They say that a piece of clothing becomes vintage when it turns 20 years old. I will be turning vintage tomorrow.

It seems strange, because I've always felt like I should have done more by 20. Like I should have already been on my way to figuring out world peace or how to save the bees. Like I should have published something profound, like I should be an award-winning artist, like I should have figured out by now that anxiety doesn't serve me in life and that I'm allowed to be rid of it.

This has been the story of my life. Every time I turned a new age, I would be regretful that I hadn't done more in the previous one. This stretches back to the age of 10 or so, I'm guessing. I always felt older than I was, to the point of actually forgetting I was turning 19 because it seemed like such a low number. So in that way, the turning of ages has always been a relief as well. One step closer to being the age I am in my head (which doesn't actually have a set number--it's more like a vague concept of oldness).

This summer, I did something that I think was crucial to letting go of that feeling of "not being enough".

I started watching all the teen shows I'd been interested in but never really tried (like 'Switched at Birth' and 'The 100'). I listened to a lot more pop music than usual. I embraced YouTubers that are traditionally marketed to a younger crowd, because I find them hilarious. I started to express myself in no caps and all caps. Basically, I did whatever young teenagers did because I hadn't done it at the target age. And I did not feel a shred of guilt--instead, I was the happiest I'd been in months.

Why? Because it was healing.

Essentially, going back in time mentally and doing the youthful things that I had missed out on felt like I was healing my younger self. I was giving her what she'd always wanted but never allowed herself to have because she thought it would make her seem immature and ignorant. I gave the young girl--the one who'd tried to give herself an official brand name at 12, the one who'd never changed her Tumblr icon, the one who mostly watched aging period dramas--permission to stop being so worried about what people thought of her and just be a teenager at last.

I went back to my teens to ensure that I could head healthily into my twenties, and it worked. I love a well-thought-out blog design and 'Pride & Prejudice' and I love pop music and "cringey" TV shows, too. I feel capable of having all of those things in my life (and thoroughly enjoying them!) without worrying that my apparent maturity will suffer as a result.

There are still so many, many things that I don't know and that I have not accomplished yet. But instead of dreading that this year, I'm looking at it realistically. Is there a 20 year old out there who has their life together? Probably, but I don't know them. I can now feel comfortable saying that I am young, that I am inexperienced, and that I am doing the best I can. Someday, everything will click into place. It may take a few years (or many years) for that to happen, but it will happen.

In the meantime, I'll be making progress towards who I want to be, because that's all we can do at any age.

Here's to turning vintage!