An Open Apology To Myself

An Open Apology To Myself

I am sorry for letting people come in and out of your life that have always told you how hard you are to love.
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You have been taught to endure painful situations in order to grow. You have been taught that you need to fall in order to get back up. You have been taught that in order to appreciate the light, you have to undergo darkness. You have been taught that being strong comes with a long life of failure. You have been taught that to be thankful for anything life, you have to lose it all. You have to cry, feel pain, and suffer to appreciate anything or grow in any way. As true as that might be, I am sorry for putting you in situations that you did not deserve.

I am sorry for letting people come in and out of your life that have always told you how hard you are to love. I am sorry for letting people stay around much longer than they deserved. I am sorry for saying sorry to everyone but you. I am sorry for posting on social media about self love but not holding you while you cry at night. I am sorry for treating you in ways that other people treat you. I am sorry for listening to all the mean things anyone has ever said about you. I am sorry for thinking you are not good enough. I am sorry for holding your anxiety against you. I am sorry for using those who cannot love you the way you need to be loved as an example for how I should love you. I am sorry for telling you that everyone around you is much better than you will ever be. I am sorry that no matter how many times I say sorry, I know it will not make up for anything I have put you through.

You were born into a family of loss and heartache, I do not know why I would ever put you through it again and again. Your biggest fear is coming last to those who you put first and that is all you have ever seen, I do not know why I would ever put you through it again and again. You surround yourself with people who care and love for you, I do not know why I let you ignore them. I do not know why I let you choose comfort and hurt over happiness and your own solitude. You love being alone but I let you run back to those who make you feel the loneliest in their company.

How can you question someone who hurts you and tells you they love you at the same time, when I do it to you? What kind of example am I setting for you? No wonder people have been so comfortable walking all over you, I do not set boundaries for them and I am sorry. A fear of yours has always been putting your foot down to people but as soon as they do it to you, I am not there to comfort you and I am sorry. I have always put you on the back burner to your own needs because I made sure that you catered to everyone else’s needs first and I am sorry.

You deserve more than "I'm sorry's" without proof from me or anyone. You deserve and are worthy of the love you have been giving to others for years, and I will not allow you to go another day without knowing that. And I want you to know that I love you unconditionally, right now. You are doing your best and that is your greatest accomplishment. I am so proud of you.

Cover Image Credit: Tim Mossholder

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3 Reasons Why Step Dads Are Super Dads

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I often hear a lot of people complaining about their step-parents and wondering why they think that they have any authority over them. Although I know that everyone has different situations, I will be the first to admit that I am beyond blessed to have a step dad. Yep, I said it. My life wouldn't be the same that it is not without him in it. Let me tell you why I think step dads are the greatest things since sliced bread.

1. They will do anything for you, literally.

My stepdad has done any and every thing for me. From when I was little until now. He was and still is my go-to. If I was hungry, he would get me food. If something was broken, he would fix it. If I wanted something, he would normally always find a way to get it. He didn't spoil me (just sometimes), but he would make sure that I was always taken care of.

SEE ALSO: The Thank You That Step-Parents Deserve

2. Life lessons.

Yup, the tough one. My stepdad has taught me things that I would have never figured out on my own. He has stood beside me through every mistake. He has been there to pick me up when I am down. My stepdad is like the book of knowledge: crazy hormonal teenage edition. Boy problems? He would probably make me feel better. He just always seemed to know what to say. I think that the most important lesson that I have learned from my stepdad is: to never give up. My stepdad has been through three cycles of leukemia. He is now in remission, yay!! But, I never heard him complain. I never heard him worry and I never saw him feeling sorry for himself. Through you, I found strength.

3. He loved me as his own.

The big one, the one that may seem impossible to some step parents. My stepdad is not actually my stepdad, but rather my dad. I will never have enough words to explain how grateful I am for this man, which is why I am attempting to write this right now. It takes a special kind of human to love another as if they are their own. There had never been times where I didn't think that my dad wouldn't be there for me. It was like I always knew he would be. He introduces me as his daughter, and he is my dad. I wouldn't have it any other way. You were able to show me what family is.

So, dad... thanks. Thanks for being you. Thanks for being awesome. Thanks for being strong. Thanks for loving me. Thanks for loving my mom. Thanks for giving me a wonderful little sister. Thanks for being someone that I can count on. Thanks for being my dad.

I love you!

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I Thought I Was Invincible But Then I Tore My ACL

i had to fall to get back up again

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Track has been my favorite hobby since I was in elementary school. Nothing could compare to the wind rustling through my hair as I ran, the sun shining down on me, the feeling of complete bliss and accomplishment as I crossed the finish line. Every spring, I lay in wait for the elementary track meet where I would prove I was the fastest girl in my grade (there was only two of us, so winning didn't really prove anything). Every race was a chance for me to do better–to become better.

High school rolled around and I was still as committed to track as I was when I was eight. The season was going well and I was on my way to do big things. The only thing on my mind was state; I didn't even think about the possibility of injury. The sprint relay came along, and like always, I passed all the competition with alarming speed and grace. My pride swelled with each distant cheer from my teammates and friends. It was just about time to hand off to my second leg when things went horribly wrong. I ran up on my teammate which caused me to step out of my lane. Panicking, I pulled my leg back into my lane and stopped. I heard a loud POP! and I went down in searing pain. My coach and other teammates ran up to me after the race was finished to help me off the track.

My coach couldn't determine what was wrong with me, so I hobbled over to our setup to rest until my next event. I ran the 800 relay with none of my former grace and ease, but I finished and help qualify my team for the area. That's when my life turned upside down. I went from being a regional qualifier to not being able to run in a matter of minutes, and I didn't know how to contain myself. This sparked months of rage and despair which made it hard for others to be around me.

Eventually, I started to realize that my sports career wasn't the only trait I possessed that made me unique. There were so many extracurriculars I was able to invest my time in when I wasn't able to do sports. It took some time, but I realized that my identity doesn't come from the organizations I'm a part of, but the type of person I am. Through my recovery time, I was able to get to know myself and rediscover some old hobbies, like reading. I was also equipped with the knowledge that good things don't come effortlessly. Instead, I have to fight for the things I desire.

The most important lesson I learned from tearing my ACL was this: I am capable of so much more than I ever imagined. My determination to overcome this set back showed me a type of resilience and persistence I never knew I possessed. I am strong, not because of my physical abilities, rather, my mental capabilities. These are the few lessons I hold in my heart as I finish up this year's track season. Events didn't play out the way I imagined but I'm thankful for every opportunity I've had to do what I love.

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