“But this morning he was thinking that being a great brain in a tower, nothing but a brain, wouldn’t be much fun. No excitement, no dog to love, no joy in the blue sky — no feelings at all. But feelings — feelings are emotions! He was suddenly overwhelmed by the revelation that what makes life worth living is, precisely, the emotions. But, then — this was awful! — maybe girls with their tears and laughter were getting more out of life. Shattering!” -Sheldon Vanauken, A Severe Mercy
None of us admire someone who is constantly in a state of personal crisis, who seems to constantly be seeking out others to share our emotional burden. We describe these people as “high maintenance.” One is tempted to polarize, to take the position that it is far better to be a stalwart, taciturn, perhaps stoic sufferer than to gush to any captive stranger. While there is an important distinction to be made between showing and having emotion, the latter being far more important, the attitudes of those we describe as “high maintenance” is often more honest and true to the human experience than those who would have us believe they have everything under control. The quote above reminds us that it is far better to engage and deal with these emotions than to bury, suppress or deny the state of our being. To reject feeling in order to avoid pain is to reject life itself.
The reality is that we are all high maintenance, the question is simply who we burden. We all, at times, need to receive grace and support from others, to feel that we are not alone, that our suffering is not irrational. Our emotions become degenerative when we begin to see ourselves as the center of the universe, when we lose perspective of our own suffering and forget the suffering of others. As David Brooks says, “Pride makes it hard for us to be vulnerable before those whose love we need. But everybody needs redemptive assistance from outside— from God, family, friends, ancestors, rules, traditions, institutions, and exemplars.” If we never reach out to our community for help we do not allow the community to fulfill its proper role. We might as well be entirely on our own.
