Dear God:
About a year ago, I finally decided to trust You with something big in my life. I'd made too many mistakes and hurt too many people trying to manage this area on my own, so I asked You to take over. You did, and the year that followed was one of the most difficult years of my life. I've experienced breathtaking heartbreak and lost so much that I held dear. My self, as I knew it formerly, has been completely shattered. It is beyond repair.
Thank You.
Thank You for showing me how to die to myself. You have gotten me to the point where I only want You, and I want You influencing everything I do--and I've never been at more peace in my life. I'm still very much in the flames, but I know that I will walk out of this unscathed. There will not even be a singe upon my skin, because Your presence lives within me and takes me through the fire without allowing it to touch me.
For a while, I didn't think trusting You was worth it. Everything was being taken from me, and it hurt so badly. Even the situations You directed me into, against my will, were causing me pain. I was so angry with You--so betrayed and broken. I had stepped out in obedience, and You had burned me. I couldn't find You, so I was convinced that You had abandoned me. As it turns out, I just had my eyes closed.
I was hurting, and I still am. But I've felt You carry me through these deep waters, only letting go for long enough to teach me how to swim. You've been in constant communication with me, encouraging me onward with Your promises and Your great love. These swim lessons are difficult; they cause my muscles to ache and I feel like I'm drowning more than I'm swimming. You know just when to raise me up, though--and in the meantime, I'm growing and learning and becoming stronger, even if it doesn't always feel like it.
I need You, Lord, not just something that resembles You. I want the knowledge of You, not just a religion. I want intimacy and depth; I want to be a woman after Your heart. I don't want a mundane pseudo-Christian life. I want You and all that You encompass, and I want You to direct every step that I take.
I have stumbled for far too long down paths directed by my own selfish ambition and conceit.
I'm tired, Lord. Deeply, painfully tired. I'm asking You to end this trial, but I know that even if Your answer is, "not yet," You will still carry me through it. You'll sustain me. You always do. You will resurrect strength within me, and will mount me up with wings like eagles.
This has been the longest road, and a burden that my shoulders are weary from carrying. I implore You to redeem me, but above all else I beg You to remain intimate with me even after this is over. Never leave me; never withdraw from me. I am weak and selfish, and I know that it is in my nature to withdraw from You. Please, Father, do not allow it. Draw near to me, and do not let me draw away from You.
Burden my heart with a need so great and mighty for You that I cannot face a day without Your presence all throughout it. I want my weakness to be magnified, because Your strengths are so evident in spite of them.
I need You, not just something that resembles You. This has been the anthem by which I take my steps.
Thank You for the hardest year of my life. In it, I have found You--and you are more beautiful and dazzling than I could ever have imagined. Your love is exceeding and abundantly beyond all I could ask or think.
Oh, how I love You. And to think, how I love You cannot even touch how You love me.
You're my best friend, my war buddy, my salvation and my strength. I'm so thankful for You, Jesus. Through it all, my eyes are on You...