Not getting any sleep is not fun, as I’m sure everyone knows. Maybe you accidentally stayed up all night watching Netflix or reading. Or maybe you decided to pull an all-nighter, whether it be studying for your next exam or going to a college party. Whatever the reason, it’s no joy ride. It’s even worse when you don’t decide to stay up all night, but instead, when your body simply won’t let you sleep no matter how hard you try.
This is how it starts. Thoughts drift through your mind very slowly, occasionally picking up the pace until they’re running at a thousand miles an hour. You can’t even catch all of them; bits and pieces of songs, that paper that’s due next week, does my roommate hate me? Questions. Stimulation; that’s what everyone says causes this lack of desire to sleep.
“If you’d just stay off that damn phone…” but you haven’t been on your phone since this evening. You begin passing the time by watching the hours tick by on the microwave clock that’s stationed beside your bed.
Every single noise could be something out to get you. Are you afraid of the things that go bump in the night? The sink in your dorm keeps making weird sounds and will occasionally start dripping, but that’s nothing, right? Crawling out of bed as to not wake your soundly sleeping roommate, you step out into the hallway. Usually, your neighbors are still playing music at 1 a.m., but not tonight. The entire hall is eerily quiet. It’s funny how the noises of your room keep you awake, but the absence of the hall noise also keeps you awake. There is no happy medium.
A walk around your hall might help. Pacing the entire length multiple times, enough to get your step count for the day in, but still not enough to wear your mind or body down. From one end looking down, the hallway seems like a long, dark tunnel with no light at the end, even if the whole thing is lit up. Eventually, you sit down outside the only part of the floor where there is human activity; the vending machine. There are not many people that come by, but there’s probably at least one every half hour.
It’s now two in the morning. The walk back to your room takes an eternity. Upon getting there, you realize you forgot to shut the door and your only hope is that you didn’t accidentally wake your roommate. You stand at the doorway, eyelids half open and back hunched over. You have to make it to your bed somehow, and getting in it takes more effort than it should because of how high up it is.
Your warm blankets and pillow are all you want. And you can have them, but sleep is not a part of that deal. Your mind goes blank, the thoughts have stopped for a moment and you become increasingly aware of the static in your brain. Reaching for your earbuds you plug them into your phone and put on a soothing playlist, hoping to calm yourself to sleep. Every shadow has the possibility of being a monster, even if you are an adult and know there is no such thing. At this moment, you thank the heavens for your roommate’s wallflower that provides just enough light so you can see most everything in the room.
The lyrics to your songs become comforting background noise and every once in awhile your mind tries to sing along. You try not to move because you’ve heard that if you stay still for fifteen minutes, your body will fall asleep on its own. Keeping your eyes closed, you try to keep your mind blank and let unconsciousness wash over you like a dream. But the next time you move to check the time, it’s magically 4:30 in the morning.
At 5:30 you’re still awake when your phone goes off with a text from your friend heading into work. You send them a quick “good morning” and they are only slightly surprised to see you still awake. Wishing it was time to get up, you roll back over and pretend to be asleep.
Soon enough, daylight starts to seep through the mostly closed blinds and it’s tomorrow already. How did this happen? Your roommate stirs from across the room and you know it’s time to get up, regardless of if you slept. Not much unlike a zombie, you make your way to the Keurig and the day begins.
Body and bones fatigued,
You settle for caffeine.