Growing up with a learning disability, you don't think much about where going to school will take you, the main thing you do is sit in your chair and pray that whatever it is that doesn't work in your brain isn't obvious to everyone around you. As a child who had to go to school every day and spend six hours surrounded by people who nodded along with what the teacher was saying and smiled when they got good grades, quickly I began identifying myself as stupid. The true dictionary definition of the word stupid is “to not be intelligent; having or showing a lack of ability to learn and understand things”. The definition comes across quite literally, as it should, but when I began to describe myself as “stupid”, the word took on a whole other meaning.

Imagine being a child and feeling like that. It is encapsulating and oppressive and once I started silently introducing myself as, “Hi, my name is Mikayla and I’m stupid,” it started taking over my life. Everyone in the class around me was understanding and moving forward daily. They were going home and being rewarded for their wonderful grades and all I had to show for my efforts was a gold star on being polite. Those little papers with bright red stamps on the top corners seemed so important like they were the key to success, but for some reason, mine would have a note saying “see me after class” or “incomplete” and would be followed by looks of pity by my peers and teachers. It wasn’t like I was sick and the doctor could prescribe a cough syrup to make it all go away, I learned entirely differently than the way I was being taught and sadly, it takes years of hard work and dedication to get anywhere close to coping and being okay with that.

The thing is, however, that you can cope and you can be okay with all of the things having a learning disability comes with. I know, because I've grown up with numerous disabilities and I am perfectly fine with it. I will explain how I grew to accept my learning disabilities and how I think they have great potential to shape who someone is for the better, but first I think it important to fully tell my story.

It all started in the third grade. My teacher noticed how my test scores never matched with my ability to comprehend what was being taught. When she would talk to me, I would understand, but the second I was given a piece of paper with questions on it, all that knowledge would disappear for my brain. Now, this wasn't exactly the best situation while growing up, where I was required to pass a standardized test before advancing. My teacher ended up calling my parents and suggesting that I get tested for dyslexia. The testing process was long and, for a child, it felt like forever. In truth, I hated every bit of it. But in the end, it was worth it. It became clear that I had social anxiety, test anxiety, and when under pressure, dyslexia. In simpler terms, if there was paper, a clock, and loads of people, odds were I was going to fail.

The results of that testing were the start of my accommodations (504 plan). For the next seven years, I was separated from my peers for all state testing and allowed extra time for many classroom assignments and tests. Obviously, this took some getting used to and I had to familiarize myself with the annual "Where were you during the test?" questions from my classmates. It's an odd feeling knowing your brain works differently and it will always suck when everyone is nodding along and you're sitting there, incredibly confused. You don't have to have a learning disability to understand that pain. For me and people like me, however, that pain is nearly every day.

In my sophomore year of high school, I went back for more testing. The results revealed that I still had comprehension issues when under pressure, tests triggered anxiety, my social anxiety had gotten worse, and I gained (for a lack of a better word) a math disability. It does get tiring, not going to lie. Growing up with learning disabilities, you have to learn other ways to do your work and get the grades you desire. I read differently than most, for example. This is hard to explain, but take my word for it. In my head, my test booklets look far different from the person's next to me. My brain had to rewire itself, you see, in order to adapt to what I needed to learn in school. It took years, and I am still adapting. I still read billboards wrong while passing them in the car, I still occasionally write my "b"s as "d"s and my "c"s backward (and then don't realize the mistake), and I still freak out when a test is timed. But the key is, I do all of this and continue to read and continue to write.

Adapting is the first thing I learned from having learning disabilities. Next was acceptance. All my life I treated my learning disabilities like a secret or something I should be ashamed of, but now I'll scream it on the top of my lungs. I don't care about it because it is who I am and I know I'm not alone. I have years of sitting in the extra time room with people just like me to prove that. Adapting and accepting will get you far when it comes to school, but perhaps the most important trait you can gain from it all is determination. You have to work harder than most of your classmates to pass a test, but you learn it is always worth it to try. You have to ask more questions and probably become that annoying kid (who asks all the ridiculous questions), but once again, you learn it is always worth it. You learn simply, to keep moving forward even when your brain tells you to back down. You persevere.

Personally, growing up with my learning disabilities better equipped me for my future. I started learning all the ways to cope with an obstacle at an early age. Truthfully, I made it pretty far despite spending most of my childhood feeling stupid and wondering why words on a page didn’t make sense. As a girl who reads slower than most, I have an enormous passion for literature. As a girl who hated words as a kid, I want to be a writer and I'm majoring in English. As a girl who clocks out when being timed (pun intended), I made it to a University. And I'm not about to lie, looking back at all the battles I had to fight and all the times I embarrassed myself and asked the ridiculous questions and where I ended up, I'm pretty proud.

Growing up with learning disabilities, you have to learn how to push yourself and never give up. That's the only way to conquer them, you don't let them win the battle. And you don't let any test or any number of times you have to read a question to comprehend it, stop you. So if you are anything like me and have stared at yourself in the mirror wondering why on Earth you don't understand something the way everyone else does, don't you dare think yourself stupid. Smile, know you are not alone, and that everything you face will be totally worth it in the long run. Keep doing what you're doing and never stop. Don't stop when the people in your class groan because you are taking a long time completing an assignment, don't stop when your teacher suggests you retake a test, and don't stop when your brain is telling you you're dumb. Put on your armor and keep fighting in the battle. You will win in the end. And we can celebrate together.