Right now, I am okay. 15 minutes from now, I may be near hyperventilating, trying to breathe even though my throat feels like its closing and my eyes are swelling with tears. Welcome to the life of a person who truly suffers from anxiety. Not just the anxiety you get before your big Calculus 2 test, or before the first date, but the kind that follows you around like a cloud, covering your sunshine at the worst moments.
The first time I truly remember having anxiety was sixth grade. I don’t know what triggered it, but I do know I had never experienced such pain. The thing about anxiety is that it truly is debilitating. Just like a broken leg, sometimes you can’t move and feel immense pain, the difference being with a broken leg you see a cast, an excuse to feel pain. With anxiety, the invisibility of being a mental injury, people can’t see how much you're suffering. It doesn't matter if the world around you is at peace, your mind is at war.
Having an anxiety attack is like running full force into a brick wall, there isn’t any give. And when someone asks “Are you okay?” of course you wish you could suck it up and say “Yeah I’m fine” but the truth is you’re not fine. There’s a monster in your head trying to tear you down and it drains all your energy to fight back.
The worst part is it's hard to tell someone, to ask for help when it seems like no one understands. And another thing, if you’ve never experienced this life-defining anxiety, please don’t pretend that you have. Really, pity only hurts and makes us entirely jealous.
Also, please don’t judge what you don’t understand. No, I’m not not eating because I think I’m too fat, I’m not eating because my stomach won’t allow it, everything makes me want to gag. And trust me, I’d kill to do your incredibly hard workout. In fact, I’d do it 17 times if it meant I wouldn't feel this pain anymore. My mind just won’t let me. So please, act normal, don’t make me feel more weird about myself than I already do.
Comfort does come, though, when you truly find someone who shares your pain. At school, I’ve made a friend who I can see and feel is experiencing what I do. And as much I hate to see her suffer, it brings me relief, to talk to someone who understands. In times where there seems to be no light, there is a silver lining.
I hope these words are not too dramatic, not too pessimistic. I only know these words are honest, they’re mine and they’re true because its what I’ve felt, and it's what millions feel every day. I hope after reading this, those unfamiliar with true anxiety can see that its not a black and white issue, but a million shades of gray.
And yes, even if I’m not right now, I will be okay.