I'm sorry you feel that way.
I know we have not spoken in a while, and this is the last way you'd think i'd even reach out to you, but Ive always been full of surprises now haven't I? Â Just like my first letter to you ( the one that I'm not sure you even care about anymore), Â this is a spur of the moment thing. Â I feel like I just can't wait another minute without getting this off my chest. Â So here it goes.
Theres not a day that goes by that I don't relive that day, the one where you said I didn't matter to you anymore. Â Or at least that I couldn't remain a part of your life. Â But I never let go of you from mine. Â I can't. Â Not physically, emotionally or mentally. Â I'm stuck to you like glue and no matter what I try I just cant get rid of you. Â
And that really fucking sucks. Â
Not because I hate you or anything like that. Â I don't even hate him, despite my reservations about his character.
The only feeling I have is worry.
Theres no easy way for me to say this, but I worry about you every minute of every day. Â Worry that you'll never learn to respect yourself the way you deserve. Â Worry that you'll end up abused and frightened in your everyday life. Â And most of all, I worry that you'll never be as happy as you deserve to be. I always have and I think I always will. Â The only difference is back when you used to talk to me I could do something about it. Â I felt like I actually was doing good for once in my life; that I actually had a purpose. Â We both needed each other in some capacity just to operate and get through life. Â I honestly can say I would have never gotten through summer without you. Â
But it's gotten scary. Â
I dream about you. Â And it's always the same dream. Â It's that one where you tell me everything worked out and we can finally talk again. Â I must've had it at least fifty times since we last spoke. Â It haunts me, these dreams, like a ghost of the past. Â I used to dream of demons but know I just dream of you. Â Maybe you've become my demons, or maybe I'm just as insane as I think. Â
I still read what you write, and I'm not gonna lie, it hurt reading that.  Because she way I saw it, you were the only person who believed in me, that I was an actual genuine person who can actually care about someone without having an alternative agenda.  But I guess you'll believe what you've been told about me.  I really thought you knew me better than that.   I'm sorry you feel that way about me now, and I'm sorry for all the bad things I've done.  But  I'm a good person, and I'm a damn good boyfriend to my girl.  Theres not a day that goes by where she doesn't know how much she is really loved and trusted. Â
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I miss you. Â And not the I miss you thats all soft and cute, the Blink-182 I Miss You, where I literally cannot function as a person since you've left. Â I fell hard, and am still trying to recollect myself. Â To this day I am but a broken pile of what once was, continuously searching for an answer to what I did wrong. Â You were here one day and gone the next, a true Irish exit. Â Sometimes I wonder if you still think of me the way I think about you. Â Or maybe you've gotten over me and are happy with your life. Â Maybe things have worked out for you since I've left. Â Mayve I really am just trouble after all.
I don't even know if you'll read this. Â maybe you saw my name and immediately delete this link. Â Or maybe you'll see my name, and give me a chance, like you have many times before. Â Either way, you'll know I've been thinking about you. Â And thats all I really want you to know, that you haven't left my life yet. Â I hope you believe I am being genuine in this letter, because it is the most honest piece I've ever written. I've accepted that I may never see you again, and as much as that sucks I'll just have to deal with that fact. Â
Maybe our paths will cross again, but if they don't, then I'll leave you with this: Â I will always care for you. Â No matter how much I try I will never be able to feel anything but worry and remorse towards you. Â You deserve so much happiness in life, but it will only come to you if you believe you deserve it. Â
I'll always be thinking about you, and I hope you're doing well. Â Forever and always, I love you. Â