Death can happen at any time, and anywhere. For those of us who have to experience watching someone they love waste away, it isn't much better. I just lost my grandma a week ago to her body failing from the effects of dementia. I have had the time to tell her good-bye, but I didn't want to really believe that she was going to go. When someone you love dies, a piece of your heart escapes with them and it'll never come back. It will just leave scarring that heals in the place where your heart broke. When death happens suddenly, the shock hurts your heart and shakes reality. Death is not an easy thing to deal with regardless of timing, and it is okay to not be completely prepared for when it happens even when you know its coming.

My grandma was the strongest lady in my life. She was a navy wife and a strong mother. She was dramatic but in a good way. She taught me that while it's better to rely on yourself, it's also okay to rely on family. She tried to teach me French when I was little, but I was never good at listening. She would watch my siblings and I after school as my mom would go to work at night. I could always count on her after-school cookies and hugs. She has helped me so many times when I would get stuck in school. She was a constant in my life when everything else could change in an instant.

Learning to deal with this constant hole in my heart will take some time. My hole in my heart from the people who died took time to heal in itself, but this will take more time, because this is the first death that means my constant is gone and I couldn't be around to say my final goodbye. There have been times at random times of the day where I would catch myself almost crying. This is normal because your heart will remind you that something is missing. Learning to deal with the pain will take time, and the pain will lessen over time. Crying means that a person has become stronger. The release of emotions builds a stronger foundation for the rest of life.

Death is a natural part of life, but that doesn't mean that it is easier when prepared for. Those who have to experience the death of a loved one will not be okay if they were emotionally attached. The constant reminder that a loved one isn't in their life anymore causes pain that isn't easy to heal except with time. Watching someone you love die isn't easy. Being prepared doesn't mean that its any easier because the end result is the same. The effects of a disease on a person can make those watching it happen hurt even more. A lot of people don't like to experience their loved ones in pain, so the pain that comes from watching someone's death varies. It's okay to not be okay, even when prepared.