I’m really feeling like the universe is alive these days so I wanna get to know it better.

Realization Part 1: (TBC in an undetermined future)

So the original draft of this that I wrote..I was rereading it and..I realized I need to take a seat. I got lost in the point of what I was saying. Rather than speaking from my own experience candidly, I ended up accidentally saying something to the effect of “I learned this recently, you should try it too”. But, isn’t that just supposed to be implied and then people decide if they agree or not on their own? Yeah, I’m thinking so too.

So recently I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking. I do a lot of thinking all the time anyways, I’m just always in my head. That’s not always a bad thing, but it can definitely get you STRESSED the *bleep* out.

I’ve been exploring where a lot of my built up stress has come from and it’s wild to me to see how my subconscious insecurities, leftover from growing up, have shaped who I am both directly and indirectly.

Worrying about what people think of me in terms of my own self-perception has always been this weird double-edged sword. On the one hand, people’s opinions have never really stopped me from doing what I wanted. However, on the other hand, they MOST DEFINITELY have and changed my perception of what it was that I wanted so much that I didn’t even notice myself living for others before myself.

Being concerned for others is actually really important. Empathy, yeah, someone tell Donald about it. But that doesn’t mean you have to constantly put others before yourself.

What are you doing here? Why are you on Earth? Why did YOU get to grow up? If you’re reading this, you’re still alive and have the opportunity to continue experiencing existence. Pretty neat, so why would you give up all your agency with that?

Well, when you have aspects of yourself that others may not agree with or are afraid of, it’s easy to find yourself acting like water..molding yourself to whatever container you are put it in. It’s easier to exist that way, or so it seems.

Well..a big ole *BLEEP* that. One of the best realizations I’ve ever come to is recognizing that there’s no definite meaning to anything.

We aren’t supposed to be defined by others. The only thoughts we have to endure constantly are our own. It would be pretty tight if we could just skip the whole breakdown process that normally occurs before accepting this and bettering ourselves because of it. But that’s not life is it?

You have to find the beauty in existing for yourself. Embrace the weird shit you find interesting, no matter how miniscule or irrelevant you think it may seem to others. No one has to live with you, but you. Enjoy the existence you ended up with as best you can…because why not?

Your state of mind will never be perfectly peaceful all of the time, but isn’t it enough to live for those moments of clarity? The times when you feel like you know what is you’re doing. The times when you forget about all of the endings that are to come for everything and you just get to enjoy the middle of your story. Do some more of that.

Take it all in. Create your own story. And consent to waiting out the tough times, they WILL pass.