Dear Future Self,
I hope you are happy now. You have been hoping this would end for a long time, trying to drive him away without success ...until now. Is it worth it being single again? Do you feel "free"? Or do you miss him? Do you regret pushing him out of your life? Do you miss the fun and the jokes? Do you miss his wide "clown" grin, his hugs, and him telling you each and every day how much he loves you with his whole soul? He really did love you, you know. You were his motivation to get up in the wee hours to work a crummy and exhausting factory job. He was saving up for a future he wanted to have with you. He offered up his every suffering for your sake, thinking you were worth it.
Maybe he will find someone else. "Someone stupid next time," you said, "Someone stronger next time," he said. You were the first to give the man a chance, but you could not make up your mind. You did not want to lose him and his friendship, but you were also scared of the future. You were scared since the first day of your relationship that the two of you would not work out, and scared of facing your biggest fear- of getting married. You are afraid of having a family on account of your lack of knowledge and experience, and your insistence that you would not be a good parent in the future. You were afraid that you were losing your freedom and throwing your life away like Mom always implied. You were always too afraid, and fear destroyed #Erimma!
He gave you so many chances but you could not get over your worst fear. How could you, really? You cannot expose yourself to that phobia until after you are in a binding contract. Did he not understand that you could not simply "get over it"? The relationship was "built on sand", he said. There is no point if you don't want kids and if you are oo scared of the facts of life to produce them. It was not fair, but the rules are never fair. I bet you would have a panic attack on the wedding night, then he would be angry, telling you that you were "acting like a child". Then he would step out to let you think about what you have done and have a smoke to calm his own nerves. You would have made a mess out of everything as usual.
He gave me a book last week. I promised him I would read it, promised to keep an open mind about the perspective it shows about parents, kids, and the facts of life- information that was held from us by our parents. I think this is why for years, we prudishly turned up the nose at dating and marriage. Knowledge may be the cure. If this fails to convince me, it will be over between him and me. I know that your future is not THE future. It is simply one possibility. However, I am running on my last strike in this relationship. He is sick and tired of the emotional roller-coaster. I was given one last warning and I have mixed feeling about it. Is life without him freedom or is it regret?
Your Past Self
P.S. Silence is silver.