I think that we are all just floating around in the universe trying to find solid ground and we don’t know where or when we will find it but, we just keep trying. We search for a perfect place that we fit and when we come up empty handed we want to die. We don’t want to live somewhere that feels temporary. I don’t want to live somewhere that feels temporary. It’s a waste of time and energy that could be doing so much more than feeding my self-absorbed ego.

I was 13 when I first remember feeling hopeless and lost and angry. God, I was so angry. My parents were getting a divorce and I felt like my whole world was crumbling. In all this that was happening my sister moved out and left.I felt like everything I had or would ever know was this huge facade. My entire existence had no foundation. I don’t know that I’ve felt like a had a leg to stand on since so, I keep busy. So busy that I’m the girl that always works. The girl you are surprised to see out of her red lobster uniform. Don’t get me wrong I like being busy. I enjoy being someone people think they can rely on. But I don’t always stay busy because I just LOVE to work. I need to work so I don't feel lonely or lost. I’m floating in the universe searching and for a few hours or for six shifts I feel like I have some purpose even if it’s only seating tables at a restaurant.

Purpose. What a funny word. As if we really have some sole purpose or path. I think there is so much more to life than just one sole purpose. Travel. Laugh. Love. Be. Make. Create. Cry. Fail. Of course what you want to do with your life is important but, maybe just maybe you don’t have to know all of that now. Let experience lead you to your path. The world is scary and it doesn’t really give you any hints or tricks to pass go. Life is hard and confusing and the more we try to understand it the less we find out that we know. Stop trying so hard to find the right answer. I don’t know that you’ll ever find one and if you do would it be worth it. Life is guessing game the more we accept it the less heartache we will feel. Stop pushing. Make memories while you can. See a show. Stay up too late. Procrastinate writing a paper like I’m doing right now.

I wish life was easy and that it had clear-cut answers but it doesn’t and it won’t. We will be faced with hard decisions every day until we die. You are probably facing hard decisions now.Whatever you do, do great. You don’t have to be perfect. In fact, you won’t be perfect. Take care of yourself. Making sure you have your life jacket on first is not shameful. Put on your mask because you can not help anyone if you are unable to help yourself. Come to terms with your demons. I know that they haunt you. Name them. Talk about them. Heal them. Heal you.

I am a lost sheep searching through fields and I don't know where I'm going yet. I’m just trying to give myself a foundation to walk on. I’m no longer a child although most days I feel very much like one. Someone I love very much once told me that you are never going to feel like an “adult”- whatever that means. You don’t wake up one day and go “wowza I feel really adulty today”. It’s going be hard. You are going to hurt. You are going to fall down. But with all that I believe you are going to succeed.You are GOING to get back up. You are GOING to fly.

John Steinbeck said in his book, East of Eden, “And now that you don’t have to be perfect you can be good.” I think he is speaking to all of us when he says this. Be good. Do good. Pray for good. Find it if you can. Search for it if you must. Don't be perfect. Perfect won't gain you any points from me. Show your tattered edges. It's okay to be broken and put back together. We all are.