For someone who has struggled with any form of eating disorder and is in any stage of recovery from that eating disorder, #NEDAwareness week is a kind of awkward time. Recovery from an ED is so up and down, it's so "two steps forward, one step back" that I have to ask myself, "Do I share my story? I've been taking 15 steps back lately, do I want people to know this is my struggle? Do I even deserve to say anything?" As someone who is in recovery, I've had all those thoughts and feelings for the last two years.

Last year, I came to the conclusion that I did NOT want to share my story and I don't regret that decision. This year, I have a new platform to share my experiences on, one that is a little less public to my grandparents. I'm still not sure if I want to share my story yet, but I do want to join in the voices supporting #NEDAwareness by letting the other girls out there know that you aren't alone.

I want to share some of the thoughts that still occur even though I'm months into recovery and making progress.

When asked to come home for Sunday lunch:

"NO. Mom is going to make food that everyone else is going to eat and then I'm going to have to make a whole different plate that I won't have issues with and it'll take a ton of extra time while everyone else is hungry and waiting, I don't even know if she has ingredients I can digest and make into a good lunch, everyone will look at my different plate and know that I'm still not normal and it'll hurt mom's feelings that I don't eat her food. I mean, I'll definitely take a bite or two and really enjoy it but I don't know...the meal would take a lot of time and I do have a lot of homework. If I go home I won't be back in my dorm until almost 2:00 and then I won't have much time to get homework done before work and I really do like the food at the dining common on Sundays. Eh, I'll go home later"

When invited to a new restaurant:

"Can I look them up on the internet? Act possibly excited, don't look at your phone yet. This might be a good restaurant but give a non-committal answer just in case you need to back out if it isn't a good one. Food shouldn't get in the way of my friendships. This isn't recovery. Say yes. NO, wait. Wait, yeah...let's wait on the answer."

After trying a food again for the first time in years:

"HOLY FREAKIN CANOLI WHAAATTTT. I FORGOT WHAT PIZZA TASTES LIKE AND WOWWWW. Mmmmmmmm. Yes. I'm a fan. I'll have to work this in more often, but not too much lest we start worrying or over-eating and participating in bad habits. Oh shut up brain. I'm enjoying this. We'll worry later."

After eating a trigger food:

"No bathroom no restricting no bathroom no restricting no bathroom no restricting no bathroom no restricting."

I have days now where I hardly think about what I eat, but almost any situation can throw my head into a tailspin. I think that's what I really want to share, that the tailspin is normal in recovery and it doesn't mean that recovery isn't taking steps forward. I want to share with girls who are also in recovery that change does happen and change does last. Sometimes it's "two steps forward, one step back" and sometimes it's "one step forward, two steps back," and even other times it's "two sprints back." No matter which direction your steps are headed lately, DON'T GIVE UP. Those new foods are worth it, those meals where you are just sitting there laughing and enjoying life with your family and friends are worth it, those new restaurants are worth it, your health is worth it. Yeah, I still have tailspins and you probably do too. But I also sometimes go to Sunday lunches, new restaurants, and eat trigger foods and YOU CAN TOO. Life is so worth living and you are so worth loving.