Ashley,

It's almost Christmas! 10-15 years ago, you were probably watching the countdown for Christmas that mom had set up in the living room, thinking it would never come. Fast forward to about 5-6 years ago, you were basically hiding your extreme excitement at this point because you feel too old for Christmas, but you just really want to know if you got that one thing you asked for. You thought you had it so tough then, hoping you'd get a smartphone but knew you wouldn't because "mom and dad aren't cool and they're strict." 

10-15 years ago, you did a lot of playing outside. You really didn't worry about what other people thought of you because, well, you didn't really have anyone you had to care about their opinions of you. You were your only friend. (Besides when Zac Efron rode in your go-cart with you.)

5-6 years ago, however, it all hit you. You just HAD to have that same shirt that your friends had. You didn't have a smartphone so you didn't fit in. Your family valued family time and hard work than just sitting inside watching tv or doing "fun" things. I remember this time. I remember making the realization that a lot of people don't like you, and you're a lot different than all the other girls. I remember doing things that people thought were boyish, I remember trying to fit in with those girls that just didn't like you, no matter what you did. 

I remember 4 years ago and the thought that went through your head when you took those pills. I remember feeling so miserable, confused, unwanted, that you didn't want to burden anyone with your presence. I remember the night you did it, I remember sitting in Spanish class that next morning when you were still shaking from the pills, I remember the text you sent mom and the frustration dad felt when he zoomed home from work because his baby didn't want to live anymore. I remember that god awful trip to Reid. You still felt like a disappointment, because Dad didn't react the way you thought he would and you thought you were a disappointment to him. I remember that drive to the inpatient facility. That weird smelling place that looked more like a preschool than a place for "troubled" kids. They even messed up your medication and made you color like a 5 year old... idiots. 

I remember the years of counseling that followed. The trips to Richmond a couple days a week that turned into trips to Fishers about once every two weeks, then turned into trips to St. Vincent three days a week. I remember sitting in every chair looking at these doctors wondering why the hell they weren't even listening to you. I remember sitting in the group therapy room looking at all of the kids thinking they look so sad, do you look like that too? I remember losing track of the medications you were on because you were a prime guinea pig for new medications. I remember feeling hopeless for the 3 years that followed.

I also remember when you made a revelation. You. stopped. caring. You didn't have the same phone as everyone else? Psht, at least you had a phone! You were a little more opinionated than everyone else? Good, at least someone has an opinion on something that's ACTUALLY important instead of who is dating and who is fighting. You didn't like something someone did or said? You made sure they didn't say or do it again. You started embracing yourself. 

Let me tell you one thing, that revelation made a lasting impact on yourself and the people around you. I really wish this revelation didn't happen, tho. Because I wish you would have lived your entire life like that. I wish you knew that as I'm sitting here right now, I don't talk to ANY of the people that you thought you had to fit in with. I wish you didn't worry about boys, because the one that I have now is all we've ever needed. I really wish you didn't think you knew what you wanted to do with your life, because you lied to yourself. But I know how it is, school told you that you wouldn't succeed without college. And your plan with the Marines? No you won't actually go to boot camp and become a marine, but that time you spend going to PT on Wednesday's, and waking up at the crack of dawn to go show the guys from the Muncie and Anderson crews that you were THAT female from Richmond, wasn't a waste!! You will make some friendships that get you through some rough patches. You'll meet a man that you're going to click with and you're going to be so nervous around...don't be. I can tell you now, that "hardass front" that you had to put up while at PT with the boys, he sees right through it. He LIKES that front, but he also likes when you get super excited to see him and curl your hair and put on that almond brown lipstick just to kiss his cheek.

If I could tell you anything, it's this:

High school does not matter. It truly doesn't. Your grades and diploma? You're barely gonna get by with those, so instead of just telling mom and dad that you did your homework, DO IT! Mom and Dad want you to do better than they did, you stubborn ass. 

But high school really doesn't matter. The people that excelled, won't excel when you graduate. The people you thought were going to be your bridesmaids, you won't talk to them after those caps are tossed and you leave that gym with your diploma. Your pictures are the only reason people wanted to talk to you, and that's okay. You left a legacy. No one even knows who THEY are in high school, so don't let them try and tell you who YOU are. 

Most importantly, you're going to live. You're going to make a lot of mistakes. You're going to try some nasty vodka, and have some bad experiences with said nasty vodka, and realize you are NOT a basic white girl. You're going to drive many, many miles and spend tooooo much money on people who just wanted a ride and money. You're going to get so hurt, that you don't want to let love in anymore. Your life is going to suck for awhile. If you weren't so stubborn, and argued with dad so much, you'd be alright. But, you've gotten me to where I am now. So thanks for that I suppose. But NEVER lose yourself trying to fit in. You're different than everyone else for a reason. I just wish you knew that. 

Most of all, Mom and Dad love you more than you think. Stop treating them like shit.

-18 year old Ashley

December 12th, 2017