Dear Brother,Â
I was in disbelief that you were gone. A panic attack ensued as the words filed one by one out of dad's mouth. I remember clutching on tight to him, not even able to imagine the pain that he could be going through but trying to hold it together for the sake of those around him. Mom held on tight to me because I could barely stand up. I know at that point in time, you probably were holding onto all of us, upset that we were upset. That day felt like it lasted a lifetime; everything was in slow motion and everything hurt. The days that followed were worse. Everybody wanted to know how I was doing or how our parents and siblings were doing. I know it's only an appropriate question for what happened, but it was hard to accurately answer the question. It still is. After that week, I would wake up some days thinking it was all a dream and have to remind myself that it wasn't. That you were actually gone. Heightened anxiety seeped into every area of my life and it felt like I was drowning at all times. Realizing that you wouldn't physically be there at any of the important moments in my life, like my graduation or my wedding day. Or that my children, new friends, or husband won't be able to know you is some of the hardest facts to understand. However the toughest fact to accept is that you aren't able to accomplish certain aspects of your life that you wanted. Although you did accomplish some amazing feats; graduating Clemson University and becoming a CPA being only some of them.Â
I miss hearing you play the guitar. I miss hearing your  voice and your laugh. I miss cheering on Clemson with you against the rest of our family. I miss your texts. I miss when you would take me to get pizza knowing that I wouldn't like whatever food we would be eating at the family get-together. I miss telling the stories of how my first word was your name and that you drove through a tornado without knowing it. Most of all, I miss your presence.Â
Trying to make sense of this is something that I struggle with. I don't know if I want to know the reason for why it did happen or what was going through your head. I do know for a fact that you never intended to cause the pain that everyone went through and is still going through. I know you are still with us; looking down on us and cheering us on, but it's hard knowing you aren't physically here. This holiday season will be hard and no one's heart will be fully in it. Please show us that you will be there in some way. It will help us get through it.Â
Love,
Your Little Sister and Kindred Spirit