The Bravest Thing I Have Ever Done Was Continued My Life When I Wanted To Die

The Bravest Thing I Have Ever Done Was Continued My Life When I Wanted To Die

I am a survivor.
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I sat in my chair at my desk and stared at the message I just had received from the boy I was seeing. It was a Thursday morning and I was in my 5th period of the day. As I stared at this message, I knew this was it, this was the thing that finally sent me over the edge and in this moment, I got up out of class, drove to my house and attempted to take my life away.

I met a boy about 4 months before this day. He was everything I ever wanted in someone. He had blue eyes, was athletic and had the cutest dimples. As we started to get to know each other, the more and more I kept falling for him. He wanted to see me all the time, took me out to dinner, bought me presents. He was perfect in my eyes. He eventually asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. Everything was great for the first 2 weeks and then one day, I caught him texting multiple girls who he had been flirting with. Of course, I was upset and told him how I felt. He was very apologetic and promised he would never do it again. Everything went downhill from that day forward.

He ended up breaking up with me about a week and a half after the day I caught him talking to those girls. He broke up with me because of his commitments he had in the summer, but he also stated that he still wanted to be romantic interests because he still liked me. I understood and agreed.

As time moved forward, he being to slowly change. He started telling me that I was a whore because I wore leggings or jeans without a belt. He also would call me ugly when I didn't straighten my hair or when I wouldn't dress up. I could only basically wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt but then he would still say that I looked unattractive.

He then added on to the control and manipulation, I was now unable to hang out with my guy friends because they were simply not girls. These guy friends of mine had been friends with me since middle school. When he told me that, he said he could hang out with any girl he pleased, alone or not because he was "single."

I started to be cautious of everything I did. When I would go somewhere I wondered, "will he be mad at me if I go here?" When I'd hang out with any of my friends I would think, "is he going to hate me for hanging out with them?" My whole life was slowly becoming revolved around whatever he wanted me to do.

I ended up getting diagnosed with anxiety and depression thanks to him.

He went out wherever and with whoever when he pleased, but the moment that he checked my location and I wasn't home, I would get yelled at. I would always apologize and buy you presents to make up for my actions, which is one reason why you kept me around for so long. It was just lie after lie with him at this point.

Prom rolls around and he made me cry twice. At his prom and my prom because of the way he was treating me and his actions. He was bashing me the whole time and telling other girls he didn't even want to go to prom with me and even told me he didn't like how my hair was. I was devastated because I couldn't wait to get all pretty for him and show him off for the night.

He had me up every night until the sun rose because I was constantly worried about what I was doing wrong and what I was going to get yelled at the next day.

The day that I attempted to take my life away finally arrives. It was a decent day. I was excited for graduation soon and summer was right around the corner. I arrive in my art class and sit in my chair. I texted him and asked if he wanted to hang out later that night but he couldn't because he was busy with one of his friends, but in reality, that was a lie so he could hang out with other girls. I was so tired of hanging on to a guy who wasn't even mine anymore, but yet I was his because I wasn't allowed to see anyone else according to him.

I finally brought it up to him because I couldn't deal with it anymore, I was staying home from school a lot because I was so depressed... and that is when I received the text that is embedded into my mind. The words he sent me are words I would never wish upon to someone else. Words along the line of how I should off myself because no one will love me, I'm crazy, he used me and some other gruesome details about my corpse that I'd rather not go into detail about.

I sat in class as I felt all the color leave my face. I stood up out of my chair and immediately started bawling my eyes out. My friend in that class walked me to the counselor to talk about it. When I was done there, I was called out of school to go home. I reached my house and immediately laid in my bed thinking of how bad of a person I was. The more I thought, the more my mind took over. This is the moment I decided that I wanted to die. I tried to take my life away but was found.

I then voluntarily admitted myself to the hospital to the inpatient treatment program from anxiety, depression and attempted suicide.

It has almost been a year since this day happened. And now when I look back at that time, I wonder why I stayed with such a horrible human being. I am lucky enough now to have an amazing group of friends and family that support me through everything. I am proud of myself for coming over such an obstacle and I am also proud of the person I am.

No one deserves to feel how I felt for those couple of months. I am still healing, slowly but surely. And that time was a moment I will never forget, but now I know what not to look for in a relationship. Those months taught me lessons, no matter how much they hurt. I am so lucky to be apart of the world today. The bravest thing I have ever done was continued my life when I wanted to die. No matter how bad it gets, there is always sun after the rain.

Cover Image Credit: Pxhere

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If You've Ever Been Called Overly-Emotional Or Too Sensitive, This Is For You

Despite what they have told you, it's a gift.
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Emotional: a word used often nowadays to insult someone for their sensitivity towards a multitude of things.

If you cry happy tears, you're emotional. If you express (even if it's in a healthy way) that something is bothering you, you're sensitive. If your hormones are in a funk and you just happen to be sad one day, you're emotional AND sensitive.

Let me tell you something that goes against everything people have probably ever told you. Being emotional and being sensitive are very, very good things. It's a gift. Your ability to empathize, sympathize, and sensitize yourself to your own situation and to others' situations is a true gift that many people don't possess, therefore many people do not understand.

Never let someone's negativity toward this gift of yours get you down. We are all guilty of bashing something that is unfamiliar to us: something that is different. But take pride in knowing God granted this special gift to you because He believes you will use it to make a difference someday, somehow.

This gift of yours was meant to be utilized. It would not be a part of you if you were not meant to use it. Because of this gift, you will change someone's life someday. You might be the only person that takes a little extra time to listen to someone's struggle when the rest of the world turns their backs. In a world where a six-figure income is a significant determinant in the career someone pursues, you might be one of the few who decides to donate your time for no income at all. You might be the first friend someone thinks to call when they get good news, simply because they know you will be happy for them. You might be an incredible mother who takes too much time to nurture and raise beautiful children who will one day change the world.

To feel everything with every single part of your being is a truly wonderful thing. You love harder. You smile bigger. You feel more. What a beautiful thing! Could you imagine being the opposite of these things? Insensitive and emotionless?? Both are unhealthy, both aren't nearly as satisfying, and neither will get you anywhere worth going in life.

Imagine how much richer your life is because you love other's so hard. It might mean more heartache, but the reward is always worth the risk. Imagine how much richer your life is because you are overly appreciative of the beauty a simple sunset brings. Imagine how much richer your life is because you can be moved to tears by the lessons of someone else's story.

Embrace every part of who you are and be just that 100%. There will be people who criticize you for the size of your heart. Feel sorry for them. There are people who are dishonest. There are people who are manipulative. There are people who are downright malicious. And the one thing people say to put you down is "you feel too much." Hmm..

Sounds like more of a compliment to me. Just sayin'.

Cover Image Credit: We Heart It

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If You Want To Die Tonight, Please Read This

I want you to live. More importantly, I want you to want to live.

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If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Drowning.

Drowning.

Drowning.

Drowning.

The thoughts are deafening, screaming at you that the world would be better off without you and that no one would care if you were gone.

So, you find yourself on the Internet, searching for ways to die in a relatively painless way that will leave the least amount of mess for others. You find yourself thinking about the bridge a half mile from your house or the assortment of pills lining the walls of your medicine cabinet. You remember that your roommates will not be home from class for a few hours; that you are totally alone.

And then, in your Internet search for ways to finally escape the pain, you happen upon this article.

Yes, this one right here.

This one telling you to stay.

And, well, you find yourself still reading along because a piece of you, even if it is the smallest piece of your existence, wants a reason to live.

* * *

I am not sure what is causing you pain, and maybe you honestly are not sure either. All you know is that you have this pain — this never-ending pain — and it's become enough.

Society tells us that we need to tattoo a smile onto our faces and pretend that everything is OK even when we are aching on the inside. If you take one thing away from this article, I want you to remember this — it is OK not to be OK. It is OK if you are not OK today or tomorrow or next week or a year from now. However, one day, it will be a little better and there will be a little bit of sunshine peeking out through the clouds.

I want you to live. More importantly, I want you to want to live.

And, sometimes, wanting to live is about just noticing the little things that make you happy and remembering them.

Like the way the sun looks glistening off of the lake by your house at 5:47 p.m. on a Thursday evening.

Or the way the scent of your coffee creeps up your nostrils while it cools to a drinkable temperature.

Or the fact that a new episode of your family's favorite show is coming on this Thursday.

Or the way your Lush bath bomb colors your water into beautiful shades of blue and green and yellow and pink.

Or the dinner your Mom cooked for tonight to share with you, your Dad, and your sister.

* * *

Life may not turn out how you plan, but perhaps that is not a bad thing.

God has a plan for you.

Why the plan involves you feeling this way, I do not know, but I do know that God did not bring you into this world to suffer.

You deserve help.

You deserve love.

You deserve to be supported.

Even if you feel alone, I promise you are never alone.

You can text "Hello" to 741-741 at any hour of the day and someone will be there to support you.

* * *

So, tonight while you want to die, please just think about the last time you smiled so hard that your face physically hurt or laughed until you almost peed. Just think about a time that you felt something besides what you are feeling now and hold onto it.

Hold onto it, lie down, and go to sleep.

And wake up tomorrow knowing that you are a survivor.

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