Dear Eating Disorder,

Once again, you are here with me. I should have expected to see you around during the holidays, but I didn’t expect you to make me this mentally exhausted. Now that I am finally home, I thought id have a nice break from all of these mind games, from all the pressure to hit the gym, the pressure to restrict after binging on an entire fridge the night before while studying for finals. Boyyyy was I wrong. Honestly I wish I could just tell you to eff off, but sometimes I find comfort in the voice in my head forcing me to miss out on girl’s night to make sure I make it to the gym, maybe I wont gain any more weight. We hear people talk about the holiday season and almost always is food involved some how. Why do you have to always turn that into something negative? Why are you turning my favorite holiday into a chore? Why are you always relating the reunion with my best friends to putting on weight? You said the same shit when I went on vacation this summer, the same shit when I was eating thanksgiving dinner a few weeks ago. When can you let me make decisions on my own, decisions that do not always revolve around how my body weight will be effected. The unhealthy obsession you have created in my head, its become a habit. Planning days in advance based on exercise and food, comparing my body to girls on Instagram who really seem to have it all. Can I eat this extra slice of cake and not throw it up? Can I drink this bottle of wine if I want to work out tomorrow? Why do I have to take three hours to find an outfit and STILL look bigger than everyone around me? Can I afford to sleep in and miss the gym if I have dinner with the family tomorrow?

You know what, eating disorder? You do not deserve to be asked these questions. I do not deserve to beat myself up over my body. This is My body and I deserve to love it no matter what clothing size I wear or what the next person has to say about the weight I have put on or the choices I make in regards to food. This is MY life, not your life, and I will live it how I should be living it. I should be able to look forward to Christmas without also looking ahead to the hours I have to spend in the gym to burn off everything I really want to eat. I have given you the time of day for years now, and its about time that I celebrate a Christmas and New Years as a single woman who don’t need no eating disorder. I don’t care what you have to say about the third plate of food I have put for myself, cuz guess what, I’m gonna sit as far away from the bathroom as I can and laugh in your face when you beg me to go rid of the meal I just truly enjoyed. I am going to stop telling myself the diet starts next week, because the constant thought of a diet should not be putting stress on me right now, or ever for that matter. Sometimes I see myself in the mirror and you are there, stretching out my thighs after I’ve eaten all that ham or drawing on another chin after I’ve gone holiday shopping and missed the gym, but you know what? I’m going to look in the mirror at myself, not at the body you have distorted in my mind. And I am going to look in the mirror at my body, not the body that I have compared to all the girls posting in their tiny Santa-con dresses. I will no longer blame my being the only single one on the holidays on my body, I will no longer avoid the things I love to do in life because of my body, and I will no longer allow you to make me hate my body. So Good bye Eating Disorder. You are no longer welcome to join us this holiday season. And most importantly, Fuck off.

With love,

Your old friend.