Dear Dad,

2017 will mark 10 years since you’ve died. I can’t believe it. I’ve grown so much. The family has changed so much. Most of the time, life feels normal. Then I remember that you should be here with us, and suddenly my heart breaks all over again.

I just asked my brothers how they felt since this will be the biggest milestone since the first year. Logan says that it obviously had a negative impact on his life, but also made him a stronger person overall. Sully says “whoa.” He’s not really giving me much to work with. We all know that he’s not the best at translating his feelings into words, but I know that it’s going to have an impact on him too. Your death will always have an impact on all of us.

These last ten years have had their rough patches, but I know that there’s so much we haven’t even gotten to yet that you’ll miss. You missed me graduating from high school, and you’ll miss the boys’ graduation too. You missed me moving into a dorm room for the first time. You’ve missed so much already, and there’s still so many years that we have left without you. You’ll never get to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, and you’ll never meet any of your future grandchildren.

Christmas just passed. Holidays aren’t the same. Our birthdays aren’t the same either, for that matter. I know that it’s been long enough that we should be used to it by now, and we are for the most part. It's not that holidays are always going to suck now, we do enjoy them. Still, there’s always going to be someone missing when we open gifts and eat breakfast Christmas morning before all of our family members get here.

Sometimes people tell me, “Your dad would be proud of you,” and it makes me feel awkward. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I don’t believe them? Maybe it’s because I’m jealous that so many people in the world got to know you better than I did. They got to know you enough to say that, at least. I only had ten years. It’s really not fair. Honestly, though, Sully only got four. I should feel lucky.

When you died, our little family shifted into that average, normal four-person family. We were anything but normal, though, especially at first. You changed our lives forever. The three of us were suddenly given a lot more responsibility. We were told to do things like clean the house and do our homework, to make mom happy. We were told this for years until we were old enough to stay by ourselves after school. I knew that my grandparents were just trying to help my mom in the best way they knew how. Still, I always resented the fact that they held that over our heads. It made me feel like my mom’s happiness was more important than ours. I know that it isn’t fair to blame them for making me feel like that. I know that this was new territory for everyone in the family.

It’s been a rough 10 years, but I’ve made it, though. Mom, Logan, and Sully have too. We might be a little bit bruised up, but we made it. We’ll always make it.

Love always,

Your only daughter, Rayna