It is always when the darkness dons on me, that my mind wanders into little cracks that I thought I cut off forever. Love truly is a disgusting thing, it is a distraction from reality and a hypothetical, floating conception that leads to a stuffy little dimension ripped apart from the real world.
Not that I spend every hour consciously thinking “God, I love you so much”, but it’s a feeling. A feeling like I should evaporate whenever I hear their name leeching onto different corners of my brain.
And it’s the worst when you know they don’t feel the same- when they don’t care, or even better, are stuck up on somebody else. Feeling soft, curling up like bark on trees, I tell myself, “okay you need to stop. god, just look at yourself. you can’t even eat properly or study or hold a conversation without their dumb name popping up in your head a million times”.
And I know we have our own lives, spiral in our orbits and get sleepy-eyed to different sunsets. You’re seeing red and orange and I'm watching the sun fall in pinks and magenta and light oranges and deep red. and sometimes I think about the shape of you and the swell of your ribs when you take a deep breath and then I get annoyed with myself.
A little quarter of my brain begs for me to shut up before it gets devoured by the less rational of my brain, that’s like: imagine watching the sunset with him? And the spaces around this word, his name, in my brain creates a paroxysm in my stomach.
But you know what? Sometimes you will lose a person to a winter of your own hands, maybe you’re too ashamed to bring it up and the mere thought of it holds poison.
You might spend a month with the attempt to forget about this person and it’ll yawn in you. Or you might tell them again and again and the world can either come together in light and desire and dream…or it may crash together sharply, but you’ll never know until you just say it.