I sat in my chair at my desk and stared at the message I just had received from the boy I was seeing. It was a Thursday morning and I was in my 5th period of the day. As I stared at this message, I knew this was it, this was the thing that finally sent me over the edge and in this moment, I got up out of class, drove to my house and attempted to take my life away.
I met a boy about 4 months before this day. He was everything I ever wanted in someone. He had blue eyes, was athletic and had the cutest dimples. As we started to get to know each other, the more and more I kept falling for him. He wanted to see me all the time, took me out to dinner, bought me presents. He was perfect in my eyes. He eventually asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. Everything was great for the first 2 weeks and then one day, I caught him texting multiple girls who he had been flirting with. Of course, I was upset and told him how I felt. He was very apologetic and promised he would never do it again. Everything went downhill from that day forward.
He ended up breaking up with me about a week and a half after the day I caught him talking to those girls. He broke up with me because of his commitments he had in the summer, but he also stated that he still wanted to be romantic interests because he still liked me. I understood and agreed.
As time moved forward, he being to slowly change. He started telling me that I was a whore because I wore leggings or jeans without a belt. He also would call me ugly when I didn't straighten my hair or when I wouldn't dress up. I could only basically wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt but then he would still say that I looked unattractive.
He then added on to the control and manipulation, I was now unable to hang out with my guy friends because they were simply not girls. These guy friends of mine had been friends with me since middle school. When he told me that, he said he could hang out with any girl he pleased, alone or not because he was "single."
I started to be cautious of everything I did. When I would go somewhere I wondered, "will he be mad at me if I go here?" When I'd hang out with any of my friends I would think, "is he going to hate me for hanging out with them?" My whole life was slowly becoming revolved around whatever he wanted me to do.
I ended up getting diagnosed with anxiety and depression thanks to him.
He went out wherever and with whoever when he pleased, but the moment that he checked my location and I wasn't home, I would get yelled at. I would always apologize and buy you presents to make up for my actions, which is one reason why you kept me around for so long. It was just lie after lie with him at this point.
Prom rolls around and he made me cry twice. At his prom and my prom because of the way he was treating me and his actions. He was bashing me the whole time and telling other girls he didn't even want to go to prom with me and even told me he didn't like how my hair was. I was devastated because I couldn't wait to get all pretty for him and show him off for the night.
He had me up every night until the sun rose because I was constantly worried about what I was doing wrong and what I was going to get yelled at the next day.
The day that I attempted to take my life away finally arrives. It was a decent day. I was excited for graduation soon and summer was right around the corner. I arrive in my art class and sit in my chair. I texted him and asked if he wanted to hang out later that night but he couldn't because he was busy with one of his friends, but in reality, that was a lie so he could hang out with other girls. I was so tired of hanging on to a guy who wasn't even mine anymore, but yet I was his because I wasn't allowed to see anyone else according to him.
I finally brought it up to him because I couldn't deal with it anymore, I was staying home from school a lot because I was so depressed... and that is when I received the text that is embedded into my mind. The words he sent me are words I would never wish upon to someone else. Words along the line of how I should off myself because no one will love me, I'm crazy, he used me and some other gruesome details about my corpse that I'd rather not go into detail about.
I sat in class as I felt all the color leave my face. I stood up out of my chair and immediately started bawling my eyes out. My friend in that class walked me to the counselor to talk about it. When I was done there, I was called out of school to go home. I reached my house and immediately laid in my bed thinking of how bad of a person I was. The more I thought, the more my mind took over. This is the moment I decided that I wanted to die. I tried to take my life away but was found.
I then voluntarily admitted myself to the hospital to the inpatient treatment program from anxiety, depression and attempted suicide.
It has almost been a year since this day happened. And now when I look back at that time, I wonder why I stayed with such a horrible human being. I am lucky enough now to have an amazing group of friends and family that support me through everything. I am proud of myself for coming over such an obstacle and I am also proud of the person I am.
No one deserves to feel how I felt for those couple of months. I am still healing, slowly but surely. And that time was a moment I will never forget, but now I know what not to look for in a relationship. Those months taught me lessons, no matter how much they hurt. I am so lucky to be apart of the world today. The bravest thing I have ever done was continued my life when I wanted to die. No matter how bad it gets, there is always sun after the rain.