With the 2018 Winter Olympics in full swing, figure skating has returned to the forefront of people’s minds, as it does every four years. The sport grabs the attention of many with good reason — figure skaters and their feats are powerful, aesthetically pleasing, and sometimes seem to be on the precipice of impossible.

Yet, as with any sport, figure skating is not all beauty. This fact, too, has been increasingly brought to the public’s attention especially after former Olympian Gracie Gold dropped from the U.S. championships this past November, reportedly due to an eating disorder and other mental health issues. I do have a lot to say about this especially since I highly admire Gold and other athletes like her.

However, much has already been said and written about this issue and so I would instead like to discuss my own eleven-year experience with figure skating. I was actually active in synchronized skating which, while not an Olympic sport as of yet, is still under the umbrella of U.S. Figure Skating. Thus, I was very familiar with the world of figure skating and the various troubles plaguing the sport’s community.

As Gold’s citation of an eating disorder might suggest, there is a lot of insecurity associated with figure skating and I think this is a particular problem for any performance-based sport.

Fortunately, I never personally experienced an eating disorder with figure skating and, indeed, the appearance-centered issues I experienced while a skater seem far more mild, even petty, in nature. Yet, the culmination of these small details does arguably speak to more concerning aspects of the sport’s culture.

It was not just the excessive amounts of time and money we had to put into aspects of our appearance, from fake eyelashes to special bras to well-crafted hair buns, it was the shame put upon those of us who got one of those details wrong. Even worse was the way we, myself unfortunately included, would perpetuate this shame. I sadly had no problems giggling with my friends when one girl was being berated by a coach for her bun being out of place. I would simply be relieved to have remembered to wear the correct set of tights that day.

Similarly, the competitive, and oftentimes catty, aspect of the sport was nearly unbearable. Obviously, any sport is competitive as that is the very definitional nature of a sport. What was so oftentimes appalling was how competition was fostered among teammates.

The grass is always greener, of course, but I recently attended a UCLA gymnastics meet and was so impressed to see the women supporting each other as teammates even though they performed their events individually. Yet, as a synchronized skater, I oftentimes felt a deep sense of competition among the very girls I was competing with, the girls with whom I was practicing and performing the same routine.

Part of this sense of competition is systematic. It was not enough to simply try out for teams, there was also a system of tests we had to pass in order to make a certain team. Not only did we have to worry about improving our team’s performance, we also had our own individual concerns of passing as many tests as possible. It was common gossip amongst ourselves, and our parents, who had and hadn’t passed what tests and who had made what level teams.

The competitive spirit was fostered more subtly when some coaches exercised methods of praise and blame. It was hard not to feel bitter when your teammate was being applauded for her posture and speed while you were simultaneously being put down for your poor timing in the last run-through.

This brings me to my last point.

Based on my own experiences, I oftentimes felt in the figure skating world your ability was synonymous with your value. Those who were better skaters were more revered, given more unspoken rights when it came to sharing ice during practice times. Those who weren’t as strong were looked down on as perhaps not as hard workers.

I personally would say I was average and certainly I could have devoted more time to the sport. However, academics were my priority, especially by my junior and senior years of high school. It wasn’t that I wasn’t working hard, it was just that I was working hard at something else.

Even still, I oftentimes felt lazy and guilty, especially as a teammate, for not always giving the sport my all. This shouldn’t necessarily be the case. No one’s value should be placed on their commitment to a sport, especially not a recreational sport.

I do want to emphasize my experience with figure skating was not all bad and, indeed, I made many great friends through the sport. I had several coaches, especially my private coaches, whom I highly revered. I would also like to stress these critiques are just the product of my experience with the sport and therefore not fact.

I do, however, want to further highlight that behind many sports, especially the “pretty” sports, there is a systematic ugliness which must be acknowledged and addressed.