An Open Letter To That Girl From High School,
I remember you. I remember how brilliant, but sad you could be. I remember it so clearly, because you were me. I remember the days where you questioned why the Earth was the way it was, and how you kept straining your eyes to find any type of just cause.
You see, I know you did not understand why the world could make you feel so upset. I would be lying if I said you have already gotten over it. Those days were not the ones that defined you, but they did give you strength. You did not toss and turn over useless boys, friends, or pain.
There were some really bad days. I wish you could have realized that part of them were truly related to: "it's just a phase." If you had then, then you wouldn't now, so I'll just keep going on about how you deserve to take a bow.
You were such a bright and aspiring girl, and I understand that life would get you down. It was not fun to feel excluded, self-conscious, or just to wear a frown. You didn't understand why you were even feeling that way. That is why I know that you went through it so clearly- without any notion- and there is simply so much to say.
Anything that you went through that you can now look back upon and see with grace- any moment, memory, or milestone you do not feel the need to utterly shake: they happened for a reason. This purpose? I wish I could say. It seems like it would be easier, if I could, to just fight the travel back and take away those tiresome days.
We know not all of them were tiresome, and this picture does not simply consist of blue paint. The framed artwork you were becoming in those four years was simply just starting to get it's frame. The colors that made you up were only starting to mesh and to mix. Perhaps that is how you were able to feel such the intense lows, but also such high tenses of bliss.
You were beautiful. I wish I could have shown and told you more of that. There was nothing that anyone could have said to your sixteen-year old self that would have understood anything more complex than just "fat". I remember the days of crying and being so mean to the structure that keeps you whole. There is no vain anymore, because I know you had to go through a process of loving yourself and loving the world that only you could take to know.
I can say that now I think you know your worth. The world will shake you, but now you realize that it will always hurt. You have the hugs, the smiles, and all that laughter. There were so many given and received in those 35,050 hours.
That is an estimate of the time it took for you to go through what you knew as high school. I remember you loving it, hating it, wanting to be yourself, wanting to be cool. The thing is that as you were thinking about those things, you also thought about this: you wanted to experience everything, so you always had to plan the life that you could not miss.
A value we now hold so dear to our heart is that you should understand thinking so deeply of time will only tear it farther apart. It will not solidify into your dreams, your wishes, or your hand. It is something that you must seize and take into command. I think a part of you realized that right from the start.
Now I am not saying that time is not a friend, but it surely is not on our side. It is not ours to decide. However, once you went off to college, I know you saw that you can make the most of it count. You also realized how you had created and taken so much love in the time that had just ran out.
The experience of four years in high school was beautiful, and it was sad. You felt emotions that were complex, confusing, and mad. You met people that you now call your family, and those milestones in life that you promised to celebrate together...they have already started happening.
When reading this, do not get mad. Trust me, I remember all of the brilliant and grand moments you had. They are the sweet memories that still dance around in your mind when your focus wavers. They are the moments that touch your soul and mind right before you go to bed.
You found love and you, eventually, found peace. You had people that you held hands with that helped you to understand. Through friends who outshine some of the most beautiful stars, and family who put the photo albums aside, you started to realize who and what you are.
The bittersweetness of not knowing- this is something that your soul and mind will always contain. I know how upset it would make you, not being able to see into the train. If you could not tell where it was going, where it wanted to be: you would not take it because you just did not think that path was right for me.
To you, the astounding soul in which you've started to charter: no path will ever be mapped out, and I promise that in any in which you choose, you will falter. This is life, and it is not meant to be played like a part of those four years- a game. It will always consist of the same confusion, but I promise, the kind heart that beats in your chest, will understand that none of it is tame.
Like I said, I can not go back in time. I don't know if I would even try. There are tears that I wish I could wipe from your face, but I think you needed to feel them in order to understand why. The world is so rare that you do not have time to waste. Living life like every day is the last day is not just a space.
You questioned everything, and now here you are. You're glorious and beautiful and you shouldn't ever have shame in feeling like you're a finally lit up star. This galaxy is so full and vast. There are so many other stars, so many other pieces of this place- you now realize that.
Listen to the sounds of your memories, but also hold the moments you now have close. Do not overbear on any sense of time, because now you know it will have to be let go. Trust yourself and trust your dreams. Just as they were back then, they still are now: a constellation of effervescent gleams.
You are beautiful, you are smart, and you are worth everything and more. Do not ever feel as if you need to shut the door. Do not shut it on your past or your present. Always open it to the brilliant spots that appear effervescent.
Love,
The Young Woman You Grew Into