Tonight it hit me for the first time in my life. I am not a good believer. Whenever it comes to faith I always seem to shy away from the subject. I have never realized why, but tonight it hit me. Fear.

Earlier today in a meeting with some colleagues we got onto the topic of faith and religion. I, of course, did not chime in and tried to blend into the background. Then something happened, and I can only identify it as a sign from God. One of the women turned to me and said, "you need to watch 'War Room' when you get the chance. I think it would be good since you are about to get married." Being a 21-year old who is engaged I receive advice about marriage all the time, so I shrugged it off and continued on with the day. But all I could think about was that movie. Why had she decided to inform me about it? What could I possibly gain from a movie I had only heard of faintly?

What I gained was clarity. This came in the form of body-shaking sobs in my apartment living room. It was finally clear to me after all these years of Sunday school, bible school, "big church" services, and Lord's suppers. I am not a good believer. The idea that prayer can bring blessings and have an affect on life has never been something I believed. Finally admitting that out loud feels like the hardest step towards believing in something greater than this world. While it seems silly that something as trivial as a motion picture could elicit all of these emotions, it happened. Let me repeat that, a movie helped me to see that my path is not the path God wants for me.

Am I completely fixed? Am I strong enough now to stand on my own two feet and proclaim my faith for all to hear? Definitely not. I am only one baby step closer to achieving the relationship that I yearn with God. I have just begun my journey in being a true believer, and I think for now that is exactly where I am supposed to be. My point is, if you struggle with believing as I have let this be hope for you. Let this be the hope that opens your heart to the door that God will open. Let this be the hope that allows you to accept what you cannot physically see, but that you can believe.

Psalms 62:1-2 - For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.