An Open Apology To Myself

An Open Apology To Myself

I am sorry for letting people come in and out of your life that have always told you how hard you are to love.
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You have been taught to endure painful situations in order to grow. You have been taught that you need to fall in order to get back up. You have been taught that in order to appreciate the light, you have to undergo darkness. You have been taught that being strong comes with a long life of failure. You have been taught that to be thankful for anything life, you have to lose it all. You have to cry, feel pain, and suffer to appreciate anything or grow in any way. As true as that might be, I am sorry for putting you in situations that you did not deserve.

I am sorry for letting people come in and out of your life that have always told you how hard you are to love. I am sorry for letting people stay around much longer than they deserved. I am sorry for saying sorry to everyone but you. I am sorry for posting on social media about self love but not holding you while you cry at night. I am sorry for treating you in ways that other people treat you. I am sorry for listening to all the mean things anyone has ever said about you. I am sorry for thinking you are not good enough. I am sorry for holding your anxiety against you. I am sorry for using those who cannot love you the way you need to be loved as an example for how I should love you. I am sorry for telling you that everyone around you is much better than you will ever be. I am sorry that no matter how many times I say sorry, I know it will not make up for anything I have put you through.

You were born into a family of loss and heartache, I do not know why I would ever put you through it again and again. Your biggest fear is coming last to those who you put first and that is all you have ever seen, I do not know why I would ever put you through it again and again. You surround yourself with people who care and love for you, I do not know why I let you ignore them. I do not know why I let you choose comfort and hurt over happiness and your own solitude. You love being alone but I let you run back to those who make you feel the loneliest in their company.

How can you question someone who hurts you and tells you they love you at the same time, when I do it to you? What kind of example am I setting for you? No wonder people have been so comfortable walking all over you, I do not set boundaries for them and I am sorry. A fear of yours has always been putting your foot down to people but as soon as they do it to you, I am not there to comfort you and I am sorry. I have always put you on the back burner to your own needs because I made sure that you catered to everyone else’s needs first and I am sorry.

You deserve more than "I'm sorry's" without proof from me or anyone. You deserve and are worthy of the love you have been giving to others for years, and I will not allow you to go another day without knowing that. And I want you to know that I love you unconditionally, right now. You are doing your best and that is your greatest accomplishment. I am so proud of you.

Cover Image Credit: Tim Mossholder

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An Open Letter To My Unexpected Best Friend

You came out of nowhere and changed my life for the better.
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“It's so amazing when someone comes to your life and you expect nothing out of it, but suddenly, there right in front of you is everything you ever need."

-Unknown

Dear Unexpected Best Friend,

You were the person I never thought I would speak to and now you are my very best friend. You came out of nowhere and changed my life for the better. I can't thank you enough for everything you have done to shape me into the person I am today. You've taught me what it means to be selfless, caring, patient, and, more importantly, adventurous.

You don't realize how much better my life has become and all because you came out of nowhere. I didn't see you coming. I just saw you on occasion, and now I can't see my life without you in it. It's funny how life works itself out like that. Our unexpected friendship filled a hole in my life that I didn't know existed.

I don't even remember what life was like before you came along; it most likely had a lot less laughter and spontaneity than it does today. I can call you about anything and you would drop whatever you're doing to help me in any situation. You know when I need encouragement. You know when I am at my best and when I am at my worst. You always know exactly what to say.

SEE ALSO: 8 Tiny Lies Every Young Woman Has Told Their Best Friend

I couldn't have found a better friend than you if I tried. We balance each other out in the best way possible. You are most definitely the yin to my yang, and I don't care how cliché that sounds. Because of you, I've learned to stop caring what people think and to do my own thing regardless of any backlash I might receive. You are my very favorite part of what makes me who I am to this day.

It's as if I wished up a best friend, and poof — you appeared right in front of me. I am so beyond blessed to have you and I wouldn't trade the world for all our memories. Thanks for coming out of nowhere.

Love you forever and a day.

Cover Image Credit: Lauren Medders

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What It Is Really Like Having Sisters Close To Your Age

While having siblings close to your age is pretty amazing, there can be a lot of issues that can come with it.

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I come from a family of 5 people and 1 dog. I have 2 sisters, Grace and Caroline. We are all pretty close in age, Caroline being the youngest and 3 years younger than me.

My sisters and I share a bond like no one else, no one can replicate it. When you have siblings close to your age you have built-in best friends, and since they are around your age you have the same interest, or at least, enough so that you can do things that other siblings cannot. Examples of this would be seeing R-Rated movies and going to the mall without too much complaining, along with being able to shop in the same stores or even share clothes. Grace and I sometimes even split the cost of a shirt we both like.

We even overlap friend groups! Which is not much of a problem for us, Grace and I are both in music programs which overlap enough for us to have the same friends, which is great for when one of us has a sleepover, the other can join in on the fun. Caroline, however, even though she is seen as the sporty one of the 3 of us, she still has a lot of friends who have similar interests as Grace or I, giving us a lot of the same friends. It's nice not to be considered the "cool older sister", I am just like the rest of them.

While we do fight a lot, we make up really quickly, because most issues we have are stupid sibling fights: who gets the T.V., what to have for dinner, what movie to see. But it is always fun because there are 3 of us, which means majority rules, something we tend to go by most of the time depending on the situation.

Having 3 teenagers in the house can be a handful for our parents though, when you have three teenage girls going through puberty at relatively the same time, it can be grueling, especially when you are all on your period at the same time.. (yes, that has happened before) (and yes, it sucks). While I am on the topic, let's say a prayer and a thank you to my dad for dealing with 5 girls (including the dog, obviously) because he does a pretty damn good job at dealing with all of us.

When we were younger, we always had a play date even when one was canceled. We all made up songs and dances and would perform them for our parents. We even had a band called The Halsey Sisters (AKA the female version of The Jonas Brothers) where we had a hit song called "We Got The Heart and Soul". It was a hell of a time. Let's just say the music video for that song is, interesting to say the least.

At the end of the day, I wouldn't switch my sisters for anything in the world, they are my rocks, and I wouldn't want it any other way, Grace, Caroline, keep doing what you're doing, because you're pretty damn awesome.

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