Today is the the first day of August. My senior year of high school, the last few moments I have at Chamblee High School, begins in less than a week. I'm extremely excited, of course — I finally get to enjoy all the privileges of being a senior. Yet with that excitement comes a growing sense of anxiety and anticipation. Many expectations are set upon me, both at school and at home. I don't know if I'm ready to accept these new responsibilities, but I promise myself that I will do my best.
At this point in my life, nothing and everything is up to chance. It's crazy that in less than a year, I'll know for sure what I'm going to be doing with the next four years of my life — where I'm going to be living, what college I'll be attending, what major I'm going to be studying. Yet right now, I don't even know what classes I'll be taking this semester. I barely know which colleges I'll be applying to. I have only an inkling of what I want to major in, and my overall indecisiveness (a huge part of my personality) is playing a large role in my anxiety and stress for the upcoming school year.
Stress and anxiety. Two simple words that cannot begin to describe the range of emotions I feel going into this year. I'm stressed now because I've barely started on any college essays. I'm stressed now because I have an insane amount of summer homework to do. I'm stressed now because I don't have any time to study for the August SAT subject tests. I'm anxious about my growing responsibilities. I'm anxious about balancing academics, extracurriculars and college applications. I'm anxious about finding the time to write my essays and apply for scholarships and finish financial aid packets.
The what-ifs haunt me as well: what if I don't get into the college I want? What if I don't get into any colleges at all? What if no college offers me enough money? What if I'm forced to take a gap year? What if I can't get all A's? What if everything — my classes, my job, cross-country, family issues, college applications — is too overwhelming? What if I run out of time and can't finish what I need to?
And yet for all my anxieties, for all the what-ifs, for all the stress bottled up in me right now, I know I'll get the answers come May 2020. They may not be the answers I'm looking for, but for what it's worth, there will still be answers.
I only hope that these next ten months will pass quickly, but not so quickly that I can't enjoy every day to the fullest. I want to make lasting memories. I want to focus on the positives. I want to have fun. I want to live my senior year.
We'll see what May 2020 brings.