maybe I was stubborn, maybe I was prideful, but I couldn't make that decision to kill myself. Maybe it was my faith, maybe it was that it would destroy my parents, my brother, my sister, and my one best friend at the time, who stuck by me and recieved torment for just knowing me, or maybe I just didn't want to die for their satisfaction. But I didn't...
I had this idea, that by killing myself it meant those tormentors beat me. They broke me, pushed me over the edge and won. I doubted they would even feel guilty when I was gone. I didn't want them to win. I think living is the greatest revenge you can give to your tormentors. They say the world is better off without you, then keep it that way for them. Don't make their world better if they make your world suck. I discovered this later on but I want you all to know you have it to....
You are stonger then any superhero could possibly be. Why? Because you are sitting there right now reading this, and you're life is or has been hell too. You probably can't stand those people that pick on you, you probably want it to end every waking moment.... Just like you did yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and the week before that and so on.
Look how far you've come from there!!!!
You woke up today, meaning you survived yesterday, and when you wake up tommorow, you will have survived today!! And you will continue to!
It's not going to be easy, it never is. It sure as hell wasn't easy for me. Count all the days you couldn't bear it anymore,take it one day at a time, and the number only gets higher. The higher the number, the stronger you proove yourself to be. Everyday you didn't kill yourself, is another day you survived. That makes you stronger then you really think, and its so simple! And when you look back on those days, and see how far you've come from there, you will see the true strength you have.
There is nothing worth dying for, but there is everything to live for! So please keep on living!
"I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone, funny if you stay I'll be forgiving, nothing you can say can stop me going home." Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance.