I want to start off by saying I am not mad anymore. Yeah, of course my heart is still completely broken, but that is not what this letter is about.
This letter is to apologize. It is a chance for me to tell you all the reasons that I am sorry for leading you to choose that I wasn't the one for you. I know you said that you might be the one for me and I think you're right. I do think you're the one for me. And you know what? Deep down, I think that scared the shit out of me. I'm 19. I'm a sophomore in college. This isn't supposed to happen like this. Aren't I supposed to graduate from college after spending 4 years doing crazy things and being a complete nut? Aren't I supposed to be walking on the streets in a city somewhere with my dog and the dog runs away to a man who catches him and we fall madly in love and have four kids and live in the suburbs? With you, that isn't how it played out. With you, it was much simpler and I kick myself for not realizing that sooner.
In my mind, I had always had my life planned out. Planning the future is honestly how I ease some of my anxieties. But you, you were not planned. So, when things got tough and my stubborn emotions got in the way, you were the first person to suffer from it. And there is nothing even remotely fair in that. I've taken the time since you told me I wasn't the one to look back on our relationship to wonder what went wrong. It took almost no time at all for me to realize that there was one thing wrong, and that was me.
I was the one who would blow things out of proportion. I was the one who expected to be saved. I was the one who always let you take the blame. And I was the one who ultimately handed you the decision when you decided I wasn't the one. I realize all of this now and more. In my past relationships, I was always the one who was the better person. You know, the one who gained the sympathy vote when ultimately things ended. I was such a good girl and I was so sweet. Somewhere along the line, you, the perfect guy, my perfect guy, became the better person.
I can recall one time when I told you that you were the better person. You laughed me off but I knew you were. You were so gracious and kind and I regret every second of time when I didn't appreciate it. I wish that I could build a time machine and go back and tell you that it is the little things that kept me happy and it is the little things I cherish. Like the time you went out and bought butternut squash and hand delivered them while I was in a meeting. Or the time when the seafood guy at Hannaford told you that you were pretty lucky, but what he didn't know was that I was the lucky one. Its times like these that I wish I could go back and relive 100,000 times.
I've come to realize that when were in relationships, we tend to look at the big picture instead of enjoying the little moments that make it worthwhile. I will go to my grave regretting how much I didn't take advantage of the little moments. I know you said I wasn't the one and that hurt at first, but I'm sorry for the part I played in that decision and I would do anything to change it. I would do anything to make those new memories with you that we had so desperately wanted. I wish I could bring you golfing or go on a picnic on a nice day. As I sit here in sadness, I find myself only wishing that there was more time to do the things we said we were going to. There will never be enough words that I could say to emphasis this but I'll spend forever thinking of them. I regret the stupid moments like getting mad about stuff one of us couldn't control. I find that they haunt me the most right now. I'm sorry for not proving to you that I could be the one for you sooner, if I could, I would change it all.