I don’t really “do” New Year’s resolutions. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been able to stick to one...And I’m pretty sure I’ve never posted a “New Year, New Me” pic on any social media site. But recently, I’ve been referring to myself as “the 2018 me.”

Why?

Not that much has changed, but at the same time, things feel...different. This is the year that I graduate. This is the year I’ll be entering the workforce. This is the first year I will probably move out of my parents’ house. Though I turned 21 in 2017, 2018 is the year I officially become an adult.

So what’s different?

Let me briefly describe 2017 me. She was obsessed with heartbreak. She moped around feeling sorry for herself for never being in a real relationship. She dwelled upon risks that would probably have been points of contention for her boss or parents. She always found a reason to degrade herself and drag her self-esteem down. She was always pessimistic (but relied on ice cream to solve her problems). She craved any attention she could get, complained whenever she had the chance, and wished other people would just make her life better for her.

Now, none of this may sound that dramatic, but for sheltered, previously cheery, little me, it was odd. So, 2017 me viewed everything she did as a mistake, and regretted everything.

As 2018 rolled around, the feeling in the air shifted.

*Something* aligned for me, and suddenly things felt ok. I had just counted down the new year with 5 of my high school friends, after playing Fibbage 2 and beautifying ourselves with face masks. I drove home at 3am and went straight to bed. Nothing in that moment felt different then, but I remember NOT staying up in bed scrolling on my phone & NOT tossing and turning wondering if that boy–any boy–would text me again. I fell straight asleep.

The rest of my winter break consisted of my spending time with friends and family, specifically catching up with high school friends. I’d go to the Starbucks down the street to study or apply for jobs. I’d go to the thrift store & spend my (minimal) store credit. I’d go out to lunch with my mom for the best fried plantains I’ve ever had. And I don’t know what it was, but I didn’t feel the urge to remain sad. It was weird. For some reason, I didn't constantly burst into tears. I didn’t want to sulk in self-pity and loathing. I simply desired to drink boba & sell all my clothes on Poshmark.

I wanted to smile and give myself reasons to do so…

Something in my brain was telling me to enjoy and savor these moments. I didn’t know when they would happen again. All of my friends would soon be graduating and finding jobs, and I’d most likely be moving out of the Bay Area. But I couldn’t find it in me to be sad about this, or about having no luck from 5 days on a random dating app. It was like my mind didn’t want me to feel negative at all. 2017 me would have made a huge deal over speeding through a yellow light or staying out with friends past 12am. And normally, I would tie my self worth to whether or not my friends or family approved of these things. But I was still alive & kicking, so I headed out to the Dave & Buster's, to the cold Pacifica beach, and even to the scary downtown clubs at 1am. And guess what?

Everything was ok.

My best guess as to what happened is that my mindset changed. 2017 me was so caught up in the past and worried about the future, that she never opened up to what was going on now. She viewed the past with remorse and the future with anxiety. But she really wanted to be present & live in the moment.

I had to change how I felt about myself and realize that each decision I make is not a monumental aberration that would lead me astray or ruin my life.

One day, the thought of “learning from your mistakes” popped into my head, and in that first week of 2018, it stuck. I began thinking of my “mistakes” as learning experiences. They’ve made me who I am. Maybe I’m not 100% satisfied with who that is, but I guess it helps me to discover what not to do and who not to be.

It’s tricky.

I feel like I’m becoming myself through process of elimination at times, and I don’t know how I feel about that. But I like not dwelling on the past. I like not wishing I hadn’t said whatever to that person who won’t even remember me in 3 weeks’ time. I like moving forward instead of blindly running back into what once was.

I don’t have tips on how to be happy. I wouldn’t say that’s where I am...but I’m learning acceptance. I suppose if I were to pick a resolution to stick to, I’d say that instead of beating myself up, it’s time to BUILD myself up. I think 2017 me would want that. 2018 me sure does.