The Bravest Thing I Have Ever Done Was Continued My Life When I Wanted To Die

The Bravest Thing I Have Ever Done Was Continued My Life When I Wanted To Die

I am a survivor.

I sat in my chair at my desk and stared at the message I just had received from the boy I was seeing. It was a Thursday morning and I was in my 5th period of the day. As I stared at this message, I knew this was it, this was the thing that finally sent me over the edge and in this moment, I got up out of class, drove to my house and attempted to take my life away.

I met a boy about 4 months before this day. He was everything I ever wanted in someone. He had blue eyes, was athletic and had the cutest dimples. As we started to get to know each other, the more and more I kept falling for him. He wanted to see me all the time, took me out to dinner, bought me presents. He was perfect in my eyes. He eventually asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. Everything was great for the first 2 weeks and then one day, I caught him texting multiple girls who he had been flirting with. Of course, I was upset and told him how I felt. He was very apologetic and promised he would never do it again. Everything went downhill from that day forward.

He ended up breaking up with me about a week and a half after the day I caught him talking to those girls. He broke up with me because of his commitments he had in the summer, but he also stated that he still wanted to be romantic interests because he still liked me. I understood and agreed.

As time moved forward, he being to slowly change. He started telling me that I was a whore because I wore leggings or jeans without a belt. He also would call me ugly when I didn't straighten my hair or when I wouldn't dress up. I could only basically wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt but then he would still say that I looked unattractive.

He then added on to the control and manipulation, I was now unable to hang out with my guy friends because they were simply not girls. These guy friends of mine had been friends with me since middle school. When he told me that, he said he could hang out with any girl he pleased, alone or not because he was "single."

I started to be cautious of everything I did. When I would go somewhere I wondered, "will he be mad at me if I go here?" When I'd hang out with any of my friends I would think, "is he going to hate me for hanging out with them?" My whole life was slowly becoming revolved around whatever he wanted me to do.

I ended up getting diagnosed with anxiety and depression thanks to him.

He went out wherever and with whoever when he pleased, but the moment that he checked my location and I wasn't home, I would get yelled at. I would always apologize and buy you presents to make up for my actions, which is one reason why you kept me around for so long. It was just lie after lie with him at this point.

Prom rolls around and he made me cry twice. At his prom and my prom because of the way he was treating me and his actions. He was bashing me the whole time and telling other girls he didn't even want to go to prom with me and even told me he didn't like how my hair was. I was devastated because I couldn't wait to get all pretty for him and show him off for the night.

He had me up every night until the sun rose because I was constantly worried about what I was doing wrong and what I was going to get yelled at the next day.

The day that I attempted to take my life away finally arrives. It was a decent day. I was excited for graduation soon and summer was right around the corner. I arrive in my art class and sit in my chair. I texted him and asked if he wanted to hang out later that night but he couldn't because he was busy with one of his friends, but in reality, that was a lie so he could hang out with other girls. I was so tired of hanging on to a guy who wasn't even mine anymore, but yet I was his because I wasn't allowed to see anyone else according to him.

I finally brought it up to him because I couldn't deal with it anymore, I was staying home from school a lot because I was so depressed... and that is when I received the text that is embedded into my mind. The words he sent me are words I would never wish upon to someone else. Words along the line of how I should off myself because no one will love me, I'm crazy, he used me and some other gruesome details about my corpse that I'd rather not go into detail about.

I sat in class as I felt all the color leave my face. I stood up out of my chair and immediately started bawling my eyes out. My friend in that class walked me to the counselor to talk about it. When I was done there, I was called out of school to go home. I reached my house and immediately laid in my bed thinking of how bad of a person I was. The more I thought, the more my mind took over. This is the moment I decided that I wanted to die. I tried to take my life away but was found.

I then voluntarily admitted myself to the hospital to the inpatient treatment program from anxiety, depression and attempted suicide.

It has almost been a year since this day happened. And now when I look back at that time, I wonder why I stayed with such a horrible human being. I am lucky enough now to have an amazing group of friends and family that support me through everything. I am proud of myself for coming over such an obstacle and I am also proud of the person I am.

No one deserves to feel how I felt for those couple of months. I am still healing, slowly but surely. And that time was a moment I will never forget, but now I know what not to look for in a relationship. Those months taught me lessons, no matter how much they hurt. I am so lucky to be apart of the world today. The bravest thing I have ever done was continued my life when I wanted to die. No matter how bad it gets, there is always sun after the rain.

Cover Image Credit: Pxhere

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30 Things I'd Rather Be Than 'Pretty'

Because "pretty" is so overrated.

Nowadays, we put so much emphasis on our looks. We focus so much on the outside that we forget to really focus on what matters. I was inspired by a list that I found online of "Things I Would Rather Be Called Instead Of Pretty," so I made my own version. Here is a list of things that I would rather be than "pretty."

1. Captivating

I want one glance at me to completely steal your breath away.

2. Magnetic

I want people to feel drawn to me. I want something to be different about me that people recognize at first glance.

3. Raw

I want to be real. Vulnerable. Completely, genuinely myself.

4. Intoxicating

..and I want you addicted.

5. Humble

I want to recognize my abilities, but not be boastful or proud.

6. Exemplary

I want to stand out.

7. Loyal

I want to pride myself on sticking out the storm.

8. Fascinating

I want you to be hanging on every word I say.

9. Empathetic

I want to be able to feel your pain, so that I can help you heal.

10. Vivacious

I want to be the life of the party.

11. Reckless

I want to be crazy. Thrilling. Unpredictable. I want to keep you guessing, keep your heart pounding, and your blood rushing.

12. Philanthropic

I want to give.

13. Philosophical

I want to ask the tough questions that get you thinking about the purpose of our beating hearts.

14. Loving

When my name is spoken, I want my tenderness to come to mind.

15. Quaintrelle

I want my passion to ooze out of me.

16. Belesprit

I want to be quick. Witty. Always on my toes.

17. Conscientious

I want to always be thinking of others.

18. Passionate

...and I want people to know what my passions are.

19. Alluring

I want to be a woman who draws people in.

20. Kind

Simply put, I want to be pleasant and kind.

21. Selcouth

Even if you've known me your whole life, I want strange, yet marvelous. Rare and wondrous.

22. Pierian

From the way I move to the way I speak, I want to be poetic.

23. Esoteric

Do not mistake this. I do not want to be misunderstood. But rather I'd like to keep my circle small and close. I don't want to be an average, everyday person.

24. Authentic

I don't want anyone to ever question whether I am being genuine or telling the truth.

25. Novaturient

..about my own life. I never want to settle for good enough. Instead I always want to seek to make a positive change.

26. Observant

I want to take all of life in.

27. Peart

I want to be honestly in good spirits at all times.

28. Romantic

Sure, I want to be a little old school in this sense.

29. Elysian

I want to give you the same feeling that you get in paradise.

30. Curious

And I never want to stop searching for answers.
Cover Image Credit: Favim

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An Open Letter To Those Who Forget Those Who Fought For Us All

We would not have the freedom to create what we love without them.


Without the bravery of millions of men and women throughout US history, many of us would not be sitting at our laptops reading or even creating free expressions of ourselves.

We might not be able to walk across campus without fear for our lives. Without the sacrifice of those who served, the great country we call home would not even be a reality. Whether we know them personally or not, the American people owe every ounce of freedom that we enjoy to the veterans who fought to preserve it.

For the soldiers who made it home again, the physical war was over, but the mental war was just beginning. And what makes it worse is that they cannot identify the enemy. There is no battle plan, no intended mission, and no officer leading them through the fray; they are alone, and cannot find the enemy to face in the shadows.

Veterans come home with so many different battle scars; some as obvious as a missing limb, and others so invisible that no one realizes that they are there until it is too late. Mental illness and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) plague returning soldiers and make it almost impossible for them to assimilate back into their own families, let alone society.

There is a toxic mentality that is all too popular in the military that tries to say that PTSD is for the weak and feeble-minded. Sometimes serving for years in foreign lands, some soldiers claim that any form of weakness gets you killed or captured on the battlefield. Coming home with this same mentality creates a toxic environment in which veterans refuse to seek help and the nightmares that they endured overseas haunt them until they cannot take it anymore.

There were soldiers that did not make it home at all, and some that were carried off planes in a box draped in the flag of their beloved country. Many of those who died did so to give their friends the chance to see the home and the families that they themselves would never lay eyes on again. They did not die just for their friends to come home to sleep on benches, having been kicked out of their houses or unable to hold a job. They did not die for their friends to come home only to put a needle to their arm, a bottle to their lips, or a pistol to their head.

Every day, 22 veterans and active-duty soldiers commit suicide. That means approximately every 65 minutes, a veteran has taken his or her life somewhere in the United States, the country that forgot them after they gave up so much for it. This statistic is inexcusable for our nation, and in other areas, the bar is just as low.

The vets with physical wounds alongside their mental ones who seek help must yet again face another battle; this time being with the healthcare system and all of its heavy expenses.

They usually get bags of over-prescribed drugs thrown at them as well as opioids rather than the physical and mental therapy that they need and deserve. The drugs turn the veterans into addicts, and as the pain continues to intensify on both the physical and mental fronts, they take more and more to numb the pain. This way, many reach overdose, and even death.

Mental illness, PTSD, lack of adequate treatment, and physical impairment all make it practically impossible for a soldier to get and keep a job, which could start a downward spiral into homelessness.

Despite the efforts that government organizations such as the Veterans Affairs have set in motion, the programs implemented have had minimal effect upon the crisis at hand. With a broken system and so many odds stacked against them, so many veterans have lost faith in the country that they fought so hard for, the same country that left them to their own nightmares in the alleyways and dark corners of cities. This is a humanitarian crisis that defines who we are as a nation.

I understand that many people may call a different crisis to mind that they think should take priority over getting these heroes off the streets. However, without all the sacrifices that the millions who served have made to protect America and everything it stands for, most other issues in this country would not even be plausible, let alone resolvable. This country is a beacon of hope to the world, and so many risks their own lives as well as their children's to come here. But without those who protected our liberty, there would be no liberty to flock to.

I want to imagine a United States that successfully integrates veterans back into society, that has the programs and the willpower to get them back on their feet and out of the shadows of the horrors they faced overseas.

But more than that, I want to imagine an American people that turn around to help pay the debt that those who fought for our freedom never asked us to repay. Because after all, freedom isn't free.

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