I'm sorry you feel that way.

I know we have not spoken in a while, and this is the last way you'd think i'd even reach out to you, but Ive always been full of surprises now haven't I?  Just like my first letter to you ( the one that I'm not sure you even care about anymore),  this is a spur of the moment thing.  I feel like I just can't wait another minute without getting this off my chest.  So here it goes.

Theres not a day that goes by that I don't relive that day, the one where you said I didn't matter to you anymore.  Or at least that I couldn't remain a part of your life.  But I never let go of you from mine.  I can't.  Not physically, emotionally or mentally.  I'm stuck to you like glue and no matter what I try I just cant get rid of you.  

And that really fucking sucks.  

Not because I hate you or anything like that.  I don't even hate him, despite my reservations about his character.

The only feeling I have is worry.

Theres no easy way for me to say this, but I worry about you every minute of every day.  Worry that you'll never learn to respect yourself the way you deserve.  Worry that you'll end up abused and frightened in your everyday life.  And most of all, I worry that you'll never be as happy as you deserve to be. I always have and I think I always will.  The only difference is back when you used to talk to me I could do something about it.  I felt like I actually was doing good for once in my life; that I actually had a purpose.  We both needed each other in some capacity just to operate and get through life.  I honestly can say I would have never gotten through summer without you.  

But it's gotten scary.  

I dream about you.  And it's always the same dream.  It's that one where you tell me everything worked out and we can finally talk again.  I must've had it at least fifty times since we last spoke.  It haunts me, these dreams, like a ghost of the past.  I used to dream of demons but know I just dream of you.  Maybe you've become my demons, or maybe I'm just as insane as I think.  

I still read what you write, and I'm not gonna lie, it hurt reading that.  Because she way I saw it, you were the only person who believed in me, that I was an actual genuine person who can actually care about someone without having an alternative agenda.  But I guess you'll believe what you've been told about me.  I really thought you knew me better than that.   I'm sorry you feel that way about me now, and I'm sorry for all the bad things I've done.  But  I'm a good person, and I'm a damn good boyfriend to my girl.  Theres not a day that goes by where she doesn't know how much she is really loved and trusted.  

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I miss you.  And not the I miss you thats all soft and cute, the Blink-182 I Miss You, where I literally cannot function as a person since you've left.  I fell hard, and am still trying to recollect myself.  To this day I am but a broken pile of what once was, continuously searching for an answer to what I did wrong.  You were here one day and gone the next, a true Irish exit.  Sometimes I wonder if you still think of me the way I think about you.  Or maybe you've gotten over me and are happy with your life.  Maybe things have worked out for you since I've left.  Mayve I really am just trouble after all.

I don't even know if you'll read this.  maybe you saw my name and immediately delete this link.  Or maybe you'll see my name, and give me a chance, like you have many times before.  Either way, you'll know I've been thinking about you.  And thats all I really want you to know, that you haven't left my life yet.  I hope you believe I am being genuine in this letter, because it is the most honest piece I've ever written. I've accepted that I may never see you again, and as much as that sucks I'll just have to deal with that fact.  

Maybe our paths will cross again, but if they don't, then I'll leave you with this:  I will always care for you.  No matter how much I try I will never be able to feel anything but worry and remorse towards you.  You deserve so much happiness in life, but it will only come to you if you believe you deserve it.  

I'll always be thinking about you, and I hope you're doing well.  Forever and always, I love you.